Stepping up to my call

Good morning friends

Today I am taking a step on a new journey.

One I have been planning a long time and waiting for the final confirmation.

Well it is time. 

I spent so many years saying I will go when all my debt is paid, or when I lose 100 pounds, when I have better clothes or my life is all together.

Well guess what NONE of that will be at the same time and I am certain many of those will never happen.

We make excuses to not do what God is calling us to do. 

Most of the reasoning is from a place of fear.

I for one am tired of excuses and fear.

I AM READY...

God is calling me to share hope and to speak life into others.

My story is full of many ups and downs and I have a great story to tell.

I have no idea where God will send me, or even if I know what to do next, 

I just know this is my first step toward His will.

I am supposed to go out and share my story with people,

I don't even know who my target audience is, I assume women but it is in Gods hands alone.

When I started this journey it was the first guideline given that was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

He said "DO NOT make one move toward the end unless I say" ouch.

Instantly I was like you know I can do this? and you want me to what? have patience? for how long?

I don't like to sit and be patient...I am far to busy..lets just get this show on the road....

NO !!!

Sooo like so many times before He had to come down from Heaven and sit me down like an unruly child. I have been to sick and in pain to move, and just when I could get up and move around, rip...a muscle tear,,,SIT DOWN YOUNG LADY!!!!!

So here I sit.

and have sat.....

FINALLY a few weeks ago I got the confirmation I needed and the means and will to begin. 

But as with all journeys it takes one step to start. 

This is that step.

All the other things are in place and bags are packed and I'm ready.

He just has to make a way...

So I guess what I'm saying is if you or your church or group need a speaker I am willing to be a part of your event. 

God called. I listened. I stepped.

Off we go.

Thank you to my loyal readers, all 4 of you

You are what inspires me and encourages me to write about all I write about.

Be blessed and please let me know if I can share my life with you.

Always

Suszi

Going where no fearful person has gone before.

Good Morning Friends,

I am so excited, for things to come, things happening right now and things left behind.

God is opening doors I never thought possible in my life in this small town in MN.

I have these amazing friends, ALL have issues and all love me despite my failings and support me regardless of the situation, The things we leave behind is what is I am most thankful for.

The things I have failed at, or the things that have just ended. Those are the things that teach lessons.

I failed a lot in life, but by the grace of God, I got back up and continued on. Many times to fall again, and up again......

I'm a slow learner. All of the experiences in life are what mold us and help us to become the person we are. I often think about the choices we make, not huge ones but the small things, like turning right instead of left or going to this store instead of that one. Sitting on a park bench instead of keep walking. How often do we miss the opportunities God puts before us..To we stop and ask God which way or where should I go? I try to...most times I'm running on overdrive and forget to ask.

Being faithful in small things prepare us to be faithful in large.

When God calls....It is scary and hard and the most important thing you can do is listen to Him.

He stretches us and pulls us and pushes us in ways to make us who we are, but also to use us miraculously. Being a good person or christian is not all there is to it. Being a listener to God and moving in His will is everything.

Today lets all pray which turn to make, and where He wants us to go..even if we think there isn't time, or we have to much to do. Stop and breathe and listen.

Fear so many times is what hurts us the most.

I only look fearless, hehehe...but fear holds me back. Fear keeps me from so much. So today I am done being afraid. I will walk where He wants me to go, and HE will protect and carry me.

Today is Faith in action. 

Going where no fearful person has gone before.

breathe in and out...in and out.....GO GO GO

God where will you use me today? Use me for your will and purpose..

Give me the words to say, ears to listen, and heart to love..

Help me be Jesus with skin on,

Blessing to you today

Always

Suszi

Change me God, even if it hurts....

Good Morning friends,

I often wonder what people think when they see me.

I know I'm loud and crazy and irreverent.

I know I open my mouth before my brain checks what I'm going to say.

I know I have a lot to work on.

And a longgggg way to go before "I make it"

The Bible says many things about how a woman of God should act.

Then again He made me this way for a reason?

My husband often tells me I need to turn on my filters in my mouth.

I'm sure a lot of what I say is unnecessary.

But like I said God knew that when He created me.

Often with me and God we deal with one issue at a time.

 The issue right now is the fact that somehow I end up talking about myself to much in every conversation. It isn't like I don't want to hear what others say, its more like I may want some semblance of normalcy and try to relate? Or it could be the fact that I was the center of attention my whole life with my family and now I'm not? It is hard to say and I could analyze why forever .When what I really need is to change. So anytime I'm talking now I'm trying to listen and tell myself to ask questions about them and not make a comment about me. I really try no to be narcissistic, but wow 44 years of me.. me... me is a hard habit to break. I want to be less self aware and more aware of what God wants me to speak into others lives. When I was a teenager I went to a conference and it changed me.  I was less bold, not shy but hardly as loud as I am now. The speaker was talking about asking "The hard questions" . I remember thinking and praying that God would use me to be that person.

