Have a Boo-tiful day...

Good morning friends,

Happy Halloween

I don't want to discuss the spiritualism of this day.

I want to share my stories of my memories of this day. I was a country kid so we had to go to town and beg for candy. One thing I think about is our costumes, they were thin plastic masks, that if you twisted wrong they would break and a plastic jumpsuit that was printed with the character of your choice, I always picked Raggedy Ann. My best friend was from a family of 16 or 18 or a ton. and buying costumes for them all was out of the question, so they were on their own and I remember them having paper plate masks and dressing in regular clothes.  I just remember feeling sad cause my cheap little costume was better than hers. There were a few years where I know my mom encouraged me to use a paper plate and I remember the excitement I felt getting to do that and not feeling bad cause we were equally attired. Our parents would either drive slowly along the street or drop us off at one end and met us at the other end. Times were much simpler then. We had 2 houses which stood out to me in our town. The first was the house that you didn't go to unless you were dared to, the house with the doll in the window. The other was Mrs. Fenlons she brought full sized candy bars to the door on a silver platter for you to choose from, she made you feel special. Those two houses stuck in my mind so much. It is so funny what you remember from childhood. My husbands family has a tradition also Dave's mom made a leopard costume for him as a baby and nearly every child after that has worn it, It is 45 years old and still looks great and I am so excited for my grandchild to wear it someday. I guess with all I don't like about Halloween, I do love the traditions.

The pure joy and excitement of those days of childhood, when no matter your age you can be silly and laugh and how this is never a bad thing. Whenever you can laugh I believe it heals you and makes your mind work better. I get to laugh a lot because I have a really silly bunch of friends around me.

Nothing else seems to heal my broken soul like laughter. Are you feeling down? I fight it everyday, depression runs rampant with me and I know with many others, but laughing is the cure to many sadness's.

Today look around I know that there will be many chances to laugh and chase those blues away on this happy, childish and fun day.

Be blessed today 

Always

Have a Bootiful day.

Suszi

Zombies for Jesus?

Good Morning Friends,

I want to take this opportunity to welcome so many new friends, I have gotten so many requests this week to join our group and to hear about my journey, it honors me that you would like to hear about my life.

I also want to send a special Happy birthday wish to one of the most wonderful and funny people I know.

Megan is one of the best friends I have and is the kind of friend that is so devoted and faithful.

So today eat pie in honor of Megan.

========

Today I am so grouchy, but I am working hard to get out of that.

My friend Carrie and I are making a special dinner for our husbands and presenting them our business plan.

So please pray that this desire the we think is from God, that our husbands will be open to it.

I miss my mom today, and I am not looking forward to the holidays with out her. My daughter is super wacky today also which is grating on me badly.

I am just in a funk today, so I will have to dig deep for peace and joy today.

I am not sure why some days are harder than others when your grieving, maybe a word or sound, a scent or touch that stirs your soul and memory. I got a whole bunch of PJ pants that were my moms and I put some on today and it felt like a hug from her. 

We are also going to make applesauce today and that is something my mom and I would do together every year. 

I also have to learn to put my husband and children first, I told you how my dad would put others before us because of work, and I tend to do the same thing. I get so excited and take off and forget those behind me, so I have to continue to hold my excitement back and honor my husband by stopping to listen to him, and being in submission to him spiritually.

I don't understand sometimes how my brain works and why I do the things I do, because I think one way and reality is different, or what others see. I want to honor God in every area of my life. My home and family, church and business, friends and others. To bring glory to His name and not my own.

Yes I am creative and talented, those are gifts. Gifts from God, given to glorify God, and used for His purposes. I want to help my family with these gifts financially, I have tried selling so many things and it just isn't my cup of tea (I hate tea). But using my art in a way that brings in money now that would be a blessing.

I know my job as a mother and wife carries no monetary pay but is priceless and valuable, that doesn't help buy food or clothes.

