Good Morning friends,
I want to share something that has happened recently that I may have touched briefly on before but now I can actually write about it without crying or feeling pain.
Brokenness.
The past few months have been the most painful of my life. I have never hurt more or cried more, or prayed more or asked why? more.
You see I have a brother on drugs. He has been an addict most of his life.
I love him just as much as the other two, but I learned a LONG time ago, I am not my brothers keeper.
I love him and will help him when he needs me. BUT I will not play games, or listen to his sob story or stoop to his level of thinking.And I no longer am responsible for his happiness. He made his bed a long time ago and now he lies in it alone.
Well that being said, about a month ago or so, somehow he got my parents to believe his lies, about me and truthfully I still don't understand what all happened or what parts are true, or lies. All I do know is what I felt and what I could see for myself.
So my parents called me and said "Come over so we can discuss, YOUR issues" OK, well I didn't think I had any but whatever, my family is odd so or maybe I didn't hear that right. Anyway, when I went there a few days later I was screamed at and accused of many hurtful things, and verbally assaulted, It was like an intervention of my wrongs. Well I know I have faults and downfalls and frankly my bothers opinion of me is not something I base any part of my life on. BUT my parents sat in silence while this was happening and when they spoke it was what sounded negative response towards me.
I was accused mostly of being abusive to my kids and to my mother when she lived with me for almost 3 years.
Ok a verbal attack I can handle, but when you attack the 2 things I hold most dear being a mother and a wife and being a good daughter. I take offence.
In retrospect I had been praying for God to make me a broken person.
What I mean by that is, I want to be someone who doesn't feel like they have to please God by works or what they do on earth, but their heart is so broken by the world you have nothing to give God but all you have. You see doing good works don't cut it. Going to church every week don't cut it. Reading the Bible and praying don't cut it. So now your saying well doesn't God want us to do those things? YES He does and please continue to do them. My point is if you are a broken being, you have to totally stand in HIM and not yourself. You have NOTHING to give Him. Because truly we can be the kindest person and generous and loving, but that isn't what He wants of us. He wants us, His child, who when we fall and get hurt, He can put us on His lap and say "It is going to be ok". Have you seen a child who wants your attention and will do anything to get it, grab tons of toys and try to get on your lap, or push other kids out of the way to get there, or grab you when your on the phone and cooking and want you? That is just annoying. But when your child is hurt and needs your love and attention and needs you to kiss all their hurts away, you stop and sit and grab them close and comfort them. THAT is precious and broken. We come hurting and have nothing to prove.
We already have His attention, but he wants those moments when your sobbing and are alone and scared, to be your daddy.
It is so hard to get on His lap with, your family and your kids and your jobs at church and your favorite charity, and your "Look at me"s, HE wants YOU, ONLY YOU. and sometimes broken is the only way you will stop putting your family before him or anything, and Yes I said your ministry or your church work. He loves that you do those things to further the Kingdom, BUT all he truly wants and craves is you.
Once a brokenness occurs it HURTS. That is why it is broken. When we have nothing left to give, we have hit the bottom on life. and all we want is acceptance and love. That is when He reaches and you gladly come to him craving that attention, and after He holds you and soothes your wounds and kisses them better, we feel like and are made a better person from having that part of us be broken. Because We weren't trying to please Him. We were just being with Him, alone, naked and exposed. THAT is where He wants us, SO when He does need us to help at church and it is to clean the bathroom, but we should be doing something so much more important and having a look at me attitude or to tell the homeless man hello or your friend that "It will be ok" or your kids 'NO' or someone else He loves you.
You are saying it out of that brokenness, in love and meekness and not because the Bible says to do it, or the pastor says to do it, or this book or that sermon says to do it. But because in our brokenness we have found compassion and the "Fathers" heart. We no longer try to crawl on his lap with everything and put those things first, like our family our job our ministry, but put HIM first. AND NOTHING ELSE.
He can use brokenness, He cannot use pride and loyalty, and puffed upness. (Yes that is a word)
HE WANTS YOU!!!
So don't pray for brokenness unless you are prepared for pain. When I put my family before God, He wanted my full attention and they were taking so much life out of me I had little to give Him. Now I give Him all I have and HE gives me all I need to deal with my family and life. Brokenness changes you into a mold-able and flexible vessel for HIS glory NOT yours.
Be blessed today.
Remember if you pray of rain, you get mud.
Always
Suszi
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