Well it really wasn't a hard stretch for me to get there, but that day He breathed a boldness into my life, that is often a bit overwhelming. 

I wish sometimes I was mild and proper. But that is NOT who I am, and at this point in my life I accept that and pray God use me despite my failings. 

God is moving me into a greater purpose, to tell people about this God who accepts and loves us despite ourselves.

The thing about our failings and flaws, God knows about them. 

He after all is the one who formed us. He loves us.

What is God trying to work on in your life?

Are you willing to let Him, even if it is painful?

Pray that God will show you and roll up your sleeves and get to work.

Be blessed today 

Always

Suszi

"Happy" Behcet's Day I guess

Good Morning friends,

Today is International Behcet's Awareness Day.

I have been posting a lot of info and appreciate you who have taken the time to learn.

I also have been thinking how to describe my pain to you without whining or complaining.

I in no way want pity nor am I asking for sympathy, my 

goal with today's post is just to give you a taste of my pain and let you walk a step or two in my shoes, if you will.

So just for today I'm going to attempt to explain my illness and how I feel both physically and mentally. 

I'm just going to go from head down.

Head

No less than 1000 tiny blister spots on my scalp

Thinning hair

Occipital Neuralgia (swelling in the back of my head)

Headaches 

constantly - not migraines but Complex headaches which is like 15 different headaches at once, and yes I understand how you feel when you have a migraine, but times that by 100 and you might understand mine (sorry for ranting)

Eyes- 

drain constantly, crust over, feel dry, sore and burn, sores on nerves will lead to blindness, double vision and floaters constantly.

Ears- 

Ulceration sores inside my ears deep cause them to itch and be sore, may cause hearing loss.

Mouth and throat

Loss of vocal strength (sores on vocal chords)

sores in throat

Constant ulceration's on tongue and lips

Tooth pain due to filling constantly falling out.

acne looking sores that are like boils and take weeks to go away.

Chest and abdominal areas and back

Joints are swollen and painful to move (like RA)

skin has sores or boil like sores

Age or brown spots spreading

several sores that will not heal

scars from previous sores

Ripped rotator cuff

sores under breasts stretch marks rip open 

chest pain (constantly watching for blood clots or aneurysms)

Bi-jimney (heart beats out of sync )

abdominal pain (constant like appendix rupture feel)

irritable  bowel like symptoms  

fear of lesions on organs and shutting them down

Lungs (toxic mold poisoning but made worse by disease)

extra weight from medications

vaginal sores (grape sized ulceration's and small lesions)

Anal sores as described above

several organs ie gallbladder, hysterectomy removed 

Spine swelling and pain

Lower body

hips and legs

all joints swollen and painful

Sores all over

 muscle weakness and tears easily

ie, torn Achilles tendon in foot

Knees (weak and swollen)

foot pain (painful to walk)

Mentally and emotionally

Depressed and anxious

exhaustion and chronic fatigue 

Insomnia 

feel alone like no one understands

Frustration because I cannot move like I used to

Anger cause my mind says yes and body says no

Worthless because to clean or cook is nearly impossible

Finishing a task is inevitable

Being active for the kids is rare

Crazy because meds and stress make the symptoms worse

I know I shouldn't get angry when others hurt and  I don't unless they say "I understand how you feel"

unless you have this disease you cannot fathom

Frustration having to choose my activities for the day.

Like a bad friend or family member because there are so many days I can do nothing.

Sad because my mom fought for years to get a diagnosis and i got it finally just after she died.

And sad she isn't here to make me feel better.

I get angry faster due to pain.

I yell and swear cause I'm so frustrated with it all

I hate good days cause I know tomorrow wont be

Brain fog and forgetting, words and dates and names.

Stroke like spells TIA's

This is how I feel just today. I know one thing for sure that God will sustain me, and use me and will someday use my story. I know I have it good compared to others, I am blessed. I know I will be whole and well someday and if that is in Heaven so be it. I know I have an amazing husband and kids that love me and take care of me. I know my momma is with Jesus and that is where she always longed to be. I know I have friends despite their own struggles, uplift and encourage me daily to keep moving ahead, and who take me to er or sit with me at the hospital. Who make fun of me and who make me smile, and forgive when I have to say no and who also say no for me. 

I have so much to be thankful for.