We have prayed, Carrie and I about this so much. I had been praying for money to buy supplies and just yesterday a lady asked if I could paint a Zombie and I said yes and for her fee she is paying us in the paint we need. Now I know zombies are not necessarily God derived, but my talent is and because what I do washes off with soap and water, and there is nothing vulgar about it, I feel I can glorify God with that, the couple I am doing them on will come to my house, see my life and hear about God. so I think God can use even zombies to bring people close to Him. I also get to be close to people who chitchat and I can pray for them and breath life into them, when I normally wouldn't be able to get a paint brush space away from them. I think that living for God doesn't always look that way, I am not walking around with a t-shirt that says "Your going to hell" or carrying a giant Bible or shouting "Praise Jesus" in every breath. It is in the quiet prayers, and the love we show others, like not getting mad when they butt in line or have 30 groceries in the express lane, showing patience and grace. God gives us all talents, I can paint, but what can you do in your work or lives to show God's love to others? On the phone with sales people, in a store helping others, serving them food a quick pray is said over? Jobs are stressful and crazy, but God is in control, He is glorious and those things that bug you about your job or stress you out, may be the one thing God wants to use you to glorify Him. For example that situation would have made me mad when the contractor put the pipes in wrong but, now he has to come back and that is just another time you can show grace and tell him about Jesus or show him peace and love.

One of my friends told me lately that the things the bug you in others, most likely is something in your life that is wrong, not theirs. So today if you are grouchy or angry or stressed, let's ask God to help us be patient, gracious and happy so through that we can show God's love to those around us.

Be blessed today.

 Always

Suszi

A wonderful woman...

Good Morning friends,

Today I want to talk to you about a wonderful person.

Judy she is my mother in law and one of the most wonderful  and amazing people I know.

The first time I met her I was so nervous, we were telling her we were engaged. 

She was wonderful from day one. I was accepted so much by her. 

She is so encouraging of my many endeavors, always willing to lend a hand.

As a grandma she became JUJU and has worn that title well. My daughter was the only grandchild for several years, and the change from mom to grandma took no effort at all, and we are all hoping that going to great grandma comes soon, mostly cause that makes me grandma hehehe. 

When my mom died, she was right there with love, compassion and encouragement.  

One of my favorite things about her being my MIL is the fact she came with her parents, the people who raised her so wonderfully, became my grandparents.

She has been an inspiration as far as raising my kids, she was one of the first people I meet who had raised special needs children. She has shown me how to fight for them, and to carry their "issues" with soo much grace and courage. She wears life with grace and peace. 

Judy is such a positive person. 

She is a historian, she researches genealogy, and records our history. She is so diligent in keeping pictures from the past preserved.

She has endured many hardships, but has withstood them with strength and dignity.

My most favorite thing about her is she raised an amazing son.

He is respectful, kind & loving. All qualities she instilled in him and he now does to his children.

I have so many stories of her and the fun we have had. She always makes Christmas fun.

I really dislike the Christmas season, and she brings so much joy and fun into it.

I could go on and on about the wonderful qualities she has, but I want more than anything to do is, wish her 

a very happy birthday today. 

I hope her day is fabulous and whimsical.

Be blessed today.

Always

Suszi

When we are down to nothing....

Good morning friends,

It is a wacky crazy day at the Grudem house.

One is wacky and nutty and one is "SiCk" he has a cough and a low temp, and you can't go to school with a temp. So he is home for the day. 

This was another rough weekend. Wake on Saturday at the same place my mom's was. That was a rough thing to have to go through so soon. Sunday was at the Catholic church I was raised in. Then lunch after. Long and emotional but so loving. I was so proud of my cousin Angie. She  was so brave. She stood and read her story, it was wonderful. I could never have done that. So heartfelt and enlightening.

I was supposed to read at my moms funeral and I couldn't do it, so I made my nephew do it. I was sitting with our friend Jessica, and had done good til she walked up there. 

Grief is so strange, how different it is when you lose an aunt or uncle, or a more distant relative, it hurts and you miss them, but a parent, spouse or God forbid a child, the grief is like a chunk of your soul being broke off. Like when you break a piece of fudge in half, it doesn't break nice and even, but jagged and crumbling. The kind of wound that doesn't heal perfect but leaves a raggedy wide scar that is painful forever.

You learn to live with the pain, but I don't believe you ever get over it, just learn to adjust your heart and feelings back to reality, but I don't believe the pain ever goes, it may wane a bit and not be sharp, but still remains. 

The Priest yesterday was talking about joy and the abundance of it. How some people are happy or full of joy but feel hollow inside, their joy is real but doesn't fill that emptiness, that hole inside that stays hollow until you find the only thing that fits perfectly into it, Jesus.

He can give you the only joy that goes to your soul.

That will take the pain of grief and soften the edges.

