Welcome home to change

Hello My friends,

I am back...to life anew...to a closer walk with God...to change.

It has been nearly a year since I have written to you my dear friends and so much has changed.

I divorced and remarried,got a grand baby, changed friends and churches. Suffered loss and great triumph, seen deep sorrow and exploding joy. 

I guess CHANGE is what it boils down to. Change is not bad or good but can be either, but to me it is very hard. The changes in my life are my decision, but that doesn't make them less hard to handle.

When I was young I would go to my aunts house and marvel at how she never rearranged unlike my mom, and I always thought I would be spontaneous and I am not. As I age I am less liking change. 

But through God it is a new adventure. Allowing Him to take control and move me where He chooses make the change exciting and ALWAYS so much better then anything I would have envisioned. He makes ALL things new. He cares for His children more then we can imagine. Our prayers seem pitiful compared to His glory and grace. When I think about the change in my life it seems so small comparatively. God is so vast and I am but a speck. I don't deserve Him or His glory. Yet He made that speck and loves that speck. He died for it. His grace is sufficient for me. 

This vast desert I stumble through with hopelessness and look for a single drop of rain, I carry a heaviness that causes my feet to fumble. The burden nearly to much to bear. But the second I feel I cannot take one more step under my own power and fall to my knees, My eyes see before me an oasis with Jesus holding our his hand to help me up and take my load, then I drink and feast. While I was thirsty and dirty and tired, I forget I am not able under my own power to sustain myself and all I carry. Only when I fall to my knees do I see it is not my burden to carry. 

God is great and worthy of our praise. Maker of Heaven and earth. All powerful and yet gentle.

Most of all He cares for me!!!

He knows me, all those details and flaws. 

He knows what He created and the purpose for that creation.

We can hide nothing from Him and I laugh thinking WHAT WAS HE THINKING?

But regardless here I am loud, unruly hurt, damaged and alive. 

So Jesus use me despite me!!!

Be Blessed this day

Always 

Suszi

Stepping up to my call

Good morning friends

Today I am taking a step on a new journey.

One I have been planning a long time and waiting for the final confirmation.

Well it is time. 

I spent so many years saying I will go when all my debt is paid, or when I lose 100 pounds, when I have better clothes or my life is all together.

Well guess what NONE of that will be at the same time and I am certain many of those will never happen.

We make excuses to not do what God is calling us to do. 

Most of the reasoning is from a place of fear.

I for one am tired of excuses and fear.

I AM READY...

God is calling me to share hope and to speak life into others.

My story is full of many ups and downs and I have a great story to tell.

I have no idea where God will send me, or even if I know what to do next, 

I just know this is my first step toward His will.

I am supposed to go out and share my story with people,

I don't even know who my target audience is, I assume women but it is in Gods hands alone.

When I started this journey it was the first guideline given that was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

He said "DO NOT make one move toward the end unless I say" ouch.

Instantly I was like you know I can do this? and you want me to what? have patience? for how long?

I don't like to sit and be patient...I am far to busy..lets just get this show on the road....

NO !!!

Sooo like so many times before He had to come down from Heaven and sit me down like an unruly child. I have been to sick and in pain to move, and just when I could get up and move around, rip...a muscle tear,,,SIT DOWN YOUNG LADY!!!!!

So here I sit.

and have sat.....

FINALLY a few weeks ago I got the confirmation I needed and the means and will to begin. 

But as with all journeys it takes one step to start. 

This is that step.

All the other things are in place and bags are packed and I'm ready.

He just has to make a way...

So I guess what I'm saying is if you or your church or group need a speaker I am willing to be a part of your event. 

God called. I listened. I stepped.

Off we go.

Thank you to my loyal readers, all 4 of you

You are what inspires me and encourages me to write about all I write about.

Be blessed and please let me know if I can share my life with you.

Always

Suszi

Going where no fearful person has gone before.

Good Morning Friends,

I am so excited, for things to come, things happening right now and things left behind.

God is opening doors I never thought possible in my life in this small town in MN.

I have these amazing friends, ALL have issues and all love me despite my failings and support me regardless of the situation, The things we leave behind is what is I am most thankful for.

The things I have failed at, or the things that have just ended. Those are the things that teach lessons.

I failed a lot in life, but by the grace of God, I got back up and continued on. Many times to fall again, and up again......

I'm a slow learner. All of the experiences in life are what mold us and help us to become the person we are. I often think about the choices we make, not huge ones but the small things, like turning right instead of left or going to this store instead of that one. Sitting on a park bench instead of keep walking. How often do we miss the opportunities God puts before us..To we stop and ask God which way or where should I go? I try to...most times I'm running on overdrive and forget to ask.

Being faithful in small things prepare us to be faithful in large.

When God calls....It is scary and hard and the most important thing you can do is listen to Him.

He stretches us and pulls us and pushes us in ways to make us who we are, but also to use us miraculously. Being a good person or christian is not all there is to it. Being a listener to God and moving in His will is everything.

