LOW FUEL.....

Good Morning friends,

Today is going to be short.

You see I am empty.

Have you ever seen a puddle after the sundries it?

 Big chunks of flaky mud all hard and crumbly?

That is me today. 

Therefore my ability to give anything to you would drain what little I have of myself.

It is very important for me to once again fill my soul and life 

to the point when I do give to you I am not drawing from nothing.

The more I give when I have nothing isn't helping either of us.

So today I search for Joy and abundance in my life so I can once again share with you.

Be back very soon

Always

Suszi

What makes a muskrat guard his musk?

Good morning friends,

What make a muskrat guard his musk? 

Courage.

Today that is on my heart.

I don't feel couragous at all. I dont think I am.

But none of us wake up and say "I think I will be couragous today"

I think overcoming each small obsticle in life makes us 

There are those who are hughly couragous, cancer patients, soliders

I have done a few couragous things in life. But today I feel that just taking a shower or going out somewhere would take courage. 

Recently I saw a sign that said. "Change is not failure" Courage to change?

I dont like change, so it takes courage for me to do it.

I dont have tons of it at all courage that is, and lately it has been spent on just making it through a day.

Satan has hit me so hard latly with so many thoughts. I pray constantly and yes that helps.

But it is still hard. Last weekend I had sucidal thoughts for a few days. I knew I wouldn't ever do that but, I still had evil whispering in my ear. Those thoughts I understand. YES that would solve my problems, but what about my kids? Dave? I mean really could anyone raise these two alone? 

I wouldn't but the pain I am feeling is so raw. Then add new pain to it. And it is like a scratch you rescratch when it is raw. OUCH. 

I am being honest and I know it is important for me to be so today.

A tiny baby step takes courage, to go on with grief, to heal, to overcome, to forgive.

Grabbing your leg and dragging it in front of the other one. Forcing life to go on.

Finding Joy when there shouldn't be joy. Finding peace that only comes from God.

One day last year, We almost died. I was stopped at a stop sign and my purse fell over so I bent down to pick it up, as soon as I raised up an SUV sped past me and hit the curb and flew into the side of the house. Had my purse not fallen I would have inched ahead to see around the corner and been hit right on my door.

Well I pulled over and was first on the scene, Long story short, I helped. The cars door was bent shut and i tried to open it and it wouldnt budge, so I prayed and pulled as hard as i could and got it open.

Not that it was couragous, but I didn't think twice about helping. Is that courage?

My cousin who has Reumatoid Artheritus was walking her dog the other day and it tripped her about 5 feet from the mail box. she fell and landed on her head in the mud and poop. Now that is extremely hilarious to me, but there was a car at the mailbox, they looked at her, rolled up their window and drove away. Ok so that made me mad. You see someone hurt and you don't help? I so don't understand that. Who does that? Doesn't ask if you are ok? nothing? Just go to your house and get out and go in and pretend like nothing happened. I don't think that takes courage, just kindness and love.I would love to think

 I know no one who would just walk away, but I am sure many don't want to get involved. 

My hubby gets mad sometimes if we see someone hurting or a car crash and I want to stop, when there is sirens in the distance. He says I am just being nosy hehe, but I really want to help. 

But above all I always have in my mind two things.

 1. What would I want if that was me?

2. What if that is an angel?

I don't want to be the one who didn't help.

Is that courage or guilt? 

I say courage. 

Today I will take out my paint and make something.

A Step.

A journey cannot start until the first step is taken.

What do you need to do today that takes courage?

Be blessed today

Always 

Suszi

Grace goes both ways...

Good Morning friends,

Last time I told you of my prayer, little did I know how that would rock my world, or how dangerous those few little words would be.

Well what happens next was the most painful time in my life.

When I prayed,  I had no idea that the one thing I was putting before God was my family.

The thought of losing one of my parents consumed me. Their dying would be and was my worst and hugest fear. But was I thinking THAT over God? Yep, everyday for years I worried would today be the call about them dying? I had no idea how I would live if they died. 

Well that was all taken care of one day. I now know about why that day started like it did, and I also know who started the mess. But it was through whispers and little nudges, from an outside party. Someone who wanted so badly to be a part of our family and be loved by my parents they just didn't understand that which they wanted, was the thing they were destroying. After the day by brother disowned me so did the rest of my family, no one except my oldest brother talked to me. It was my worst night mare I not only lost my parents but everyone in between. I grieved for weeks. 

