Addiction and pain

HI friends.

The top postcard is how I feel today,

I fought last night with anger and pain and loss,

I got a call that is saying my mom needs to get her advanced directive in order, and will

And I dont think it is fair that I have to lose her so soon, and anger at the selfishness of why she is dying. The burden it is on me, not that I dont love being there for my mom and dad, but right now is a bit over the top for me. Just when I need her the most in life.

My mom smoked for about 50 years and a ton too. Often had 2 cigarettes going at once, and as I watched home videos recently she always had one in her had, never was she without one. And as I see it, it is just slow suicide and that is wrong. I begged my entire childhood for her to quit, but she wouldn't and that hurts so much. I feel she chose smoking before me and that sucks.

So today I go to deal with my mother and her addictions and the price we all pay for those things we put before others.

Please pray for me and my family today.

Blessings to you

Always Suszi

epiphany for carrying the load

Good morning friends,

Well in the 5 minutes yesterday I was giving God,I had an epiphany. He is amazing isn't He?

Well I started to feel very overwhelmed last night, on my Facebook group for dup15q several parents were upset and were having rough days and my heart broke for them, and I didn't get to all I needed to do, and my mom spent 4 hours in the ER and then they moved her to ICU for her COPD, my dad was tired and very forgetful, and I was just feeling overcome. I also have to find money for the upcoming conference and haven't even registered. so overwhelmed is putting it mildly. The phrase "God doesn't give you more that you can handle" of course comes to mind, but God taught me a new lesson last night, not a new idea or something I have never heard before, but something that finally sank in.

Not God won't give us more then we can handle, BUT we need to Give it all to HIM so we don't have to handle anything. DUH!!! Sometimes I amaze myself at how slow I am.I have heard this my whole life, and yet hadn't felt the need to apply it to my current issues. 

Right now I have so many life issues to deal with, ie. having only one of my 3 brothers who will help and he is on the other side of the world, one is using drugs again, my father who is getting dementia fast, Mom who is terminally ill, Grand parents who are ageing and waning in health, a terminally ill daughter, a 5 year old who needs me, a store to close, a store to set up, a wedding reception to plan, a graduation or 2 to help do, getting well from a year long infection and trying to figure out how to get money we don't have to go to a conference we need to go to, planning a birthday party, scheduling PCA's, and needing a second cup of coffee and no one here to make it for me.

I didn't tell you all this to make you feel sorry for me or to worry, but to give you a glimpse into all that is in my head to keep me from hearing God and remembering His truths.

And it can be done, He will make a way, to talk even when it is to noisy to hear.

So today I go play cards with my mom and enjoy all the time we have together and rejoice for each moment, and get ready for a picnic with my son to celebrate the end of kindergarten tonight, and remember who has my back, and who carry's the load, NOT ME, not anymore.

Be blessed today and look for the little things or moments you can spend with those you love.

always

Suszi

A little alone time

Hello friends,

Today as I sit and write I am completely alone, which is rare and wonderful.

I love my children but rarely do I get any truly alone time.

As a mother we all need this. We rarely get to use the bathroom alone, or drinking a whole cup of coffee while it is still hot, is a luxury.

We need to take time for ourselves. I know we all know that and desire it and we can never have our children far from our mind of course, but what I need more than anything is not to take more time for me but more time for God. Like us He craves alone time with us. How can we hear Him if were not quiet? If you have older children who don't live at home anymore you crave to hear their voice, even if it is to just ask how to cook something.  We don't have to spend hours and tons of time cause face it we rarely have that time, but if we can give Him 10 or 15 minutes even if it is locked in the bathroom with the kids pounding on the door. 

Like a cool drink of water when you’re worn out and weary is a letter from a long-lost friend.

Proverbs 25:24-26

Do we treat God like a long lost friend? I DO. I admit I give Him so little time. Yes I have excuses and alibis but no good reason not to just listen, to be quiet and shut my mouth and open my ears. So all the things today that are stressing me and overwhelming me, and worrying me, I am gonna give God some time, even if it is in the car with the radio off.

I want to encourage you to take a little time and listen and open your heart to a loving Father.

Have a blessed Day

Always
Suszi

Dup15q and regrets

Happy Tuesday friends,

Today I rest, finally. We ended one trip by celebrating with another one. So i don't feel like I have been home in weeks. And I don't like to rest I would rather create or anything else, but I also don't feel good and sometimes I think that is God's way of saying sit down and shut up a while. 

This weekend and many moments before I have been trying to grasp the idea that my daughter Chrissy has a life expectancy of 15. She will be 15 in a few short weeks. I know many adults have this disorder and I don't want her to go but, it is also not healthy to just pretend it couldn't happen.