I also pray that whatever struggle you are facing whether it be physical or emotional, God will also sustain you, and use you for His glory.

May Gods grace shine on you today.

I hope this brief glance helps you understand this disease

and helps raise awareness for all the silent diseases,

and when you see someone in a handicapped spot you don't judge, because

every step is hard some days.

Always

Suszi

Behcet's Syndrome Eve

Good Morning friends,

Tomorrow is International Behcet's Day

and I just happen to be able to celebrate this day...yipee

I'm kidding, this disease is horrific.

There isn't one spot on my body that doesn't hurts all the time.

I forget what it was like to be pain free, I think I was 8.

I have spent 35 years trying to figure out what this was, and finally got diagnosed about a year ago.

Some days I'm pretty mobile and others I have to fake it, and many I'm bed ridden.

or in the hospital. 

I am so thankful for the friends I have, they are so understanding and forgiving when I have days when my body says no, or when I should say no and don't and they see the signs and say no for me.

Stress makes it worse, and I live a stressful life. 

The thing I hate the worst is that my symptoms can change on a dime. One minute i"m fine and one minute later I am on my  way to ER. 

Right now I have more bad than good days, but a time is coming when I will overcome this and be pain free. At least that is my prayer. It is so hard to understand how I feel, but I'm grateful I have people who try. 

here is how Mayo defines Behcets.

Behcet's (beh-CHETS) disease, also called Behcet's syndrome, is a rare disorder that causes inflammation in blood vessels throughout your body. The inflammation of Behcet's disease leads to numerous symptoms that may initially seem unrelated. The signs and symptoms of Behcet's disease — which may include mouth sores, eye inflammation, skin rashes and lesions, and genital sores — vary from person to person and may come and go on their own.

The exact cause of Behcet's is unknown, but it may be an autoimmune disorder, which means the body's immune system mistakenly attacks some of its own healthy cells. Both genetic and environmental factors may be responsible for Behcet's disease.

Treatment aims to reduce the signs and symptoms of Behcet's disease and to prevent serious complications, such as blindness.

I wont bore you with more, but if your interested the rest of the article can be read at

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/behcets-disease/basics/symptoms/con-20027549

Thanks for caring enough to read and maybe understand a little.

Wear Blue tomorrow to help support Behcet's Syndrome

Always

Suszi

Heading into the great unknown

Good Morning friends,

I know, I know it has been a long time...sorry I have no excuse.

Let me tell you about my weekend adventures.

I worked which was good, but I also attended a women's day out the local christian radio station put on. WOW was I blessed. I couldn't attend the whole thing because of work so I came and went but it seemed for the sessions I could be there were ordained to be for me..Isn't God amazing? The first session was about beauty, the second was a mother who lost her son 3 weeks ago, and the last was my friend Kim Gravel talking about taking a first step into our destiny. It was so needed as if God himself just came and talked to me. 

God has called me. He has given me a direction and a job to do. and nearly all my bags are packed and I am very ready for the next step of this journey. It just requires a small step forward. a step of faith and courage...a step forward. But, I'm scared..... but I am bigger than my fears, I'm comfortable where I am..But sometimes God needs our discomfort to move us into His path for us. I don't know what is going to happen next......God does and sometimes for our own good we need to trust and let Him have control. THAT is hard for me. 

This particular journey requires NO assistance from me. When God showed me what He required of me, the main thing was to not take a single step unless He ordained it. That is also Hard for me. I am a doer, a grab the bull by the horns and get stuff done kinda person. So to say sit down and shut up until I say go. That is hard for me...really hard. 

IT IS TIME...

Despite my weight, my money situation, my kids, my husband, my job, my life being perfect....Those and a thousand excuses I have, do not work on God.

He says go..go...go. and like a child holding its mamas leg when she is leaving. kicking and screaming... I will release my fears and concerns and GO. 

One step...

and I am stepping...

STEP.....shaking 

STEP.....

I got this..

STEP

Here I go

andddd

STEP...

My baby is having a baby

Good Morning friends,

Today I'm happy to announce 

I'M GOING TO BE A GRANDMA!!!

I'm just a little excited.

I have been waiting for this my whole life.

I was so excited when they told us.

But something I didn't expect.

A deep concern about MY baby.

She doesn't do pain well or sickness.

So as excited as I am, I also hurt for her. 

My only pregnancy was with her and as wondrous as it was also 

scary and also filled with sickness. 

Although my circumstances were different, it still worries me. 

The thing I hope the most is that she be able to get through the next months okay.