But the one thing that came out of that whole mess, was my boundaries. Not long ago I talked about God allowing bad things to happen, so He could be glorified. Well that is what happened. Instead of running to my earthly father and mother I ran to HIM. I was broken in a way I never knew existed, Little did I know that that was merely preparation time for what was to come. Had my momma or daddy died  right then I would have be devastated to the most horrific degree, but since they had done the whole disowning thing, I was able to detach myself from them and that fear. I was able to set up boundaries and learn to hold them strong. So I eventually made-up with my parents, and when it was time for my mom to die. I had boundaries and safeguards in place to protect me, and cover me from attack. And I really needed them. because you get a huge family together that isn't on speaking terms, then all grieving and tired. It could be a fiasco. God gave me such grace and peace through all of that time. I was able to not be offended and not to offend, to handle it with love and compassion. My brothers were blown away how calm I was, I know they were just waiting for their 5 year old sister to stomp her feet and want it her way no matter what. To their surprise she never showed up. They came in waiting for a fight and went away shocked. I know what grace is but, never in my life have I gotten to see first hand pure grace. I even am in awe of the entire situation. I had such peace and a sense of calm I was able to handle everything so well.Of course after the funeral, all those who didn't appreciate or want me to make decisions for my mom, all conveniently disappeared when the bill for the funeral showed up. So not only did I get to see grace from them to me, I have had to have abundant grace after for others, but I will send them all Christmas cards that say your gift was our moms funeral. hehehe not really but I think it would be funny. Anyway today is the first day in a while I feel like I can breath, the grief is a little less heavy and hard to bear. But Christmas is coming wayyyyy to soon and that I am not happy about.
But that is for another day.

Have a blessed and grace filled day

Always 

Suszi

15 seconds that rocked my world....

Good Morning friends,

I realize my posts have been irregular and I appreciate all the support and encouragement I get from all of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayer and for speaking life into me.

I would love to say Happy day and I feel better, but I cannot.

But I thought I would start helping you understand my process of things and maybe you will find hope or be able to reflect someday and be encouraged if you are ever in this place.

MY JOURNEY.

Today I want to explain my Journey.

 Many of you have followed me from the start and for that I feel blessed. 

But for every journey there is a time of preparation. Packing, shopping, making lists, weeding out what isn't needed, getting all the documents in place, money saved and getting the proper size luggage.

But it all starts with a desire to go somewhere.

Where did I want to go?

If you have never gone to a travel agent, it is an experience many do not get anymore. Things are so easy now, but to get a ticket you used to have to go to someone who knew what they were doing and even if you didn't really know that person you had to trust that they knew what to do.

First you have to want to go somewhere though..

You don't just get up in the morning and say "Ok, today I will travel" No it is a process.

Somewhere somehow you get a tiny thought or desire to, idea. Ads on TV, Poster, story from a friend etc... Wow that would be a great place to visit.

Something in your mind takes that tiny grain of sand (thought) and works it til 

a pearl of an idea comes out.

Many years ago, I took classes on public speaking, and found joy. (Sand)

But more importantly earlier this year that idea became so strong in my spirit.

God was building experiences for a long time and it just seemed one day I was given a pearl.

The thought and desire I had, one day turned into, the preparation phase of the journey.

I knew God was calling me. There was a moment when I knew it wasn't just my desire anymore but a direct call from God. I would love to be able to tell you how I knew. But it was more like it lodged in my chest and nearly hurt, I wanted to do it so bad, and the more I prayed the stronger it got.

I guess more then not I feel the opposite, when I know I shouldn't do something or have said or done something wrong, and God applies conviction, and you can think of nothing else til you fix what you broke. I HAVE DONE THAT A LOT. I tend to have to learn from my mistakes. A LOT.

So it was that same kind of conviction only in a positive way. It created a longing. But unlike the times when I ran before God in things and fouled them up, I didn't want that. That, I am a master at doing. The business world calls it motivation or being a self starter. Yeah well I am more like a dog smelling meat. I will do whatever it takes to get it. Plow through any obstacle to get to the prize. to hell with the disaster I leave in my wake.

This was different, I KNEW that isn't a lesson I needed to repeat. I am not patient. If I know what needs to do I do it. And that is a admirable quality that is not always a positive thing.

So here is what I did with my pearl. I prayed.

I knew this was different. So I did what I thought was a simple first step.

A little prayer not large and wordy, just this.

God, Take whatever it is in my life, that would come before you. Those things which would puff me up and not glorify You God, please take them out of my life. I want this desire to be all about YOU and nothing of me. Amen

Took me a whole 15 seconds to pray. 

