Pie, only good if eaten in your hand

Good Morning friends,

Honoring my mom today again, and everyone loved the stories, so I will continue. I swear I could fill volumes of books with her stories .

She often told a story of back in their drinking days beforeI was born. My dad was spending too much time ice fishing at his fish house and she was pregnant and had 2 little boys at home. She asked him to stop but he didn't, so she got in their car and drove onto the ice and as she said "Pushed him off his "ICE ' hole" all the way across the lake. He didn't fish much after that, probably because there wasn't to much left of the ice house. 

My parents stopped drinking before I was born so when they talk of those days it seems like different people. 

How they met is a miracle too. My mom was barely 14 and had graduated from 8th grade, high school was optional then and rarely done, most kids had to go work to help the family. My mom had gone to Columbus, OH. to work with her older sister in her cafe. On one of her first days there my dad came in and asked for a piece of pie. so she got him one and handed it to him without a plate. he looked at her and laughed and said "Can I have a plate?" She said "No, pie is not good unless you can eat it without a plate." Love was born.

My dad had come to Columbus after he returned to Minnesota from Korea, and he had someone who wanted to marry him and he didn't want that so he packed a bag and went to friends there in Columbus, this part is different with each telling hehe so details are sketchy, but regardless he went to Ohio. The day he walked into the diner and met my mom, it must have been love at first sight. Mom then found out dad was dating one of her friends, so the would go on double dates and my dad started holding her hand with his arm around her friend. I'm sure it took only a date or two before the friend was out of the picture. My dad asked my mom to marry him, so they went back to her family home in KY,for permission and for my grandpa to marry them. When they arrived on Flint Branch my dad had never been there and wondered why they all seemed mad and were caring guns. My Grandpa said he wouldn't marry them and my mom said he had to, insinuating she was pregnant, (which she wasn't) He was so angry and mom and daddy drove with Lula and Noah to town to the courthouse to get the licence (which cost about $. 25 ) and the court clerk said to my grandpa "Mr. Puckett you can sign here." Well, my dad was taken aback he said "Why does your dad need to sign, your 18 aren't you?" My Grandma said "No, she is 14!!" Well my mom being as quick witted turned to my dad and said 'Do you love me any less then you did 5 minutes ago?" He said "Well no". Then lets get married. They returned to the house and had a wedding on the front lawn of their home, Grandpa said he couldn't marry them in the church, because he thought she was pregnant. The day was July 7 , 1956 and my mom was 14 and my dad was 23. (his birthday is the 14th of July he turned 24) 

This year would be their 58th anniversary. 

My mom didn't have a child til 4 years later. 

After they were married they lived in an apartment building just for newlyweds. They wanted out of their lease and the landlady was not easy to deal with. The only reason they could get out was to be pregnant. Well it worked they were out of the lease because she was "pregnant" again. my mom ran into the landlady about a year later and the lady asked what kind of baby they had. Mom said "Oh, a girl we named her Sue".

Needless to say I wasn't born for another 13 years. I told her the only reason she named me Sue was because she had a guilty conscience for lying about it. In the next few years my parents moved to Mn to my dads families area, and settled in Janesville, where they later had Jeff, Jim and John and me 7 years after John.

