I Laughed so hard, I had tears running down my leg......

Good morning friends,

Have you ever laughed so hard you pee your pants and can't breath? Or 

so hard you can't talk so you just clap your hands like a retarded seal?

Well let me tell you about yesterday.

My friend Carrie did not have a Facebook, so we set one up for her, her one condition was that she hates it when people talk about their poop on there and she didn't want anyone doing that on her page. Then....she made me her first friend....first mistake!!

I am the type of person who sees that not as a request but as a challenge...poor girl is all I can say. 

Well about that time another friend came in so depressed and upset.

Well i'm not sure how to tell you it started, a small harmless word "POOOOP" on her wall, and then the bandwagon took off. There were 4 people here, 3 of us who instantly got on line and started adding more and more and more, and because she didn't know how to navigate very well on there she was soon in our dust. Anddd the laughter began...we laughed so hard we were beyond breathing, and snorting and not breathing kind of laughing. It actually hurt. Laughing so hard you had to pee and couldn't get up cause you had to and wouldn't make it to the potty. The conversation just kept getting funnier and funnier...

When they say laughter is the best medicine, they were totally telling the truth.

I couldn't feel sorrow at all for the entirety of the day. Twelve hours later just sitting here and we were starting to do it all over again. The smallest little thing would set us off. Like a joy dam got a crack in it, and once it started breaking there was no stopping it. 

It sounded like a room of 6 year old boys, we told every poop joke possible and even made up a few.

It was so healing it is like that spot in my chest that was holding all the sorrow and pain, dissolved and nothing but pure joy replaced it. My mom would have loved it. She loved laughing, and silly humor.

 Psalm 100:1-2

 On your feet now—applaud God! 

Bring a gift of laughter, sing yourselves into his presence.

God even sees it as a form of worship. I think He heals though joy, joy is talked about so many times in the Bible. So if God thinks it is important, we need to do it more.

What makes you laugh? Who brings joy to your soul?

It is also said for every 15 minutes you laugh it adds 2 days to your life. 

So a command from God, Doctor approved, Child safe.

What are you waiting for?

Laugh.

Be blessed today.

Always

Suszi

Joy in the morning...

Good Morning Friends,

So today as I discuss grieving I am laughing at my friend and her ducks.

I love my friends and they make me laugh and that helps so much to heal.

It is still so hard, and yesterday I wondered if I would ever forget how her voice sounded, or her smell, the warmth of her embrace. I can see how many people hang on to every scrap of things that remind yo of that person. I am a sentimental person, but I have to set limits and not obsess. I saved one of her sweaters and just smell it often, but I am not going to preserve it and make a shrine to it. I will have a few things that are special to me, she was an artist and I have several paintings, she quilted and I have many of those, and photos and videos of her. I don't need tons of stuff to remember her. I have my memories and the lessons she taught me, those things that are the legacy of her. She taught me so many things in life but I think her greatest gift to me was her sense of humor, she loved to laugh and play practical jokes, and do wild and crazy things. One of my favorite stories is one time we were at Niagara Falls in the winter, my dad loved the boat rides under the falls, and my mom and I hate water, so we were sitting watching the water, I got cold and she was smoking, so I went in the gift shop, no one was there I had the whole place to my self, until a tour group of Asian people came in, they all stayed together as a group and looked at stuff, so a few minutes later when my mom came in I was across the room from them and instead of her coming to me, she went to the group and got right in the middle of them and started saying "ching bing wannabing dig ding" or some thing to that effect and the entire group turned and looked at me, I just shrugged my shoulders and shook my head, and walked away. She was always doing that stuff. so may things to remember and laugh about.

She also left a legacy spiritually, up until the moment she died she was telling people about Jesus, and being a spiritual mom to so many people. Those are the things that I want of her, her legacy and ideals. 

I want to be that woman, funny, kind, loving unconditionally, telling others about God without fear.

My parents marriage is also a legacy, 58 years, wow I remember when people in my class started being children of divorced families and it seemed rare, now I am the minority having my parents together still. Life was not always wonderful, there were hard time and times when they threatened to leave each other, but they never did. Love that lasted a life time. Vows that were lived, practiced and modeled.

The pain of my loss is hard and daily does wane, and some moments are hard and tears fall freely, pain is there but each day I see more light, and feel joy coming into the darkness. 

Sorrow may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.

Amen.

Have a blessed day.

and thank you all for being so loyal and reading .

Always

Suszi

The story of our love...

Good Morning friends,

Today is a celebration day.

Although each day of grieving is getting easier and will continue to be a journey.

But today we celebrate our Anniversary.

24 years together and about 5 great years hehehe.

We met in April of 1989, and I thought he was a nerd jock. He was a wrestler and a college guy.

I didn't have much interest in him at all. we had mutual friends and often saw each other.