15 seconds that have rocked me to the core of my being. I mean I don't do drugs, or smoke or drink much, computer time, friends ? So what could I have that huge to overcome that I would put before God? Glad you asked.

That was prayed in April about the 15th. And had I known how powerful that prayer was, or how much pain and hurt I would feel, and how much loss I would experience, I would have kept my mouth shut. Gone on like status-quo.  That I have learned is a powerful and dangerous prayer.

Step one was to start writing to you. Start a blog. Who would listen to me? I am awful at editing and writing. What would I talk about? People will always be correcting my grammar and talking about how stupid I am when I try to be funny.  Talk about God? What? I love you God and I will tell others about you, if you want BUT, I am not a scholar, I cannot even spell that. I know nothing of apologetics or sermon structure or eloquence... I don't even know what those are.

(God is prompting me strongly) 

OK OK OK I will just share what is in my heart. 

No one will read it, what if I say something to embarrass my family? 

What if I share about You God and I am wrong?

OK OK OK

I will write the dumb blog. Here we go...

That moment started my journey...

Not a big step, a baby step.

I do Not understand this,but I know I love God and I am His daughter

 and that should count for something. Right?

Then He said through, radio messages, friends, sermons, songs

 and all those ways He uses to speak to us.

DO NOTHING without HIM opening a door. 

DO NOTHING under your own power and it will be blessed.

WHAT sit still? Don't run ahead and take care of things?

 Sound like a story we have heard? Martha and Mary. 

But God's work needs to be done, I got this, 

I'll just take care of a few things and be right back...

What? SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP..

FINE. (pouting)

SITTING and SHUTTING now.

huhmmmphph.

I hate waiting......

I got this....

OK SITTING and SHUTTING....

OK Ok Ok ...

ok......o..k...

Sitting on the step, arms crossed defiantly across my chest, with my head down.

Steam coming out my ears.

And so my journey began.

Be blessed 

Always

Suszi

Beauty for ashes...

Good Morning friends,

I'MMMMM BACCCCKKK

I missed you all and it was almost physically painful that I couldn't write to you.

Thank you for your patience and loyalty.

Whilst I was gone I had a conversation with a friend and it gave me a different perspective on the things I say here. How Satan can use words meant for good to be used to cause harm.

(used with permission)

This is a copy of our conversation.

(Friend)I know you realize I do not follow it anymore. I was. But I started getting angry about it. You would post statuses expressing unhappiness or being sick or troubles and your blog came across all uplifting. I felt conflicted as if you were putting on a front for the blog to be consistent when you were miserable. And it felt wrong to me. It was causing me to allow Satan's anger and ugly in. Then I felt jealous at how well it was doing when my own I could not even work on. See that patterned web Satan spins? So I stopped following to pray about it. And for me and for you. I thought you deserved an explanation. I love you.

(Me) no i am so glad you told me. it is a hard thing to understand but God has given me such peace and joy in such a horrific time in my life. and no it is just me bare and truthful i want people to see who I am and what God is doing in my life so maybe they have hope

im sorry i upset you and i am so glad you told me

(Friend)Satan's lies upset me. Not you:) Thank-you for your grace and forgiveness honey.

I am so glad this person was a good friend and was honest about what her feelings.

I never ever want anything I say to be used for harm.

I know it seems weird also that I have such a joy it just doesn't seem right.

I really wish I could explain to you the enormous amount of hurt and pain I have felt the past 4 months,

but also the enormous amount of peace and joy I get from God. I see how it could look like a exaggeration, or a lie. Believe me I am the most surprised by it myself. 

There was a time earlier this year when I though I had all I could handle, but them 4 people died and my family went through a ton of turmoil, and life got even harder, to the point I wish I could go back to that time and not have had to go through what I have endured since.

I guess when you don't have anything more to give God and you are at your lowest that is where He is.

Because He doesn't need anything from me but me. I have nothing to give Him and nothing to prove.

I am empty. Hurt has made me numb. All I could feel is Joy. Like an old sponge dried up and worthless

and even one drop of water starts bringing it back to life. I love the quote "When you are down to nothing, God is up to something." 

I would love to say that was enough, but I still hurt and feel hollow, I laugh and have joy, but the pain is still there. I struggle everyday. I miss my mom and my friends. I hurt and cry. I feel alone in a crowded room. I have hope because I have Jesus. Laughter is so healing, it is like a warm rain, it feels like it cleanses the soul. It helps with the pain but, doesn't remove it. I don't know when or if I will ever not feel it. I don't have all the answers in life but, I know who does. 