Helena has been through a lot in her life, most good but some not. I have no doubt what so ever that she will make an amazing mom. She is strong and brave. She has her daddy's brain and my creativity. 

I prayed everyday she was in my womb. For her eyes and mind and  every aspect of her life even her husband someday. She has grown into an amazing woman. 

She is very beloved and kind. Now I guess it is time to pray for the little one inside her. That in some way it will be even more amazing.

I am so proud of her and her accomplishments, and like my momma always told me..."It isn't the grades or plaques on a wall, it is the love you share and the person you have become that is more important," 

I am not worried she will be a good mother, not because I was, but despite me. 

Through the grace of God and the person she is.

She has made me so proud over the years, but nothing like this. 

One of the greatest things in the world that you can experience. 

The birth of a child.

Joyous, amazing and hard.

So this new journey begins, to being a grandma.

I believe it shall be the most fun journey I have ever taken.

I love you Helena and Thank you for making me a Gramma.

Always

Suszi

Dreams of Joy

Good morning friends,

I know it has been a long time and I'm sorry, life has a way of taking time and not giving it back.

I had to write today and tell you about my drean last night.

I have been working on joy for a long time, learning the best way to achieve it.

Generally I have crazy dreams I forget quickly, but once in a while I dream a dream so real and so close to God you hate to leave, I had one of those dreams.

Dream

We were in a huge stadium but like behind the scenes in the back, we could hear the screams of the crowd and watched as each play prepped for his appearance. The photo area , the dressing area, etc..loud and exciting but no joy. our parents were in a room gathered together in a tight bunch , hands raised praying for joy to come. I looked in and thought "that is great, but it seems old fashioned and was it getting what we needed?"...I also saw bunches of kids around dancing or playing trying to produce joy artificially, but to no avail. Then there were angels standing straight , tall and silent, waiting to bring joy. I tried every spot to find joy and noting happened. Until i found a tiny box of joy hidden someplace.I didn't know what to do it seemed like a tiny bit how could this make a change in all this chaos ? finally I went to the main angel and He wouldn't tell me what to do with it, but that I had to decide myself, In true fashion i got frustrated and threw the box at him. He looked at me and laughed and nodded, apparently that was the "right" thing to do, go figure. The whole scene changed, the kids came out of their fight for joy and danced and sang, we were given drums to bang and tambourines and they were dancing and praising God. There was no set words or prayer of song, each doing what they wanted in praising God. I ran to check the parents to tell them, but got shushed and told to be ready that joy would be here eventually, but they were stuck in that spot waiting for what they couldn't see happening. I banged drums and sang and laughed, new rooms or areas would light up as the joy spread. I was in awe how the contents of that tiny box multiplied and I went back to the "in charge" angel, and he laughed deep and long, a laugh from the very soul of God.

So many more kids showed up and were finding the joy, begging for it. Dry as though they were in a desert and thirsty, and a tiny sparkle would hit them and the laughter would begin.

My theory 

Well the chaos was the world loud and draining, so many things happening all at once. Distraction all over. The parents are the old way of doing things, not wrong but, not as effective. The angels are at the ready to release the joy but we have to find the source. I'm not sure why I threw it but maybe we need to "take the bull by the horns" and throw it like a lit firecracker? The joy in a tiny box, looks so insignificant, hardly worth the time. But it is like glitter, billions of tiny pieces. They spread and multiply it seems. 

Joy doesn't need much to spread. Have you ever had a laughing fit and nothing way funny? where you laughed so hard you nearly peed yourself, or clapped like a seal. I do and have many times. Laughter brings healing.
The verse I have stood on since my mom died and has carried me is this...

Sorrow May last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.

When joy comes..when joy comes...

You mean we don't have to earn it? buy it? control it?

IT IS FREE..

I love free..reallllly love free.

Finding so much joy in little things like how your best friend cant get into her car cause her boobs are in the way...or those boys who can't wear their pants right and they fall down. 

A baby, a kiss, a puppy.

so many tiny packages of joy waiting to be thrown at someone.

A smile, a touch, a soft hello.

A tiny box.

Always

Suszi

Due Diligence

Good Morning Friends,

So a new year has begun and life just goes right along with it.

It is funny looking back at the last 3 years in my life and seeing what I thought I simply could not handle and seeing now how very much I did handle. God has stretched, pulled, wrung out and squeezed and pushed me to what I thought were my very limits only to show me I had no limits in Him. 