The joy you find in Him is complete, full and never ending. Whereas the joy you feel when someone tells a funny joke or story, you laugh but it soon goes away. 

I want a whole and true joy that permeates all darkness, that makes your soul sing.

Lets find that joy today.  Mostly cause the grief is unbearable, and I am cried out.

Hearing this word from a priest, kind of surprised me, not that I didn't think he could talk about it, it just kinda shocked me  he would at a funeral. It really stirred my soul. There was also a certain comfort being in my old parish. The contours of  the walls, the stations of the cross, the beautiful statuary, but the sadness of Jesus front and center still on the cross, it is like the story froze and ended at that point. There was sadness in that, no hope for salvation, Yes He died but He also rose again. The finality of that kind of shocked me. It shouldn't have, but maybe in my grief it stood out more. I am so thankful I know the whole story. I'm not downing Catholicism at all. I am just thinking out loud. 

Lets find joy and peace in knowing Jesus is alive and reigning. 

No matter what happens in life, death, loss of jobs, moving, divorce, abuse, and on and on.

God is in control. one of my favorite sayings is this...

"When we are down to nothing, God is up to something"

I know in our brokenness God can reign fully. In our pain He brings peace.

In our sadness, joy. 

So today go to God, give Him the things that are out of our control.

Be blessed today.

Always

Suszi

  

Hope is found in nothing less...

Good Morning friends,

Yesterday held many tears, just when I thought I could get through a day without any.

I got a call that my cousin died. And his daughter called and was hurting so badly and felt the same pain I did. She needed something I could give her, Hope. 

Hope blooms eternal, 

Isaiah 33:2-4

God, treat us kindly. You’re our only hope. First thing in the morning, be there for us! When things go bad, help us out! You spoke in thunder and everyone ran. You showed up and nations scattered. 

Hope what does it really mean? How can we find it, if we don't understand what it is.

hope  (həʊp)
— n
1.	( sometimes plural ) a feeling of desire for something and confidence in the possibility of its fulfilment:his hope for peace was justified ; their hopes were dashed
2.	a reasonable ground for this feeling: there is still hope
3.	a person or thing that gives cause for hope
4.	a thing, situation, or event that is desired: my hope is that prices will fall
5.	not a hope , some hope  used ironically to express little confidence that expectations will be fulfilled
— vb  (often foll by for )
6.	( tr; takes a clause as object or an infinitive ) to desire (something) with some possibility of fulfilment: we hope you can come ; I hope to tell you
7.	to have a wish (for a future event, situation, etc)
8.	( tr; takes a clause as object ) to trust, expect, or believe:  we hope that this is satisfactory Hope is to desire with possibility. To wish or trust, expect or believe. I think of the hymn: My hope is built is nothing less, then Jesus' blood and righteousness. Verse 3 says. His oath, his covenant, his blood supports me in the whelming flood. When all around my soul gives way, He then is all my hope and stay. I think of hope like, excited anticipation, I hope I get what I want for my birthday. The longing and wishing, and dreaming of better things. So often in life we are disappointed in one thing or another, and that will not stop. But there are things we can hope for that won't let us down. Jesus and His love and grace. The promise of Heaven. Our salvation. The world is not a hopeful place, nor is it a place of peace. Loss of jobs and wars and chaos. So having hope is not something we can find easily, except for in Christ. Loss of hope or never having hope would and does cause devastation in so many lives. So how can you and I give and share this hope? Glad you asked... By being there, being the arms and legs of Jesus. A hug, a smile, a call etc. Do you know someone who may feel hopeless? Pray today that God shows you who He wants you to share His hope with today. Let down your guard, and let people share your life. Do you feel hopeless? Do you hurt and need comfort? Call out to someone, anyone and be transparent and honest. If you think it is brave to hide your hopelessness or pain, because of whatever reason. It isn't. It is ok to be hurting. It is ok to talk about it and work it out. It is ok to be flawed. I cry and get angry, yell, get frustrated and overwhelmed. I sin, I hurt waves of hurt. But I have hope. I know I will see my Momma one day.  I know I will worship at the feet of Jesus. I know a time will come when I don't have to fight with dieting,  and self image or relationship issues. A place where death and sorrow will be no more. Peace sweet eternal peace and joy. Share hope today and be blessed. Always Suszi

I wanna go Home...

Good morning friends,

Today started out good, but had brought pain back, like when you peel off a scab, before it is healed.