I love the song

Beauty for ashes.

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

When sorrow seems to surround you
When suffering hangs hangs heavy o'er your head
Know that tomorrow brings wholeness and healing
God knows your need, just believe what He said

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

When what you've done keeps you from moving on
When fear wants to make itself at home in your heart
Know that forgiveness brings wholeness and healing
God knows your need just believe what He said

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

I once was lost but God has found me
Though I was bound I've been set free
I've been made righteous in His sight
A display of His splendor all can see

I once was lost but God has found me
Though I was bound I've been set free
I've been made righteous in His sight
A display of His splendor all can see

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

Songwriters
Randy L. Scruggs; John W. Thompson

When my mom went into the hospital this last time, this song played over and over in my head. I had to trust these words, when I had nothing.

I never understood the words until I had to live them. Mourning, fear, despair.

But God promises Strength, peace and gladness.

Yes times are hard but God makes all things possible.

Many times I would post things on my personal page for prayer or encouragement from those close to me, I try to give hope and Jesus here on my blog. It gives me hope to help you find hope. 

I never want to give a wrong impression or cause confusion ever. What I write here is from God. I hurt and He lives. His love is eternal and His grace is boundless.

The past few days have been extra hard for me. No real reason for it but, hard none the less. I am going to sing today and find the joy only He can bring.

Be blessed today.

Always 

Suszi

Heaven is a wonderful place....

Good Morning friends,

Do you ever feel you don't have all the answers?

Or alone in a crowd? Or pain when your smiling?

That is how I feel. I don't know why so many people are dying lately, or the reason for my such deep sorrow. I can barely breath before someone else is gone. There are different kinds of grieving.

In the past I have felt sad when an uncle or aunt died. I cried when Mr. Rogers died. I felt deeper pain when someone young died. I remember in 4th grade, my best friend Brian died, of cancer. I was so sad and hurt and I didn't want to go to his funeral. 

My family talked about death in a positive way. They never said anything negative about it, unless to talk about people not going to heaven if they didn't know Jesus. 

In my youth, someone leaving like that was hard cause I would never see them again. As an adult now I am beginning to understand the longing my mom had for Heaven. I always knew I wanted to go there but I didn't understand why she longed to go there. Now I do, she missed her mom and dad, and after she died was the first time in my life I felt that longing. I want to go there and see Jesus and worship at His feet that is a given. But to go to find those I love that are waiting for me. That is a longing I now understand. 

The things of the earth we have to deal with and the pain and sorrow we feel here, can in no way diminish the pure joy and warmth in heaven.

Do you ever wonder, how do I know i'll end up there? That is where assurance of salvation comes in.

When you know, that you know, there is noting that will separate us from the love of Christ.

Yes we will still cause and feel pain. Yes we still sin. No we aren't perfect. We are flawed. We are promised grace and mercy. I am so glad God shares those gifts with us. I know I don't deserve Heaven, but because of grace and love, I will be there someday. 

That is where I will see my momma and Brian and many others who have gone before us.

It is so exciting to look forward to that day, when I see my saviors face, when he actually holds me in His arms and says I love you. My arms ache for that embrace. And seeing my mom all in white with no oxygen or equipment attached but young and free and whole and perfect is what I cannot wait to see.

I picture her Heavenly mansion being a giant log cabin with a tin roof and a huge porch, next to a small lake where she can skip rocks and have water fights with all the children that are there, she has 4 babies there already. She had 4 miscarriages and the one right before me was nearly full term and was a baby girl, and I know her arms needed to hold my sister, and her other babies.

Even though I know these things the tears still flow so easily. I am not a crier. It takes a lot for me to cry, that is unless I am watching cartoon movies I always cry. (Charlie Brown is the worst). 

I may be like this a long time, but I know God saves every tear in a bottle and loves me and soothes my heart, even though it still feels pain. I know time makes it better but the loss never changes, that longing and excitement are still there, waiting for the day we see each other in Heaven.

When I was little we learned a song.

Heaven is a wonderful place,

Filled with glory and grace.

I wanna see my Saviors face ,

cause Heaven is a wonderful place.

I wanna go there.

That is how I feel today..

I WANNA GO THERE.

Blessings to you all

Always

Suszi

Flawed but faithful....

Good Morning Friends,

We had a sad weekend. Another family friend died and once again another funeral.

We also had to make a change in our house. 