My Senior Prom was the night I first saw him and was for years convinced

 he pinched my butt at a party. I now know differently. But on May 18th the White sidewalls were playing a street dance in Janesville, so I got a bunch of tickets, and only Dave showed up, and low and behold he was dressed the same as me. Ripped, faded, stonewashed Levi 501 jeans and a Hard Rock Cafe shirt. I thought well at least he has taste hehe. We then went to Mankato to Hardees and to his friends house, Then back to Janesville because I had to work at 11, ( I worked an overnight sleeping job) so we went and watched a movie at work and hung out til late. The next day I couldn't get him out of my head, so we drove through Menards parking lot where he was a cart boy, and I saw him but didn't stop because I didn't want to get him in trouble. He said later he thought it was a dream. So we went to his house and decided to clean, as you can imagine a house with 4 guys was pretty nasty, and piles of dishes. so he was so surprised when he got home and I was cleaning. O.K. I should not have let him believe I actually enjoyed doing that but young love causes us to do dumb things. After that day we were together constantly. He then started working inside Menards in the carpet department. So the day I brought him home to meet my mom, she was laying a rug she had just bought down and when he walked in she said "Hey you just sold me this, so come help me lay it" and He is the first guy I ever brought home my dad liked. 10 days after we started dating He told me he loved me. I graduated High school in June and was planning to go to college in Texas for fashion design. So plans were being made about long distance relationships. The week after graduation I went to South Dakota on a trip, so I guess the old adage that says absence makes the heart grow fonder was so true. I decided I couldn't live with out him. So we started talking about marriage shortly after graduation, and one day we were in Burnsville Center and stopped at Goodmans jewelers and I saw a set of rings that were amazing. So we bought them. It took a  few weeks to order and re size them so we just kept quiet about it. I met his family that weekend and was so excited about getting to know them. 

My parents had my uncle and aunt from KY at our house around my dad's birthday that year June 14th, and so we told them all sitting outside under the tree and by the swing I grew up swinging on. My dad cried and needed to cut my toenails (don't ask heheheh). That day started an entire whirlwind of decisions. A date? May of 1990 was set. and then changed to October of 1989. I have planned many weddings and getting one one the scale of mine ready in 3 1/2 months should have been impossible. Not for God. Called about Hall, they had a cancellation, called church, not booked, caterer available. So October it was.

Planning the wedding was amazing. found a dress daddy made me get, one that was  $1,100 and I made my veil. decor was chosen. Flowers ordered, food, craziness abounded. 

The day was beautiful, and so warm, when you plan a fall wedding you expect cool weather so when it got here it was about 80 degrees and with tuxes and velvet dresses, it was a bit over the top, but splendid. It was so fun and exhausting and wonderful.

It has taken us a long time to get to the place where we like each other and love to spend time together.

But as we grow old together, life gets better every day. 

I now cherish our time we have and look back and realize God has always been with us. 

Life looks differently now, last year for 

Dave's birthday my gift to him was a written commitment of my love and devotion, it was a life changing moment in our marriage, something I should have done seriously 24 years ago, but still not to late.

So today marks the day that transformed me into the wife, mother, lover, friend, soul mate to a wonderfully brilliant and flawed man who God knew was perfect for me. I know my many ideas and craziness make him crazy. But he loves me unconditionally regardless of who I am.

I love this man more everyday and intend to spend everyday making him crazy and wonderful.

Next year for our 25th we want to have a renewal of our vows and have it like the original wedding I wanted. Simple and fun. 

I hope you are encouraged in some way that if you feel like you can't take another day in your marriage or the grass looks greener, STOP your thinking and know that tomorrow may be better. 

Have grace and patience, and work on being the kind of wife God intends for you to be.

I also will work on being a better wife, so like my parents married 58 years and Dave's grand parents married 67 years and are still so in love. These examples have given me a road map for the future, and serve as a compass by which to steer by, in the many years Dave and I spend together.

Cross my Heart.

May God bless you today.

Always

Suszi

One step at a time....breath, cry, step...

Good morning friends,

You are probably

 going to get tired of reading about my grief.

And I thought of just going on, but have decided I need this time.

Not so I can stew in self pity, but so if someone out there who is hurting that there is hope, and so I don't cover up my grief and put on a brave face before I am ready.

It is true each day gets better, but yesterday was hard.

My dad decided he wanted my mom's sewing room cleaned out.

I was not ready to do this yet. But He is so...we cleaned.

I also went through nearly every drawer and book and so many things.

My mom told me in the hospital that she wouldn't say goodbye to me.

That she had written me letters and hid them all over her house.

I have yet to find anything. so my mom is either a really good hider or a good lair.

Everyone else thinks she is a lair, but I have hope, my dad had seen her writing letters a few days before.

 I want to think it is true, but I guess I will never know.

But I did have a hard time, that is like her sacred area. It went fine til I found her wedding rings and the ring my daddy gave her for their anniversary a few years ago.

My mom was creative, she sewed and crocheted and painted. 

So I brought it home, and added it to my ever over flowing home, that is about to hemorrhage at the seems.

Also, I opened my eyes enough to realize Ian was grieving as much as I was. He was just showing it differently. I am trying to be patient and soft but it is so hard. It hurts. I cry at night most of the nights. and every day it isn't as much as I go day to day.