A dear friend recently lost their 16 year old unexpectedly, I thank God I have time to prepare myself and my family, but can one ever prepare for heartbreak like that? Chrissy isn't biologically mine but is a child of my heart and I have only had her 5 short years. So even though we never know the time or place things will happen, I still think reality says prepare and be filled with joy when she turns 15 and is alive and well and rejoice daily that she gets one more day with us. I have a hard time reconciling my regrets about her, could we have done more? did she get to experience life to it's fullest? Was she happy? 

We'll all I do know is I taught her God's love and acceptance and that I didn't forget. So I am confident in knowing eternally she is taken care of. and if that is all I do that is enough.

I recently had a friend give me advice and she said this. "Don't feel guilty when she dies and you feel relief." At first I wasn't sure what she meant but as time goes on I realize that is what will happen. I love this child but I can't say it is easy. That every moment of the day is a struggle. That I will feel relief when I'm not tired and don't have to listen for her all night, or arrange help for her or go to the millions of doctor appoints all the time. But I guess for now I take each day as a gift. I help her experience all I can. And laugh and play and educate the people around us, so the next family who has to deal with this will have an easier time. And to encourage other families who live and breath dup15q and help them know were all in this together.  So today  as I rest (Because Chrissy is at her real dads for a few days). I pray you all find hope that only Christ can bring to any situation you are faced with. That there is hope and joy through Him for all life brings.  

Be blessed today because we never know if it is our last, so make it worth it.

Love you all
Always
Suszi

Memorial day honoring my dad

Happy Memorial Day friends,

Today is a day to celebrate country and those who fought to for it.

On days like this I often think of my dad and the sacrifices he made for  our country.

He did at least 2 tours in Korea and was right on the front line. I know little of his life during the war, only a few snippets from him and things he told my mom. But I do know it was not a glamorous time, it was hard and hot and war was not fought by computers, but by men with guns surprising their foes and I know that still happens but with technology so many less men and women die in conflict. The Korean war has just in the past years been classified as a war, it was referred to as a conflict so therefor it is said to be the forgotten war. My dad fought during his early 20's and still at 80 feels the effects of that time.

He has night terrors and flash backs and now as he ages he will remember things and mention something that seems mundane for him but gives us insight into what happened.

Aside from being a solider, my dad was a hard working self employed man. He loved his family dearly. His work got in the way, of a lot of our fun, saying just a minute let me finish this car first, and as disappointing as that was, it also taught us a  hard work ethic. 

He was tougher on my brothers I know, and somehow they always thought they had to live up to some unspoken expectation by him, and I think my dad has always been so proud of all of his kids and it is harder for him to tell the boys, He always said he loved us and forgave fast when we had done wrong. He made sure we experienced life by traveling and seeing things outside our farm.

My dad also taught us to love God and respect others and those are the best gifts he and my mom ever gave us.

Today I honor all service people, but my heart truly thanks the men and women who fought and served in those wars we only hear about from history books. 

Tell a service person " Thank you" today and remember those men and women who are no longer in uniform but still fight battles in their minds.

Have a great memorial day and be blessed.

Always 

Suszi

Happy Birthday my dear daughter

Good morning friends,

 Today is my eldest daughters birthday, she is 23 today.

It is also the first birthday I don't get to spend with her.

I think of all the birthdays we had for her, (I love birthdays) at 2 sesame street, to 4 Barney, to 10 Bugs, to cooking and 21 for drinks and last year with jitters just a few days before she got married.

I cannot express how very proud I am of her. When I was pregnant I prayed and hoped for so many things for her, and once again God blew me away. She is so smart, and beautiful, and has the career of her dreams doing something she loves. She has an amazing husband, she choose wisely and prayerfully. she has a home and pets and gardens she loves. 

I don't want you to think it has all been fun, but for the most part it has, we have had a few times where life was tough and tough love was needed. But thank God she and we can look at those times and agree that was necessary. 

I know living away from us (about an hour) and her close friends is hard but, I know that God is in that too. She is getting stronger and more independent and having to cleave to her husband is so important and I am so glad for this time although it is hard to see her lonely. 

When people say we did such a great job with her and how did we do it? well a lot of prayer and stumbling through just like every other parent. But by the grace of God.

Growing up we were so strict with television and homeschooling and everything maybe a little over the top, but none the less through our weaknesses and lack of parenting skills, she turned out perfect.

I often say I wanted 12 boys, and I never even thought I would have a girl, but even though I wouldn't let the doctor tell me what sex she was, I knew. And the day she was born was the most wonderful day of my life, that I could make this amazing little thing and be given the chance to raise her astounded me. We were so young and excited, looking back I laugh at those kids and their zealousness.