Today lets all pray which turn to make, and where He wants us to go..even if we think there isn't time, or we have to much to do. Stop and breathe and listen.

Fear so many times is what hurts us the most.

I only look fearless, hehehe...but fear holds me back. Fear keeps me from so much. So today I am done being afraid. I will walk where He wants me to go, and HE will protect and carry me.

Today is Faith in action. 

Going where no fearful person has gone before.

breathe in and out...in and out.....GO GO GO

God where will you use me today? Use me for your will and purpose..

Give me the words to say, ears to listen, and heart to love..

Help me be Jesus with skin on,

Blessing to you today

Always

Suszi

Change me God, even if it hurts....

Good Morning friends,

I often wonder what people think when they see me.

I know I'm loud and crazy and irreverent.

I know I open my mouth before my brain checks what I'm going to say.

I know I have a lot to work on.

And a longgggg way to go before "I make it"

The Bible says many things about how a woman of God should act.

Then again He made me this way for a reason?

My husband often tells me I need to turn on my filters in my mouth.

I'm sure a lot of what I say is unnecessary.

But like I said God knew that when He created me.

Often with me and God we deal with one issue at a time.

 The issue right now is the fact that somehow I end up talking about myself to much in every conversation. It isn't like I don't want to hear what others say, its more like I may want some semblance of normalcy and try to relate? Or it could be the fact that I was the center of attention my whole life with my family and now I'm not? It is hard to say and I could analyze why forever .When what I really need is to change. So anytime I'm talking now I'm trying to listen and tell myself to ask questions about them and not make a comment about me. I really try no to be narcissistic, but wow 44 years of me.. me... me is a hard habit to break. I want to be less self aware and more aware of what God wants me to speak into others lives. When I was a teenager I went to a conference and it changed me.  I was less bold, not shy but hardly as loud as I am now. The speaker was talking about asking "The hard questions" . I remember thinking and praying that God would use me to be that person.

Well it really wasn't a hard stretch for me to get there, but that day He breathed a boldness into my life, that is often a bit overwhelming. 

I wish sometimes I was mild and proper. But that is NOT who I am, and at this point in my life I accept that and pray God use me despite my failings. 

God is moving me into a greater purpose, to tell people about this God who accepts and loves us despite ourselves.

The thing about our failings and flaws, God knows about them. 

He after all is the one who formed us. He loves us.

What is God trying to work on in your life?

Are you willing to let Him, even if it is painful?

Pray that God will show you and roll up your sleeves and get to work.

Be blessed today 

Always

Suszi

"Happy" Behcet's Day I guess

Good Morning friends,

Today is International Behcet's Awareness Day.

I have been posting a lot of info and appreciate you who have taken the time to learn.

I also have been thinking how to describe my pain to you without whining or complaining.

I in no way want pity nor am I asking for sympathy, my 

goal with today's post is just to give you a taste of my pain and let you walk a step or two in my shoes, if you will.

So just for today I'm going to attempt to explain my illness and how I feel both physically and mentally. 

I'm just going to go from head down.

Head

No less than 1000 tiny blister spots on my scalp

Thinning hair

Occipital Neuralgia (swelling in the back of my head)

Headaches 

constantly - not migraines but Complex headaches which is like 15 different headaches at once, and yes I understand how you feel when you have a migraine, but times that by 100 and you might understand mine (sorry for ranting)

Eyes- 

drain constantly, crust over, feel dry, sore and burn, sores on nerves will lead to blindness, double vision and floaters constantly.

Ears- 

Ulceration sores inside my ears deep cause them to itch and be sore, may cause hearing loss.

Mouth and throat

Loss of vocal strength (sores on vocal chords)

sores in throat

Constant ulceration's on tongue and lips

Tooth pain due to filling constantly falling out.

acne looking sores that are like boils and take weeks to go away.

Chest and abdominal areas and back

Joints are swollen and painful to move (like RA)

skin has sores or boil like sores

Age or brown spots spreading

several sores that will not heal

scars from previous sores

Ripped rotator cuff

sores under breasts stretch marks rip open 

chest pain (constantly watching for blood clots or aneurysms)

Bi-jimney (heart beats out of sync )

abdominal pain (constant like appendix rupture feel)

irritable  bowel like symptoms  

fear of lesions on organs and shutting them down

Lungs (toxic mold poisoning but made worse by disease)

extra weight from medications

vaginal sores (grape sized ulceration's and small lesions)

Anal sores as described above

several organs ie gallbladder, hysterectomy removed 

Spine swelling and pain

Lower body

hips and legs

all joints swollen and painful

Sores all over

 muscle weakness and tears easily

ie, torn Achilles tendon in foot

Knees (weak and swollen)

foot pain (painful to walk)

Mentally and emotionally

Depressed and anxious

exhaustion and chronic fatigue 

Insomnia 

feel alone like no one understands

Frustration because I cannot move like I used to

Anger cause my mind says yes and body says no

Worthless because to clean or cook is nearly impossible

Finishing a task is inevitable

Being active for the kids is rare

Crazy because meds and stress make the symptoms worse

I know I shouldn't get angry when others hurt and  I don't unless they say "I understand how you feel"

unless you have this disease you cannot fathom

Frustration having to choose my activities for the day.