It bleeds and rips and is raw and hurts.

My cousin died last night, he was young, had a family and people who loved him.

It was so painful yet good to be able to say "Just cry" or I know how you feel.

My first thought was I need to call my mom and dad. OK sadness.

When I got the call this morning I could hear the weariness of the situation. The inability to know what to do next. The loss of part of you. The decisions that you couldn't make with a clear mind, now you have to make under duress. The bubble you feel like your in, time stands still, while the world goes on, you can see those outside, but it is fuzzy, and you can't hear anyone outside, just those few who are with you on the inside.

It is a safe bubble but a painful place. Where tears fall freely and no one needs to know what is wrong. 

The bubble bursts eventually and facing the world and catching up is harder, Going on with life, when that makes you sadder. The guilt you feel for going on and the sharp pain of it. But it does get better each day and though it hurts still it becomes more bearable. Your memories of that person are hyper vivid, each picture a reminder of times of fun and love. 

Come to me all who are weary, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Resting in Gods arms is what gets you through. Allowing you to rest in Him. To lean on Him and His word.

Finding joy even if it is a little chuckle at first. I have learned you can have sorrow and joy together.

Side by side, they are emotions that are so close in the spectrum of things. I always believed you could only have one emotion at a time, but As I feel sorrow in my soul and continue to grieve, my mind finds joy and laughter, anxiety, frustration.

Life Goes on, even if we take a break for a while.

The most important thing I have learned is that so many things are not important.

Trivial things don't matter, but eternal things are the only priority.

Whenever I hear of someone dying the first thing I think is will I see them in Heaven?

Did their souls get ministered to? Did the first person they see when life faded was Jesus?

Knowing my mom loved God and As she died the last thing she said was "I see Jesus" gave my soul comfort knowing she was in heaven. 

She always said she was home sick for heaven, and wanted to go home. 

Until my mom died I understood that in theory, but now I know it in my spirit. 

Now I wanna go home. For the funeral my sister-in-law rewrote a song for my mom and I will try and post it on my Facebook page, but it is called "I wanna go Home" an amazing rewrite, and sung by a extremely talented musician in Australia. 

I used to be scared of death, but now I understand my moms longings.

I wanna go Home.

Be blessed today

Always

Suszi

I Laughed so hard, I had tears running down my leg......

Good morning friends,

Have you ever laughed so hard you pee your pants and can't breath? Or 

so hard you can't talk so you just clap your hands like a retarded seal?

Well let me tell you about yesterday.

My friend Carrie did not have a Facebook, so we set one up for her, her one condition was that she hates it when people talk about their poop on there and she didn't want anyone doing that on her page. Then....she made me her first friend....first mistake!!

I am the type of person who sees that not as a request but as a challenge...poor girl is all I can say. 

Well about that time another friend came in so depressed and upset.

Well i'm not sure how to tell you it started, a small harmless word "POOOOP" on her wall, and then the bandwagon took off. There were 4 people here, 3 of us who instantly got on line and started adding more and more and more, and because she didn't know how to navigate very well on there she was soon in our dust. Anddd the laughter began...we laughed so hard we were beyond breathing, and snorting and not breathing kind of laughing. It actually hurt. Laughing so hard you had to pee and couldn't get up cause you had to and wouldn't make it to the potty. The conversation just kept getting funnier and funnier...

When they say laughter is the best medicine, they were totally telling the truth.

I couldn't feel sorrow at all for the entirety of the day. Twelve hours later just sitting here and we were starting to do it all over again. The smallest little thing would set us off. Like a joy dam got a crack in it, and once it started breaking there was no stopping it. 

It sounded like a room of 6 year old boys, we told every poop joke possible and even made up a few.

It was so healing it is like that spot in my chest that was holding all the sorrow and pain, dissolved and nothing but pure joy replaced it. My mom would have loved it. She loved laughing, and silly humor.

 Psalm 100:1-2

 On your feet now—applaud God! 

Bring a gift of laughter, sing yourselves into his presence.

God even sees it as a form of worship. I think He heals though joy, joy is talked about so many times in the Bible. So if God thinks it is important, we need to do it more.

What makes you laugh? Who brings joy to your soul?

It is also said for every 15 minutes you laugh it adds 2 days to your life. 

So a command from God, Doctor approved, Child safe.

What are you waiting for?