 Today I want to honor this beautiful person and say how proud and excited I am for her, and I look forward to the day she gets to experience the joy we felt 23 years ago, the day she was born.

Happy Birthday my dear Helena

Always

Suszi

(Mom)

Failure in not trying

Good morning friends,

Today I am thinking about success and failures in life.

I have had many of both, but not for lack of trying. 

To not try is a failure.

Having things not work how you wanted is not a failure.

As a mother I feel like a failure some days, but doing the best I can with the limited

resources I have been given, I look back and thing huh I guess I did alright. (at least with the first one, the other 2 is yet to be seen). I have started several businesses and had to stop or close them and I don't see that as a failure but as an experience to learn and grow by. 

The greatest compliment I ever received was from a pastors wife when she said "Someone should pay you a million dollars a year to sit in an office and think of ideas", now that may seem weird but to me it was amazing, because that is one of my greatest strengths, coming up with ideas, I have tons of them, some good, a lot bad, but ideas none the less. I guess life isn't really about failure and success but more about self image, and how you see yourself, but maybe it is more like how God sees us? If He is pleased with who we are in our hearts does the rest really matter? Can we hold our heads high today and say have I done what God wants? or have I wasted all this time for something I want?I may not always listen to God and do His plan or I may not hear Him, so today I just pray He uses me despite who I am and how well I listen to Him. I can only do the best within my ability and take pride in knowing I am doing the best I can. So today I clean out my store and prepare for the next thing in life. I have such a desire to speak to others about what is in my heart I just hope that is what God is working on in me. So if you need a speaker for an event coming up let me know I would love to come and share. 

So today think about your regrets and failures and don't feel remorse but joy in knowing you tried and succeeded in the trying. Be a blessing to someone today.

Always 

Suszi

Hello friends,

Back to reality eeekkkkk

You know there are days when you just wanna crawl under the covers and not even peek out for a week?

My children are acting up this morning and trying to adjust to being back in a routine. Plus getting excited about going to the cabin this weekend. There are times when I wish God would turn His back for 2 minutes and give me a do over, I guess that is grace anyway. 

One thing this trip showed me was the frailness of life. I see changes daily in Chrissy and see things regressing slowly,it is hard to watch. Ian we noticed during our trip is showing signs of blood sugar issues which may explain the anger outbursts, he has daily, so pray he does the testing with ease. It terrifies me to think of him being diabetic but I guess God knows what he is doing. And I will trust he will do something I can handle once again.

So counting my blessings today and finding joy is my desire. I also have to go clean out my store today and finish getting it all taken care of, stuff sorted and sold and moved etc... it is weighing heavy on me to just be done with it all and get on to the important things in my life. 

Though I have been blessed lately Megan and Amy cleaned my house while I was gone and it was so nice to come home to organization. AMAZING. it is so great to have friends and family who love me and help me.

I feel like this is a bit disjointed today, it is hard to concentrate with the children acting up but I am also finding joy that they are still both here to annoy me.

Be blessed today and help a friend today or encourage a stranger.

Always

Suszi

Hello friends,

We are home and grateful, It was a great time and fun for the most part. At first I thought only 3 days there was short but now im grateful because I don't think I could have walked another day. I am so weary and my feet hurt. But our trip was amazing and the kids were very good for the most part. I was so thankful that Tess and amber could come and help there is no way I could have done it without them, they were amazing and fun.

My favorite part of the trip was snorkeling, which is weird for me, I hate water and having water in my face and hate things on my face, BUT I overcame and had a great time and took amazing pictures. We were in the water 99% of the first day, and it was fun, except the lazy river which was NOT relaxing in the least and it was not fun,  it didnt really flow so you got stuck in water an no matter how you hard you swam you didnt move and then you had to go through these 2 waterfalls that poured about a thousand gallons of water on you a second about drowning you. But other then that all the food was complimentary and drinks you just go to the food line and get whatever you want. AMAZING.

Busch Gardens sucked but we met Jack Hanna and left and went to Clearwater Fl. ate seafood and relaxed and played in the gulf. Sunday was Sea World and it was a fun day too they are great there. and went back to the hotel and relaxed . It was a great renewing of the spirit and joyful experience.

Not something I want to do anytime soon but snorkeling would be fun.

So today i sit in my chair and relax and nurse my sunburn.

Blessings to you today and hug your kids extra today.