I don't know about you but I don't take change well. I will put things off hoping they work themselves out. So when it get's to a point where change is essential it often can be hard.

I tried to handle it with grace and kindness, but my intentions were not taken the way I had hoped.

It hurts me so bad that people would think I intentionally hurt them. My thinking is that if people really try to know me, know that I never pretend to be anything but real. I love God with my whole heart, and strive to be faithful to Him and His ways. I never profess to be perfect. I have flaws that I will admit, but I would never want anyone to to question my relationship with God. I admit I may not be one of the holiest or most learned, but I strive to be the best person I can be. 

I learned along time ago the difference between conviction and condemnation. Conviction draws us toward God and condemnation pulls us away from God. 

We all need to have things happen in our lives that are growing experiences, we have to go through trials not because God made them, but because He wants to use them to help us grow.

God wants us to learn the easy way, but if you are like me I generally have to do it the hard way.

My many difficult experiences I have had in life have molded me and formed me into His image.

When we are young and life is hard, it is hard to hear God's voice in a matter because voices around us are louder. But with maturity  we learn listen less to people and more to God, then we realize that the circumstances of a situation, although hard and painful, will mature us and bring us closer to Christ. But often is the case we aren't quiet and gracious for this trial that we become like toothpaste, once you squeeze it out of the tube you can't get it back in. We say and do things that when others see them it shows our true character and also makes us not have rose colored glasses on anymore, but reality bright and clear, and it often is not pretty.I just pray for God's grace and favor in all situations, That people who judge me, I am so sorry I am flawed but I am, if I do something wrong I apologize quickly. I don't offend easily and hope I don't offend, but again I am flawed. I work hard to be the person God wants me to be. Sometimes I have to make hard decisions for the greater good of my family, and if you have special needs children you will understand that their needs are for most in our minds. They need care and if something isn't working you try something new. So today we try something new and and strive to have grace and be the example of God that is pleasing not to men but to God, that we might better share His love and peace.

Let us strive to have grace today.

Be blessed.

Always

Suszi

Embracing my trials...

Good Morning friends,

Yesterday in my running around madness it is amazing how God grabs those few seconds to let you hear exactly what He wants.

As I was running kids home cold and crabby, before I left to meet friends for a play at the local theater,

Walk in the Word with Dr. James MacDonald came on the radio. if you want to hear the entire message it is called I shall come forth as gold part 3, on Walkintheword.com . 

James talked about trials and adversity and how to know where God is during those trials.

He said it so well i'm just going to share his words with you.

"Unless I embrace my trial with unwavering submission to God, you will not reap the good, the good doesn't come until I embrace the trial" . "I must confess and live the reality that God is not AWOL, He is in control, He allowed this to happen, I wish it wasn't hard but, we have to embrace that. "Get you focus off the clock and onto the content of what God is trying to teach you." "God is never more present then when His Children are suffering," "If you believe God exists to make you comfortable, He will be absent in your suffering,if you think He exists to make your life run smoothly, you will find God absent when you hit a rocky patch, If you believe God exists to make you happy, you will find God absent when your heart is broken and your tears are flowing. But if you believe God's goal is to make you Holy, then in the midst of the trial around you, you will feel His arms around you. "

So my first question to myself was, Do I feel a void or His embrace? Do I doubt He may not be there or do I feel His presence in control?

I admit I have moments of doubt and deep sadness when hope wanes. for the most part I feel His love and grace working in my life. So as I struggle and watch my dear friends struggle, I often wonder why so much pain come on and hopelessness is felt? I don't understand right now but in so many instances in my life I look back and see the purpose of the trial. 

The trials you may be  experiencing right now, may seem unbearable, but God is there in the midst of it and His glory will prevail. 

When I thought my life was unbearable, and I hated even dealing with things, and the daily things were set aside for the necessary things and I felt overwhelmed and drowning under the weight of it all, He was there.

He never left, I feel His presence in my life so strongly through every trial. Not in any way am I saying I am Holy or know what I  am doing but, I know I feel His presence and love in my life. I am not perfect or anywhere close to it. But I know my salvation and joy are firm. I may not be happy some days  especially lately because if I had my way I would have slept through the last few weeks. Having a purpose helps. Being busy, having friends around and a husband who covers me with prayer and love helps. I think the most important thing is that even when I feel numb, and full of sorrow, He is not just there, He is holding me wrapped in His loving arms weeping with me and comforting my soul. 

What do you need today? He is there. 

Have a blessed day

Always

Suszi