We get so comfortable in our little lives and hope for the best, or just trudge along hoping for sunny skies. Wanting more, money, health, peace. Which feel unattainable until we realize, all things are attainable and reachable, we just have to reach and stretch to reach them. A child or me will want a cookie on the top shelf and do everything they can to get it until they succeed. But if it is something we want but aren't willing to get uncomfortable for, we want it handed to us, there is no struggle to get it, we don't appreciate it as much. The peace I have today, the hope I have today, the strength I have today is earned. God can give you peace by asking, but working to get it will make it life changing peace, peace that doesn't leave you. You wear it like a birthday pin. Proud and sharable. Not that I would encourage anyone to endure the pain I have felt, but I also DO encourage you to look past the present situation and pursue peace in Him alone.  I don't make New Years resolutions, but this year I did want to change life. I wanted that joy and peace and happiness. I proclaimed it would be different, not a resolution which I believe has a hidden meaning: To want badly, but to know it will only last 2 weeks. I want a life changing peace. not a temporary fix. I want to be used by God.

I want to spread hope. I want to share my journey. 

If you had those things and have lost them, you may have been holding them loosely and forgotten to be diligent in pursuing them. I grow frustrated  in my daily life and wonder where my joy is. Where my peace has gone? Well it is there but I kinda drug it on the ground and it got full or dirt and dust. So I need to learn to take care of those things, don't let them grow mediocre and mundane, but  also don't put them on a shelf and just use them for special occasions either. We have to learn to wear them like a favorite sweater, you just grab it and wear it without thinking, it is comfortable and broke in. You don't worry how you look in it because it is almost part of you. You need to feel so comfortable with the things of God you wear them well and with confidence. 

I  have to be diligent, always aware of my mouth and my surroundings, Sometimes I open it and the dumbest things come out, but training it to wear the things of God also, will only work in my favor.

Like now this moment, my son had an appointment I once again messed up the time on. He has been out 3 days from school with a temp. and they cannot go for 24 hours of the last high temp.  I was picking up my computer and the screen cracked AGAIN. for the 3rd time in 2 months. I have a head ache and a meeting to get ready for. Breathe....Breathe....let it go. somethings are not worth the stress

Suddenly my Josh Groban CD mysteriously started in the kitchen singing "Surrender" God is so funny sometimes. Well I better get ready, and sign off.

Have a blessed day.

Always

Misinterpretation in the drop-off lane

Good Morning friends,

Sorry it has been so long. My hard drive crashed twice.

Once accidentally and once not so accidental.

I have so many different things I want to talk about, but I will start with yesterday morning.

I'm sure many of you know I HATE the drop-off lane at my sons school. I mean really how hard is it to throw your kid out of the car and drive off? Say goodbye on the way, have them wear their backpack, open door, shove, drive. Not rocket science. Yet people always feel the need to stop open the back hatch of your enormous SUV and get 5 packs out and hug the kids and watch as they walk to the door. NO!!! So as you can tell this is an issue with me, one I pray and deal with daily.

So there is this one dad and it seems he just doesn't get it. Every morning get out walk around your van, unbuckle the kid. Yeah don't judge we don't buckle that 1/2 block to school because that 2 extra seconds it takes to unbuckle matters. I digress.. So yesterday, true to fashion. people are stupid, like the ones who skip the line. drive ahead and try to squeeze in front of you just as you get to drop-off point. They are fun. So I get behind van dad, crap here we go. He stops gets out, unbuckles and walks around geez come on and I pulled up to close to get out without him moving. Then it starts, this ritual dad says something, they give 5's 6 different ways, boy whispers to dad, dad whispers back, they hug and dad watches as boy gets to the door. This takes maybe a minute, but I realize the little boy is in my son'd class and has been since kindergarten. He is severally autistic. The routine they were doing was a set routine that must be done to insure a good day. As with many special needs kids, those little routines make or break a day, we understand only to well. So I took a deep breath and realized what I was watching was not a nuisance or something to irritate me. It was a fathers love and devotion. A daddy knowing his child and wanting the very best for him. A papa who knows his son cant just be shoved out of the car to fend for himself. A patient parent who knows those precious seconds count in a whole day. WOW. God has to really show me things up close sometimes, like a 2 x 4 to the head. Okay so yes my routine this morning was the same, jump in. backpack on, talk, pray, shove out the door. But I was looking for van dad. As he once again., rain or shine or freeze, as he preformed the ritual again. The only difference today as cars butted in and I got stuck pulling up to  close, was MY attitude. I watched as parents got out, but I saw that man and his son and the unconditional love of a father. My heart melted. How very much more does our Father God loving us in those little things that make or break our day? And what am I missing because I am in such a hurry to get home to my chair and coffee? God can speak many ways, But to me He uses the Drop-off lane to show His unconditional love to me.

Have a blessed day.

Always

Suszi