Always

Suszi

Good morning friends

Yesterday started and was much like the first picture

but ended like the second

We travled an hour to Tampa to Busch Gardens and had a miserable day there. 22000 people were there and it was so hot and muggy we were treated badly and I was crabby. We finally got some help and got to meet Jack Hanna which was cool, then proceeded to get hotter and more miserable so security escorted us to the gate and we left. THEN we drove to Clearwater Florida and ate Crab, walked on the pier and played in the ocean. It was such a fun time none of the kids had ever seen the ocean and they had so much fun. 

Today is Sea World and everyone is so excited so I had better run and get ready.

Love you all

suszi

from a weary traveler

Good morning,

From a very weary traveler

Day 2 proved exhausting and therefor bed early and no blog sorry

We had an amazing time yesterday Discovery cove is truly an amazing place

Once your in all you have to buy are souvenirs and pictures other wise everything is 

included, which made the day so much easier, I overcame my fears and snorkeled for the first time but I believe my desire to take pictures underwater out weighed my fear. IT WAS AMAZING. And seeing Chris's joy when she got to swim with the dolphins made the whole day worth ever  inch of inconvience worth it. We had an amazing time. Except the sun burn and the horrendous water falls some man built, that you had to go under with thousands of gallons of water coming down at once that was not fun. So today we head to Busch Gardens and hopefully the ocean. This is the day i'm looking forward too seeing the sesame street area. and taking photos of wildish animals. So this has to be short so I can rangle my wild animals and get them ready for the day. Be blessed today and Pray for strength for us as I am so tired and burned, but i finally got coffee after 3 days YIPEEE so it should go better after 3 cups.

Love you all

Be blessed today

Always 

Suszi

Hello friends from sunny warm Florida,

It has been a long humbling day.

There has been so much generosity given to us, it awes me to the core.

The hotel last night was amazing and they were so nice, the limo ride to the airport, Jon our Make a wish helper at the airport THANK GOD FOR JON. He took the lead and took care of everything right up to the gate, through security and people and starring people. We all donned our Chrissy's wish shirts except Ian who is 6 and it is about his stupid sister, hates dolphins and refused to wear it hehe. The flight was great we had 5 seats together and one a few rows ahead, so being the least selfish one in the group I took it upon myself to sit alone with out a child, it was a sacrifice but it had to be done and It was my duty so I sucked it up and ended up sitting by a mom from Coon Rapids MN who is an adoptive mom of kids with FAS  (fetal alcohol syndrome) Oh course we clicked and didn't even realize when 3 hours went by so fast.  God planned that ordained meeting. AND I was blessed to the pieces.The baggage and car rental and getting to the airport were memorable experiences but fun none the less. We then found the nearest IHOP and finally got to eat our first meal of the day, Cheesecake pancakes, waffles and chicken. We then checked into our resort www.buenavistapalace.com The beautiful Buena Vista Palace. The rest of our group went for a very long swim while I watched our stuff in the room with a much needed nap. Now we ordered my favorite pizza in the whole world UNO Pizza , so as I anxiously await the arrival of my spinocalli pizza and try to get my hungry son out of the bathroom, I bid you all adieu  on this beautiful night and we prepare to watch fireworks  be blessed tonight. 

Always

Suszi

Good morning friends on this crazy out of control day,

Can you imagine an ad for gaining weight so  you look good in a swim suit? that is my mentality right there.

So today I'm planning less and living more, I have worried all I can about stuff and now all I can do is have fun. AND I WILL like it or not. Darnit.

Today I am trying to not let the stress get to me, I have a slight heart condition and it is making it worse to be stressed out, so I guess I better be giving it to God finally and letting go and enjoying the ride.

The decision has been made!!! I will take my computer on the trip so I can write my blog. YIPEEE

My back is aligned, hair cut, clothes bought, nail made fabulous, tanning done, mostly packed and getting ready to go to the cities on our first leg of the trip. Staying at the Raddison in the cities and get a limo ride to the airport in the morning.  Well this morning is brief and a bit overwhelming but I CAN DO THIS,

Be blessed today call a friend you haven't seen in a while and love on them.

love you all

Always 

Suszi

Good morning friends,

Another day in crazy land

your welcome to join us!!

So today is nearly the last possible moment to pack for our trip, and here I sit, but I should justify that a little, it is for sure a two cup of coffee morning (maybe 3) and there is a 2 hour late start. So my procrastination rein must end!!! I remember as a child I would be so excited for a trip I would have everything done a month ahead of time, oh youth how you flee so fast. And my dreams of leaving my house spotless so i come home to a clean house are dashed but, I knew going that was not going to happen. But our house sitter is OCD so maybe I can come home to a clean house at least mostly.