Laugh.

Be blessed today.

Always

Suszi

Joy in the morning...

Good Morning Friends,

So today as I discuss grieving I am laughing at my friend and her ducks.

I love my friends and they make me laugh and that helps so much to heal.

It is still so hard, and yesterday I wondered if I would ever forget how her voice sounded, or her smell, the warmth of her embrace. I can see how many people hang on to every scrap of things that remind yo of that person. I am a sentimental person, but I have to set limits and not obsess. I saved one of her sweaters and just smell it often, but I am not going to preserve it and make a shrine to it. I will have a few things that are special to me, she was an artist and I have several paintings, she quilted and I have many of those, and photos and videos of her. I don't need tons of stuff to remember her. I have my memories and the lessons she taught me, those things that are the legacy of her. She taught me so many things in life but I think her greatest gift to me was her sense of humor, she loved to laugh and play practical jokes, and do wild and crazy things. One of my favorite stories is one time we were at Niagara Falls in the winter, my dad loved the boat rides under the falls, and my mom and I hate water, so we were sitting watching the water, I got cold and she was smoking, so I went in the gift shop, no one was there I had the whole place to my self, until a tour group of Asian people came in, they all stayed together as a group and looked at stuff, so a few minutes later when my mom came in I was across the room from them and instead of her coming to me, she went to the group and got right in the middle of them and started saying "ching bing wannabing dig ding" or some thing to that effect and the entire group turned and looked at me, I just shrugged my shoulders and shook my head, and walked away. She was always doing that stuff. so may things to remember and laugh about.

She also left a legacy spiritually, up until the moment she died she was telling people about Jesus, and being a spiritual mom to so many people. Those are the things that I want of her, her legacy and ideals. 

I want to be that woman, funny, kind, loving unconditionally, telling others about God without fear.

My parents marriage is also a legacy, 58 years, wow I remember when people in my class started being children of divorced families and it seemed rare, now I am the minority having my parents together still. Life was not always wonderful, there were hard time and times when they threatened to leave each other, but they never did. Love that lasted a life time. Vows that were lived, practiced and modeled.

The pain of my loss is hard and daily does wane, and some moments are hard and tears fall freely, pain is there but each day I see more light, and feel joy coming into the darkness. 

Sorrow may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.

Amen.

Have a blessed day.

and thank you all for being so loyal and reading .

Always

Suszi

The story of our love...

Good Morning friends,

Today is a celebration day.

Although each day of grieving is getting easier and will continue to be a journey.

But today we celebrate our Anniversary.

24 years together and about 5 great years hehehe.

We met in April of 1989, and I thought he was a nerd jock. He was a wrestler and a college guy.

I didn't have much interest in him at all. we had mutual friends and often saw each other.

My Senior Prom was the night I first saw him and was for years convinced

 he pinched my butt at a party. I now know differently. But on May 18th the White sidewalls were playing a street dance in Janesville, so I got a bunch of tickets, and only Dave showed up, and low and behold he was dressed the same as me. Ripped, faded, stonewashed Levi 501 jeans and a Hard Rock Cafe shirt. I thought well at least he has taste hehe. We then went to Mankato to Hardees and to his friends house, Then back to Janesville because I had to work at 11, ( I worked an overnight sleeping job) so we went and watched a movie at work and hung out til late. The next day I couldn't get him out of my head, so we drove through Menards parking lot where he was a cart boy, and I saw him but didn't stop because I didn't want to get him in trouble. He said later he thought it was a dream. So we went to his house and decided to clean, as you can imagine a house with 4 guys was pretty nasty, and piles of dishes. so he was so surprised when he got home and I was cleaning. O.K. I should not have let him believe I actually enjoyed doing that but young love causes us to do dumb things. After that day we were together constantly. He then started working inside Menards in the carpet department. So the day I brought him home to meet my mom, she was laying a rug she had just bought down and when he walked in she said "Hey you just sold me this, so come help me lay it" and He is the first guy I ever brought home my dad liked. 10 days after we started dating He told me he loved me. I graduated High school in June and was planning to go to college in Texas for fashion design. So plans were being made about long distance relationships. The week after graduation I went to South Dakota on a trip, so I guess the old adage that says absence makes the heart grow fonder was so true. I decided I couldn't live with out him. So we started talking about marriage shortly after graduation, and one day we were in Burnsville Center and stopped at Goodmans jewelers and I saw a set of rings that were amazing. So we bought them. It took a  few weeks to order and re size them so we just kept quiet about it. I met his family that weekend and was so excited about getting to know them. 