Be blessed 

Always

Suszi

socks of soot

                                                  Good morning friends,
Today I am going to tell you more about my momma. She was raised in Kentucky in a 2 room cabin, no electric or running water until she was older. She is the 11th of 13 children. She lived way back in the woods up a holler, Flint Branch. Her mother never raised her voice or spanked them, but somehow they knew she meant business
She has told of many adventures her and her siblings had. My mom suffered horrible allergic reaction to poison ivy and as you can imagine that didn't work well for the environment she lived in. Once a year an old Indian (native American) would come out of the hills, he was a healer. My grandma Lula asked him about this problem, he told her to gather poison ivy during a certain time and boil it and have my mom drink the tincture. She did and my mom remembers tasting it and it was horrid but she drank, and never had a reaction again, and neither have I. She said he also had cures for cancer and other things of that nature, but one day he never came back. My mom loved the woods, she would spend whole days out hunting mushrooms or blackberries. She said she felt close to God there and could talk to Him. I only went with her a few times because I don't like the outdoors as much, but am blessed I got to be with her. She has mysteries in her childhood. Her younger brother Noah Jr. or Junior as he was called got cancer in his eye when he was about 8 or so and my mom was 12, their mom and dad had to take him to Columbus Ohio for surgery and treatment and were gone for well over a month and left my mom under the care of her sister who was older but also a heavy drinker. So my mom had to watch her baby sister PUDGE 6ish and her cousins Jimmy and Larry Flint and Ted Flint her nephew. They ran out of food quickly and started going to the neighbor and they wouldn't help. She said she remembers very little of that time and actually blocked most of it out of her memory. She did remember however when her dad got home, he was the preacher at the church at the head of the holler, He stood and let his fury fly to the congregation about not helping his children and turning them away. How they amened him Sunday morning but couldn't feed his kids. She said never again did they ever have to worry again about what to eat. The same brother with the cancer now had a new shiny glass eye that he could pop out and show people, also nearly got his head chopped off, they were playing near the wood pile, and an ax was setting there and she dared him to do something brave, (she did that a lot) and he fell and his neck landed on the ax. Her father gathered him up holding the artery got on a mule and rode the 2 miles to town holding him, and they saved him. My grand parents prayed. My mom loved to play jokes on people. Once she got soot out of the chimney and filled her dads black socks for Sunday with it. They had regular foot washings each Sunday and him being the Preacher was the first to take off his socks, we he turned red in the face at seeing his feet and just said in a slow southern drawl, "My children have been up to mischief again" and looked at my mom. She was a trouble maker. Sunday's after church all the men folk would go to their house for dinner and then go in the yard where they would kneel to pray. well they had just gotten a new goat and it liked to buck, so she waited for just the moment and as they knelt she released the goat. She said that was one of the rare times she was spanked but it was so worth it. Her name is another unique thing about her. When she was born her mom was out of names and didn't put one on her birth certificate, so her grandpa said we have to call her something. Her eyes were sparkling and hair so white it looked blue, so he started calling her Blue. Well the name stuck and even though they finally chose a name when she was 6 months old, Beatrice, Blue was all she was ever called. Her middle name was Faye and that is how it was spelled on everything, and on the day of her funeral I was looking in her Bible and found her birth certificate with the name portion stapled on with her new name, but her middle name was not spelled Faye it was Fae. Fae is another name for Fairy and if you know us at all we do all things fairy at our house so to us it was just one more way of explaining to us why she was the way she was. We were very blessed to have this amazing person as our mother and though we have had to get over a lot in therapy hehehe she always had a story to tell, a song to sing or a joke to play.

                                                                  Be blessed
                                                                         Always
                                                                          Suszi

All I am or hope to be....

Good morning friends,

Today is ever closer to the anniversary of my mom's death.
I never thought I would or could make it without her.
But she raised strong children.
She was an amazing woman, everyone who knew her loved her.
As I remember things about her, I get fresh perspective on life.
She loved to tell stories, make jokes and have fun.
Life at our house was not always great, but rarely boring.
She was also my greatest fan. She encouraged me and helped me find the creativity that was inside me.
School was hard for me, I had dyslexia and anxiety and I was way more social than academic. But she never go mad at my grades, she just said "That is not what makes you who you are, and if you are a good person on the inside that is all that matters" She fought along side of me for years as doctors couldn't figure out my diagnosis and actually her death was so horrific to me it made me so sick, doctors were able to finally figure it out. There isn't a day that goes by I don't miss her. My heart aches so badly for her voice and warm hugs.
I also know I could never wish her back from the place she longed to be the most. Heaven.
Nearly daily and more, she would say "I just want to go home" my sister in law wrote a song for her funeral about it. She missed her mother and father, sisters and brothers. Most of all she wanted to sit at the feet of Jesus. She was never afraid to tell people about Jesus and right up to her dying breath she did just that.
Now she is "HOME". as badly as my heart aches for her, I could never even think of taking back to earth.
She was the glue in our family and now we are all spread out and disjointed,  others have also stolen so much life from our family. I long for the day we are reunited with her all together. She is with my sister, who died just before she conceived me, still born in an era of just take it away and deal with it. Now so much is put into those precious moments after births like this. She always felt a hole, the baby wasn't named there wasn't a funeral or anything, just a broken mothers heart. I am so glad that has changed.  My mom was unique in every way, she was always creating, and gomming as she would say. Not a great house keeper, and as a cook it was questionable, literally you had to question anything she put before you. But there was never a lack of love and laughter. My favorite quote is by Abe Lincoln "All I am or every hope to be, I owe to my angel mother" and that is so true. I am going to talk more about her in coming days, her life and death. the mantle she bore and passed on. For those who knew Blue Ryan, my hope is you will remember the joy and spirituality she shared and also do that in your life,

                                                               Be blessed
                                                                     Always
                                                                          Suszi

Coming back.....HE IS GOD

Good Morning friends,

I know it has been so long since I have blogged and I am sorry.