Last night we had our going away party for the trip and got our t-shirts and supper with our wish granters Kathy and Rich they are amazing and wonderful and many dear friends and family. AND we also got our itinerary YIPEEEEEE . so I actually have most details about the trip. Day one: Travel and resor,t Day Two: Discovery Cove and dolphin swim, Day Three: Busch Gardens, Day Four: Sea World and Aquatica water park. Day Five: travel. So now I feel a bit better about what we need to do and what is going to happen.

Now just to figure out how to keep the kids calm on the plane? I made tons of fun stuff for them, and I know they will love it. Now  the adults i'm not sure about, Dave and Tess decided last night they would rather drive and meet us there. RIGHT, like i'm taking these kids alone on the plane. INSANE!! there isn't enough medication in the world!!! So tomorrow the 6 of us will go to the cities and begin this journey. 

Last Sunday our amazing church prayed for us and it really hit me the reality of this trip and the bitter sweetness of it, because we are looking at the fun we will have it also brought home the heartache of losing a child, and the untreatable disorder she has, and the shortness of her life. God can and will prevail and heal and amaze us I know, but how do you have faith enough for a miracle and yet in reality know that He may decide to say NO and and let life go. I know He is in control and pain will come and joy in the mourning. But reality is so hard sometimes. So all the attendees of the trip at least the adults had a meeting and we are going to make this the funnest trip for Chrissy and enjoy our time. She will have the best memories ever.

Last night I really saw her mind waning she couldn't remember who most of the people were that were at her party until she was reminded and I can see slipping in her mind daily. She is so happy most of the time and never really complains, she just laughs and goes on. So counting our blessings everyday is sooo important and believing for a miracle and trusting God to do as He wishes, weighs heavy on me today. BUT I will find joy today and I will go on AND I will stop procrastinating. 

So off I go to pack and create.

Today give your kids an extra hug.

Be blessed

Always

Suszi

Pre trip planning and steps of faith

Hello friends, 

The post cards today are (top) how I will feel on the beach

(bottom) how I will actually look hehe

Well it is trip week! YiPeE 

I am not ready for it, you see i'm a control freak.

I like to plan to be spontaneous and know what is happening when.

I by my self can go with the flow not worrying about what will happen next.

But when you have children and a spouse that hate surprises you become a planner for their sake

So this trip is a leap of faith, like when Indiana Jones had to step into that deep chasm and have faith something would catch him.

Tonight we have a party to celebrate our trip at pizza ranch, so I am hoping there is some revealing of details

at this point I don't know much.

For several weeks counselors and OT and others having been trying to prepare Chrissy for the flight and the surprises and she of course thinks she loves surprises but I think she loves to be surprised not what the surprise entails. I know my hubby is nervous and I know I am terrified. But all I can do is take a deep breath and step into the unknown. It isn't like we haven't been through harder things but, this one is taxing just the same. What I need and want is a nice calm time to relax and have fun, not have to run our fool heads off to see everything. Just knowing together is enough and being away is the reason, not to have to see every show or every site. And THAT I can plan,  if momma is happy we all happy.

So my attitude will set the tone for the trip, I will step out calmly and peacefully, with love and faith, knowing that no matter what happens God is in control and HE will make a way and have a reason for every step we take.So today as I procrastinate some more about packing, I will pray and ask God to lead my steps and keep us safe and give all the plans and details to Him.

So my dear friends and faithful readers, step out in faith today and be blessed.

Always Suszi

Mothers day gift for my mother

Hi friends
Today I just wanted to show you what I made for my momma
Hope she loves it
and all for about $2.00

Have a great Mothers day

Suszi

Tribute to my Mother

Good morning my friends

The post card above is my favorite author with my favorite quote from my favorite Pres.

Today I'm going to talk about my mother. Since Sunday is mothers day and I doubt ill have time to write tomorrow since nearly every surrounding town has garage sales and ill be off early to them.

My mother Blue we have briefly talked about before, but she is a very complex person and I'm sure I could talk days and not even touch the surface. I think what I love the most about my mother is her sense of humor. She is so funny and NEVER misses an opportunity to get a laugh. When I was about 15 we went to Niagra falls in the winter and since me and my mom hate water we didn't accompany my dad under the frozen falls, something about 50 tons of ice looming over head didn't sound appealing to me. So I went into the gift shop while my mom smoked. When I got inside it was empty and very shortly after a huge group of Asian tourists came in wearing cameras around their necks. Then enters my mother!!! instead of coming over to me she walks right up into the middle of there group and says"Chingchingchongaisaudh" We'll as a group they looked at one another and turned in unison to look at me quizzically  I just shrugged my shoulders and walked out of the store quickly. Or when her and her sister went into the changing rooms at Walmart and she said "Hey Pudge, you got toilet paper in your stall?" loud enough for half the store to hear. But regardless of my embarrassment as a teen that included many more such stories, I love and admire my mother.