Today is a new day, I will go on.

step by step one at a time.

Thank God for friends who sit and call and encourage me, quietly and lovingly.

Thank you dear faithful readers for patience as I journey this dark place.

It gives me comfort knowing you are all there. 

Be blessed today 

Always 

Suszi

Grief cycles....words from Momma....

Good morning friends,

I thought I would share where I am.

This grief cycle was most fitting for me.

While looking for this I found the poem above, and it gave me peace.

I would first like to say Thank you to those friends who are praying for me and those who have just sat and let me cry or sleep and just were here for me.

I have spent the last 2 days in bed, mostly because of lack of sleep. but also out of depression, I am sure.

I spend most of the night crying, so my sleep cycle was messed up.

Dave stayed home yesterday and was just here for me, he is an amazing man.

I am right at the bottom of this cycle. Lonely and hurting and so sad, feeling sorry for myself, and total lack of wanting to do anything. This morning I finally feel it lifting a bit. I truly hope it is short lived.

But I will bear it and go on. I am to tired and hurting to pray it seems but, I have talked to God anyway, and I just sit on His lap. He knows my heart, and I am so glad cause it feels so dark right now. I feel so many overwhelming emotions, it is hard to know what to feel. 

Loneliness (missing momma), anger (at the cigarettes), sadness (for my daddy), Relief (her suffering is over), Upset (my brothers arnt reaching out to me, but then neither am I), Thankful (for amazing friends and church family) short tempered (grrr) overwhelmed (life must go on) and peace (knowing God has this in control)

and also thankful for  you all my faithful readers, I want to send you hope and to write to you and it gives me something to look forward too.

Thank you for being on this journey with me and for all your encouragement.

I am trying to plan things for months to come, a cookie exchange, Thanksgiving, Christmas, so I can go ahead and I will.

I hate crying and I am angry it doesn't burn calories cause I would weigh 90 pounds right now.

Today I will be slow, and I suppose I should bathe, and comb my hair. Or my friends wont come help or be with me. My friends are here for a few days to organize and help me clean. To go with me to daddy's.

Going to hug my kids close today.

Please keep my family in your prayers today,

and as always be blessed today.

Always

Suszi

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

Good morning friends,

I know it has seemed like so long, I am so sorry.

The past few weeks have left me in a place of despair, and sadness. 

Last week I was at History Fest, one of the best weeks of my year.

I wasn't in charge this year and I got to paint faces thousands of them.

That helped some but reality has sunk in again. I don't feel like writing, or any of those things, but as I force myself back to reality and life it is getting easier. I have never felt such overwhelming sadness before.

I have had and felt loss in my life, and dealt with death before. This time is harder.

It was so nice at the funeral to be around so many people and family.

But as often it goes, people have to go back to life and reality.

So for me sadness has set in, and weariness. I have let my body take all it can take.

Now I have to rest, and that requires life to stop which it cannot. 

I am so thankful for those friends who come, and just sit. That no words need be said, just here.

I sleep a ton, and life is going on. I really have no obligations, so that helps, except it gives me nothing to look forward too. So I guess it is time to " Get over it" as my mom would say often.

I have joy in all the amazing things that happened during the time at the hospital, and I will share them soon.

Having you friends out there, also brings peace to my soul.

I don't understand why my family grieves the way they do, by pulling 

away, but life must go on. 

So today, I take a step, one step toward happiness.

Not letting despair overtake me.

The Joy of the Lord is my strength.

Thank you for being patient in this hard time of my life.

always

Suszi

A long Journey began...

Good Morning friends,

Sorry it has been so long, since I have written.

The past week was so full of bitter sweet time with my family.

I will tell you all about it in time to come. Today I just want you to know that

because of the grace of God, I made it through this entire time of my momma dying with such a peace and grace. I got to spend many precious moments with my mom before she died, it was so special. 

My mom was always so funny, and she carried that humor all through her dying. She always had a way of making everything fun. The one thing my mom did do was unashamedly told people of her faith until her last breath. She had such courage and strength. Her wish was to have her children around her. I have 3 brothers and many foster kids and many adopted brothers, and she had everyone there. My brother Jeff flew from Australia and made it in time for her to say she loved him. 

My daddy was so strong also, and glad to see her not suffering anymore. 

I am still numb from the whole thing and exhausted but that too in time will pass. But I cherish each moment I had with her. One thing this showed me though is the people who are my true friends. Those people who dropped everything to help or feed or clean or hug. I never once had to worry about feeding my kids, or my house being clean for guests, or someone to call. I cannot even express the amount of gratitude I feel. I saw my church family in action, and they are all amazing. I am most thankful for those who just sit with me, not saying anything but just being here, quiet strength and support. I find peace just knowing they are here and it helps so much. Even those hurting in their own lives, set that aside to care for my family and me. 

 In days to come I will share this tremendous journey with you and how I saw God work in so many lives.

And please continue to pray for my family especially my daddy as he makes decisions for the future.

Thank you all  so much.

Blessings to you all

always,

Suszi