My parents had my uncle and aunt from KY at our house around my dad's birthday that year June 14th, and so we told them all sitting outside under the tree and by the swing I grew up swinging on. My dad cried and needed to cut my toenails (don't ask heheheh). That day started an entire whirlwind of decisions. A date? May of 1990 was set. and then changed to October of 1989. I have planned many weddings and getting one one the scale of mine ready in 3 1/2 months should have been impossible. Not for God. Called about Hall, they had a cancellation, called church, not booked, caterer available. So October it was.

Planning the wedding was amazing. found a dress daddy made me get, one that was  $1,100 and I made my veil. decor was chosen. Flowers ordered, food, craziness abounded. 

The day was beautiful, and so warm, when you plan a fall wedding you expect cool weather so when it got here it was about 80 degrees and with tuxes and velvet dresses, it was a bit over the top, but splendid. It was so fun and exhausting and wonderful.

It has taken us a long time to get to the place where we like each other and love to spend time together.

But as we grow old together, life gets better every day. 

I now cherish our time we have and look back and realize God has always been with us. 

Life looks differently now, last year for 

Dave's birthday my gift to him was a written commitment of my love and devotion, it was a life changing moment in our marriage, something I should have done seriously 24 years ago, but still not to late.

So today marks the day that transformed me into the wife, mother, lover, friend, soul mate to a wonderfully brilliant and flawed man who God knew was perfect for me. I know my many ideas and craziness make him crazy. But he loves me unconditionally regardless of who I am.

I love this man more everyday and intend to spend everyday making him crazy and wonderful.

Next year for our 25th we want to have a renewal of our vows and have it like the original wedding I wanted. Simple and fun. 

I hope you are encouraged in some way that if you feel like you can't take another day in your marriage or the grass looks greener, STOP your thinking and know that tomorrow may be better. 

Have grace and patience, and work on being the kind of wife God intends for you to be.

I also will work on being a better wife, so like my parents married 58 years and Dave's grand parents married 67 years and are still so in love. These examples have given me a road map for the future, and serve as a compass by which to steer by, in the many years Dave and I spend together.

Cross my Heart.

May God bless you today.

Always

Suszi

One step at a time....breath, cry, step...

Good morning friends,

You are probably

 going to get tired of reading about my grief.

And I thought of just going on, but have decided I need this time.

Not so I can stew in self pity, but so if someone out there who is hurting that there is hope, and so I don't cover up my grief and put on a brave face before I am ready.

It is true each day gets better, but yesterday was hard.

My dad decided he wanted my mom's sewing room cleaned out.

I was not ready to do this yet. But He is so...we cleaned.

I also went through nearly every drawer and book and so many things.

My mom told me in the hospital that she wouldn't say goodbye to me.

That she had written me letters and hid them all over her house.

I have yet to find anything. so my mom is either a really good hider or a good lair.

Everyone else thinks she is a lair, but I have hope, my dad had seen her writing letters a few days before.

 I want to think it is true, but I guess I will never know.

But I did have a hard time, that is like her sacred area. It went fine til I found her wedding rings and the ring my daddy gave her for their anniversary a few years ago.

My mom was creative, she sewed and crocheted and painted. 

So I brought it home, and added it to my ever over flowing home, that is about to hemorrhage at the seems.

Also, I opened my eyes enough to realize Ian was grieving as much as I was. He was just showing it differently. I am trying to be patient and soft but it is so hard. It hurts. I cry at night most of the nights. and every day it isn't as much as I go day to day.

Today is a new day, I will go on.

step by step one at a time.

Thank God for friends who sit and call and encourage me, quietly and lovingly.

Thank you dear faithful readers for patience as I journey this dark place.

It gives me comfort knowing you are all there. 

Be blessed today 

Always 

Suszi

Grief cycles....words from Momma....

Good morning friends,

I thought I would share where I am.

This grief cycle was most fitting for me.

While looking for this I found the poem above, and it gave me peace.

I would first like to say Thank you to those friends who are praying for me and those who have just sat and let me cry or sleep and just were here for me.

I have spent the last 2 days in bed, mostly because of lack of sleep. but also out of depression, I am sure.