She was married to my dad at the age of 14 and he was 24, but that was a different era and they have been together over 50 years. I know not all those were blissful years but they were fun, when you put a strong-headed Irish man and a hardheaded hillbilly together it can get crazy. But it was fun growing up. My mother always sang me to sleep with these really sad folk songs about orphan children dying on church steps or being killed by alcoholic father after their mother died. They sound creepy and weird but were also very beautiful stories of the past. My mom was a stay at home mom basically she worked when I got to high school as a home health nurse. She was a crazy and funny mother but also very loving and caring and always ready to help anyone who needed it. Our home was open to anyone who needed anything from a bed to a meal. She has a generous heart and loving arms. Many people admire and love my mother. and others wish they had a mom like mine. Not that it was all roses but it was fun. She is an amazing person as a whole. She encouraged and stood up for me. She loved unconditionally and with her whole heart, she is my best friend and mentor. She is a spiritual woman who taught me to love God and honor His ways.
And her children do "Arise and call her blessed". We are blessed and loved by an amazing woman.

So today tell your mom you love her, or anyone for that matter, share a smile or a hug.

Be blessed
Suszi

Fears of failure as a parent

Good Morning dear mothers and friends,

I love this top post card

 "Hey lets let the children ride with giant dangerous animals that can eat them!"

Today on the way home from taking Ian to school, it really hit me how large the fear I have,

I'm not prone to fear but there is one thing that I think I am constantly afraid of.

And that is forgetting something my kids need. Not a fear like meeting their needs like food or normal living stuff, but stuff like it is a special day at school and I wasn't paying attention to the notes that came home so I sent you in clothes when it was PJ day kinda fear. Today was ride your bike to school day, and Ian didn't want to ride because it is kinda rainy here, but I am always fearful of forgetting the things that are important to him. ie. the birthday party fail last week. 

I think the fear comes from my mom forgetting or not being informed about what I needed, and I went to school at least 30 minutes from home anywhere we lived, because I went to private school. So there were many times I didn't have proper shoes for a basketball game or cold lunch for a field trip, the wrong clothes on special dress up days. My mother was wonderful and amazing but Not a morning person. Therefore prone to not thinking that early. I'm not really sure why I have this fear because I try to be vigilant in paying attention, BUT I am not organized and sometimes miss things in the craziness that our life is. I am not afraid of disappointing my kids as far as getting a new toy, or joining the best team, or enrolling them in sports or activities like dance or swim lessons when we can't afford it just to be like the Jones. But it is just a little nagging fear that I won't be the best mom or that  I will disappoint them as a mother. AND I do . AND I will. And I know there is no perfection as a parent, but just a lot of guessing and hoping they won't be damaged beyond repair as adults, due to my crappy parenting skills. I thank God that He did equip me with a love for children and a desire to have them and for giving me the ones He did. Even if at this moment my Chrissy won't stop making clicking noises with her tongue so I can write this and it is making me crazy, because I have told her at least 10 times to stop in the last 15 minutes. BLAHHHHHH.

Ok so now the yelling and crying  has begun. Another day in paradise at the Grudem home. Some days there is just not enough medication to get through mornings like this. And I am sure as time goes on and she regresses more and more it will get worse but I pray for patience and more patience and more patience so I can make through just a few more minutes today. 

So hug your kids today even if you don't like them much.

And be the best parent you can, despite your fears and frustrations.

Have a happy and joyous day.

Suszi

Welcome my friends to the crazy and exciting world of chaos and excitement. You never know what will happen from one minute to the next and each day is a whole new adventure.

This week being the week before Mothers Day I thought I would talk about mothers. And it takes a special kind of person to raise boys. That is why today I am going to talk about my Mother-in-law (MIL).

You might be thinking oh this is gonna be typical. Doesn't everyone hate their MIL's? 

WELL I DO NOT. I have an amazing MIL. And because of that she raised an amazing son.

When I first met Judy I was so nervous. These were city folks and I was out of my element. I wanted to make a good impression especially since I believe on our first visit we were announcing our engagement.

But it took about 10 seconds to realize she was my kind of people. She was crafty and industrious, creative and kind and loving. I didn't have fears for long we laughed and looked at baby pictures of Dave.