Like a bad friend or family member because there are so many days I can do nothing.

Sad because my mom fought for years to get a diagnosis and i got it finally just after she died.

And sad she isn't here to make me feel better.

I get angry faster due to pain.

I yell and swear cause I'm so frustrated with it all

I hate good days cause I know tomorrow wont be

Brain fog and forgetting, words and dates and names.

Stroke like spells TIA's

This is how I feel just today. I know one thing for sure that God will sustain me, and use me and will someday use my story. I know I have it good compared to others, I am blessed. I know I will be whole and well someday and if that is in Heaven so be it. I know I have an amazing husband and kids that love me and take care of me. I know my momma is with Jesus and that is where she always longed to be. I know I have friends despite their own struggles, uplift and encourage me daily to keep moving ahead, and who take me to er or sit with me at the hospital. Who make fun of me and who make me smile, and forgive when I have to say no and who also say no for me. 

I have so much to be thankful for.

I also pray that whatever struggle you are facing whether it be physical or emotional, God will also sustain you, and use you for His glory.

May Gods grace shine on you today.

I hope this brief glance helps you understand this disease

and helps raise awareness for all the silent diseases,

and when you see someone in a handicapped spot you don't judge, because

every step is hard some days.

Always

Suszi

Behcet's Syndrome Eve

Good Morning friends,

Tomorrow is International Behcet's Day

and I just happen to be able to celebrate this day...yipee

I'm kidding, this disease is horrific.

There isn't one spot on my body that doesn't hurts all the time.

I forget what it was like to be pain free, I think I was 8.

I have spent 35 years trying to figure out what this was, and finally got diagnosed about a year ago.

Some days I'm pretty mobile and others I have to fake it, and many I'm bed ridden.

or in the hospital. 

I am so thankful for the friends I have, they are so understanding and forgiving when I have days when my body says no, or when I should say no and don't and they see the signs and say no for me.

Stress makes it worse, and I live a stressful life. 

The thing I hate the worst is that my symptoms can change on a dime. One minute i"m fine and one minute later I am on my  way to ER. 

Right now I have more bad than good days, but a time is coming when I will overcome this and be pain free. At least that is my prayer. It is so hard to understand how I feel, but I'm grateful I have people who try. 

here is how Mayo defines Behcets.

Behcet's (beh-CHETS) disease, also called Behcet's syndrome, is a rare disorder that causes inflammation in blood vessels throughout your body. The inflammation of Behcet's disease leads to numerous symptoms that may initially seem unrelated. The signs and symptoms of Behcet's disease — which may include mouth sores, eye inflammation, skin rashes and lesions, and genital sores — vary from person to person and may come and go on their own.

The exact cause of Behcet's is unknown, but it may be an autoimmune disorder, which means the body's immune system mistakenly attacks some of its own healthy cells. Both genetic and environmental factors may be responsible for Behcet's disease.

Treatment aims to reduce the signs and symptoms of Behcet's disease and to prevent serious complications, such as blindness.

I wont bore you with more, but if your interested the rest of the article can be read at

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/behcets-disease/basics/symptoms/con-20027549

Thanks for caring enough to read and maybe understand a little.

Wear Blue tomorrow to help support Behcet's Syndrome

Always

Suszi

Heading into the great unknown

Good Morning friends,

I know, I know it has been a long time...sorry I have no excuse.

Let me tell you about my weekend adventures.

I worked which was good, but I also attended a women's day out the local christian radio station put on. WOW was I blessed. I couldn't attend the whole thing because of work so I came and went but it seemed for the sessions I could be there were ordained to be for me..Isn't God amazing? The first session was about beauty, the second was a mother who lost her son 3 weeks ago, and the last was my friend Kim Gravel talking about taking a first step into our destiny. It was so needed as if God himself just came and talked to me. 

God has called me. He has given me a direction and a job to do. and nearly all my bags are packed and I am very ready for the next step of this journey. It just requires a small step forward. a step of faith and courage...a step forward. But, I'm scared..... but I am bigger than my fears, I'm comfortable where I am..But sometimes God needs our discomfort to move us into His path for us. I don't know what is going to happen next......God does and sometimes for our own good we need to trust and let Him have control. THAT is hard for me. 

This particular journey requires NO assistance from me. When God showed me what He required of me, the main thing was to not take a single step unless He ordained it. That is also Hard for me. I am a doer, a grab the bull by the horns and get stuff done kinda person. So to say sit down and shut up until I say go. That is hard for me...really hard. 

IT IS TIME...

Despite my weight, my money situation, my kids, my husband, my job, my life being perfect....Those and a thousand excuses I have, do not work on God.

He says go..go...go. and like a child holding its mamas leg when she is leaving. kicking and screaming... I will release my fears and concerns and GO. 

One step...

and I am stepping...

STEP.....shaking 

STEP.....

I got this..

STEP

Here I go

andddd

STEP...