I spend most of the night crying, so my sleep cycle was messed up.

Dave stayed home yesterday and was just here for me, he is an amazing man.

I am right at the bottom of this cycle. Lonely and hurting and so sad, feeling sorry for myself, and total lack of wanting to do anything. This morning I finally feel it lifting a bit. I truly hope it is short lived.

But I will bear it and go on. I am to tired and hurting to pray it seems but, I have talked to God anyway, and I just sit on His lap. He knows my heart, and I am so glad cause it feels so dark right now. I feel so many overwhelming emotions, it is hard to know what to feel. 

Loneliness (missing momma), anger (at the cigarettes), sadness (for my daddy), Relief (her suffering is over), Upset (my brothers arnt reaching out to me, but then neither am I), Thankful (for amazing friends and church family) short tempered (grrr) overwhelmed (life must go on) and peace (knowing God has this in control)

and also thankful for  you all my faithful readers, I want to send you hope and to write to you and it gives me something to look forward too.

Thank you for being on this journey with me and for all your encouragement.

I am trying to plan things for months to come, a cookie exchange, Thanksgiving, Christmas, so I can go ahead and I will.

I hate crying and I am angry it doesn't burn calories cause I would weigh 90 pounds right now.

Today I will be slow, and I suppose I should bathe, and comb my hair. Or my friends wont come help or be with me. My friends are here for a few days to organize and help me clean. To go with me to daddy's.

Going to hug my kids close today.

Please keep my family in your prayers today,

and as always be blessed today.

Always

Suszi

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

Good morning friends,

I know it has seemed like so long, I am so sorry.

The past few weeks have left me in a place of despair, and sadness. 

Last week I was at History Fest, one of the best weeks of my year.

I wasn't in charge this year and I got to paint faces thousands of them.

That helped some but reality has sunk in again. I don't feel like writing, or any of those things, but as I force myself back to reality and life it is getting easier. I have never felt such overwhelming sadness before.

I have had and felt loss in my life, and dealt with death before. This time is harder.

It was so nice at the funeral to be around so many people and family.

But as often it goes, people have to go back to life and reality.

So for me sadness has set in, and weariness. I have let my body take all it can take.

Now I have to rest, and that requires life to stop which it cannot. 

I am so thankful for those friends who come, and just sit. That no words need be said, just here.

I sleep a ton, and life is going on. I really have no obligations, so that helps, except it gives me nothing to look forward too. So I guess it is time to " Get over it" as my mom would say often.

I have joy in all the amazing things that happened during the time at the hospital, and I will share them soon.

Having you friends out there, also brings peace to my soul.

I don't understand why my family grieves the way they do, by pulling 

away, but life must go on. 

So today, I take a step, one step toward happiness.

Not letting despair overtake me.

The Joy of the Lord is my strength.

Thank you for being patient in this hard time of my life.

always

Suszi

A long Journey began...

Good Morning friends,

Sorry it has been so long, since I have written.

The past week was so full of bitter sweet time with my family.

I will tell you all about it in time to come. Today I just want you to know that

because of the grace of God, I made it through this entire time of my momma dying with such a peace and grace. I got to spend many precious moments with my mom before she died, it was so special. 

My mom was always so funny, and she carried that humor all through her dying. She always had a way of making everything fun. The one thing my mom did do was unashamedly told people of her faith until her last breath. She had such courage and strength. Her wish was to have her children around her. I have 3 brothers and many foster kids and many adopted brothers, and she had everyone there. My brother Jeff flew from Australia and made it in time for her to say she loved him. 

My daddy was so strong also, and glad to see her not suffering anymore. 

I am still numb from the whole thing and exhausted but that too in time will pass. But I cherish each moment I had with her. One thing this showed me though is the people who are my true friends. Those people who dropped everything to help or feed or clean or hug. I never once had to worry about feeding my kids, or my house being clean for guests, or someone to call. I cannot even express the amount of gratitude I feel. I saw my church family in action, and they are all amazing. I am most thankful for those who just sit with me, not saying anything but just being here, quiet strength and support. I find peace just knowing they are here and it helps so much. Even those hurting in their own lives, set that aside to care for my family and me. 

 In days to come I will share this tremendous journey with you and how I saw God work in so many lives.

And please continue to pray for my family especially my daddy as he makes decisions for the future.

Thank you all  so much.

Blessings to you all

always,

Suszi