Over the years almost 24 at this point, I have come to admire Judy so much. She is the mother of 3 boys and 1 girl. (just like my family) But she is also the mother of an adopted daughter and a disabled son. They adopted my sister-in-law when my Husband was 5 from Kentucky of all places. and their youngest child Jeff was born with severe mental and physical disabilities. I have watched how she treated these children and it became an inspiration to me but little did  I know it would also be a learning experience for me, because I would go through similar circumstances. Her example in dealing with so many things and having gone through so many of these things her advice is priceless. Another thing I love is that her and I are also dealing with aging parents at the same time and she is a vast trove of knowledge. Judy is such a generous and giving to our family, which brings me to her being Grammy JUJU. What a terrific grandma does she make. Our daughter was her first grandbaby and gave her the moniker JUJU and now everyone follows suit. Because of her generosity my children have had many experiences I couldn't give them. She always makes sure they have what they need and then some, needless to say she spoils them rotten and gives in to nearly every whim just as it should be.

But what I truly admire is her as a person, she is calm and patient and sweet.

And whether she is your MIL, Mom, daughter, Auntie, sister or friend, you are blessed to have her as part of your life.

Happy Mothers Day JUJU

Have a blessed day and call your MIL and tell her you appreciate her today.

Suszi

GOOD MORNING!!! 

So today being a new day, my guilt of yesterday as an epic fail as a mother has waned some.

So onto another day of motherhood. Last night our family and my cousin A and her family went out to a restaurant that doesn't serve food out of a bag or on a tray, so you can imagine my delight! For a moment at least!! Most people take their kids out in public all the time, NOT US! We have to pick and choose our destinations and gauge it as a viable option depending on the amount of help that goes with us. We were feeling brave last night. Most kids can sit and color on their menus and be calm and quiet, NOT MINE. they colored then C. proceeded to break all the crayons into a thousand pieces and impulsively color her entire menu and neither has an indoor voice. SO you can imagine the fun we had, and also the ordering loudly and spilling mustard all over our shirt, pants and face and hands, complaining there are no pickles then that they aren't the right kind of pickle, and then that the dill pickles were sweet when they weren't. Oh then more mustard. And Ian not wanting to sit by me then only wanting to sit by me and having to rearrange everyone. Then the food took forever literally it was awful and everyone was cranky and all in all it was a wonderful time really. I love spending time with my family and friends and especially if I don't have to cook. And before I left to go to supper some friends came and got some junk out of my garage and insisted on paying me, so I didn't have to cook or pay. AMAZING!!! It truly was a great time we laughed and shared food and enjoyed ourselves. AND I would do it all again. Sometimes you just have to step out and take a risk and to heck with the consequences or the bother we are to those around us. And after I apologized to the people around us as we were leaving I decided I may just do that again.

Do you ever do things out of your comfort zone and take a risk? Maybe you should and love someone today or take a mom friend who only gets to eat out a bag with a yellow M on it to lunch with real people in a real restaurant. Be a blessing to someone today.

Be blessed

Suszi 

Good morning friends,

As I write today it is with a sad heart. When Ian and I were looking at the calendar this morning counting the days til our trip, he asked "When is Carters birthday party?" and yep you guessed it. it was yesterday. His first invite to a friend party and I BLEW IT. So a broken heart I have this morning. 

I was going to spend this week talking about mothers. REMINDER: Mothers day is next Sunday.

Imagine that I remember a day that revolves around me and forget an important date for my son.

So I am starting off this week talking about our disappointments in our mothers.
I never claim to be the best mother by any means, I just do the best I can with what I have.

Which some days isn't much. And lately falls horribly short of the mark. I need to prioritize again, for Ian's sake. When you have a special needs child it is hard (most of us drink. right Ang?) your life revolves around that child so much the other children often get your second best. And I need to force myself out of this mold and give the others more time. I believe this is a constant struggle with many families with children with special needs. 

On a more positive note I got to have lunch with my beautiful daughter and son-in-law yesterday and they paid. (BONUS) but a wonderful time. 

But there are things I look back on in my life where my parents fell short and yet I made it out without needing to much therapy to get over it. Like the time they gave me a bloody deer leg for my 6th birthday. (Who knows) But what I need to say is that sometimes we have to remember we are just human beings, flawed and broken, and that our only hope and salvation come through Christ. He heals our hurts and brings joy when we have failed and feel worthless. He gives hope that tomorrow is a new day. And He is the perfect parent. ABBA father. He loves us flawed and hurting. Unconditionally. So if you have failed as a parent or just need a loving Father. Go to him!!! He will take care of you!!!

From one flawed parent to the other, Have a great day

Love Suszi

Good morning dear friends,
Today I want to discuss my weight !!!! UGHHHH. As I prepare for this trip to the sea, it is a constant thing in my head "How are you gonna look in your swim suit?" I have read and heard several things lately that have encouraged me. First on christian radio a lady had a friend who went to the beach and was watching several bikini clad young girls and her friend thought she would comment on the fact that she wished she still looked that way. And her friend surprised her by saying that when she saw those girls and looked at herself she was proud of the weight and stretch marks and sagginess, because these were all things that happened because she bore and grew three amazing children and carried them in her for 9 months, that the things that wouldn't look good any longer in a bikini were the very things she took pride in because of her children. And then I read a interview between Oprah and Mia Angelo, and it really touched my heart, Mia Angelo was 6 feet tall at 13 and was not pretty but it never bothered her because she had her brother, grandmother and mothers love and that healed anything her self image could hurt.
I have always told my children They are beautiful and wonderful and that I am not a liar so they must be.
So why is it my Father (God ) has said I am beautiful and I don't believe HIM.

Psalm 139:14 (NCV) 

¹⁴ I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way.
    What you have done is wonderful.
    I know this very well.

All the He created is wonderous so why is it we believe He could raise the dead and yet make us less amazing then lilies of the field or anything else He created? 

So I must instead of asking why He made my form the way He did, I need to say "Oh God, thank you for how you created me." 

When I was little I had a shirt that said "God don't make junk' and I wore it with pride. So how come I think differently now? 

I want more then anything to share my stories and God with people and for years I thought "I can't do that, Im heavy and not beautiful and  you can't use me in public." OK so who is whispering those lies? I understand the idea about health and weight but that isn't my point. God does it all for a reason and if I accept who I am and accept He loves me, then I am perfect. I am beautiful, loved, spoiled, and shown grace beyond measure. I will choose today to accept this wonderful creation and reach and share His love with people. 

So go out today and hug someone who doesn't think they are huggable.

Blessings and love to you all

Suszi

Good morning dear friends and faithful readers,

I have talked about my younger children a lot but not of my eldest daughter.

Helena is amazing, and beautiful and delightful.

I thank God for her everyday. She will soon be 23 and has hard as it is to believe I could actually have a child that old, well I had her when I was 3 (hehehe). I have symbols for each of my children,  a heart for Ian -he is a child of my heart, a diamond for Chrissy- she is a diamond in the rough, and for Helena- a gift, because God blessed us with her. 

You see I always wanted 12 boys when I was growing up, so after I got married I got pregnant and to my surprise  God gave me one girl. We never had another pregnancy, no miscarriages and no luck having any more children. We tried for years to have more and do anything possible to make that work but to no avail. I'm so glad God knows what He is doing, even when we don't in the moment. Helena was born May 24th 1990 and my delivery was a short 15 minutes with 3 pushes and done. I know I suck. Anyway she was an interesting child, loved being dirty, and making messes, and paper. But she is beloved, everyone who meets her loves her. She is creative and smart. When I was pregnant I prayed everyday about what she would look like and her mind. I prayed she would be pretty but smart and creative. And God gave me everything I asked for except the red hair, but that is fine. She brings me so much pride, and joy. From the get go we knew she was different, kinda in her own world, seeing things differently and somehow from another angle. Her hobbies and interests were odd, like bugs and sticks and rocks, more of a tomboy I guess, but a tomboy in a pink tutu and red cowboy boots.  She was always hard for me to understand in someways until she in high school, decided to become a Faerie (more on that later). But I pride myself on the fact that I taught her to read and spell and many things, not all good but we did our best and with the grace of God somehow managed to raise an amazing and talented person. She is now past college and married and has her own home. And her husband Steve, he is a joy and i'm so proud of her choice  Although I wish she lived closer and would make me a grandma, I know to trust God for those things and in HIS time my wishes will come true. I love my daughter and although many  mistakes were made and she still needs to get therapy to deal with  a lot of her childhood I wouldn't want her to turn out any other way then she is.

And today I want you to remember hug your kids and kiss them often because all to soon you blink and they are gone.

Be blessed today

Suszi

Good morning friends,

HAPPY MAY DAY

It may not be bright and beautiful here in Minnesota today but i'm beginning to 

think it is totally and state of mind anyway.

When I was little i went to Nonies house (a friend of my family) and

 made May baskets every year.

Such great memories.

It is now starting to freeze here in Mankato, we are supposed to get up to 9 inches of snow today and it is reaking havoc on the psyche of us here. One day it is hot next it snowed then hot and on and on. 

Today I seem a little more vulnerable to a messed up psyche, this new round of doctor visits 

has really rattled me and although they are not life threatening, but none the less hard.
I have had it in my mind a long time to investigate the saying " God won't give us more than we can handle" i can't find it anywhere phrased like that and I have a call into our pastor. so we will see how that works out. But you know there are days I question this stretching and my endurance. So today I am resting and contemplating the universe.
Be blessed this May day and give someone an extra treat today, send a may basket or just a note to encourage someone.
Love you all
Suszi