I felt as though all I was doing was whining and complaining.

It has taken me a while to come to grips with my new life.

I guess the hardest part for me emotionally is the hopelessness you feel.

How you feel it is pointless to be alive. Not that I have that choice.

There HAS to be a reason for this pain. 

I am so tired of hearing, "I understand, because _______".

I cannot explain to you in mere words the pain I feel, physically, mentally and spiritually.

I hate not being a part of life. I hate feeling left out cause you know I won't come anyway.

I hate not feeling vital. 

Those of you who know me personally, know I am not a sit down person.

Yet, here I sit.

I miss life, miss friends and Independence.

I plan little, and always over do it.

I wish so badly to make others understand, to be an advocate, to teach.

No one seems to take the time to try, to understand.

Knowing people think you are faking or seeking attention is ridiculous.

I am capable of gaining attention in a positive way, with out the help of this damn disease.

I know others mean well, with their advice, about eating , exercises, life.....

But until you try to understand what this is, how can you advise?

I wear a spoon. A spoon for courage, strength and hope.

A reminder that my joints might not always hurt, That my toes that are swollen, wont always be, that my tongue that has constant sores may not hurt forever.

I stand on the verse

I know God is near, I know He heals, I know He wants wellness. I don't understand why?

But I stand firm knowing HE IS GOD.

When I wake and cannot move.HE IS GOD.

When my body goes numb and tingly, HE IS GOD.

When my toes and fingers swell, HE IS GOD.

When my mind is dark and brooding, HE IS GOD

When hopelessness abounds HE IS GOD

When my spoons are gone, HE IS GOD

When I worry if today may not turn into tomorrow

HE IS GOD

When I cannot pray, because there are no words HE IS GOD

When others need me, and I wonder how can I help them. HE IS GOD.

When I see joy on a child's face, HE IS GOD.

When my husband prays for my pain, HE IS GOD

when my child learns to understand why I cannot, HE IS GOD.

When I can't, HE IS GOD.

All I know in this life that is certain or true, that is a certainty, that is without question is...

HE IS GOD.

Be blessed today 

and thank you for encouraging me back Nan

Always

Suszi

Love: Not a feeling, but a choice .

Good Morning friends,

I have had Marriage on my mind a lot lately. So may reasons to think about it...We have been together 25 years this year, friends marriages hurting, new weddings being planned, the entire gambit of marriage situations.
There have been thousands of books written on the topic but only one is needed

Ephesians 5:25-28
Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.

In today's society it is unbelievable to be married a long time. I remember I was in high school before I met anyone with divorced parents. Now I am a rarity having been married 25 years. I had several good examples of marriage my parents who were married 58 years, and Dave's grandparents who have been married 67 years. I look at both of those marriages and see one thing very clear, they served one another. They give their all to one another. We as a generation are like spoiled children, we want it our way, or no way. They are even thinking of doing a temporary marriage certificate some place I heard. What is the point.
A friend asked me how many years I had been married, I told her 25 but 8 have been good but not in succession. Which is so true. Society wants it fast, perfect and effortless. Well those are things marriage will never be. It is hard, frustrating and painful. But worth every minute. I would love to say we have been together 25 wonderful years, but nope. So how do you change your spouse? you don't. You need to remember the one you fell in love with. That young person with a life time of adventure ahead. Our adventure was nothing like I envisioned. I was pregnant when we got married so it was never really just the 2 of us. and shortly after I gave birth I hurt my knees and ended up having 7 surgeries and spent nearly 3 years in a wheel chair or bed ridden. We learned a lot about the better or worse then. Dave was amazing he did things taking care of me and a child that most men would have walked away from. We had a few really rough times, and once I left him, I said I would only come back if he did this whole list of things. I thought well I guess were done cause he won't do half of that...NOPE he did them all and then some. We have lasted through many struggles and changes. We were super young when we married I was 18 and Dave was 21. Just babies, stupid and immature. Baggage a LOT of baggage came with us to. So much it took years to unpack and go through. Recently I heard a story of a woman who couldn't;t look at her husband at their wedding during the vows, ouch I did the same thing and never understand why, well it is because I had given a huge part of myself away to other guys, and when I found "Mr. Right" it was to late. Despite the very hard and rocky parts of our marriage there were also great times. Precious times. Times I wouldn't trade of anything. Both the good and the bad make us who we are. I was not the person I am today at 18 and neither was Dave.  we are better people.. Oh I am not saying we don't have issues cause we do. I'm saying were in it for the long haul. There comes a point in marriage that the "love" we felt seems gone. That is a moment of truth for many couples. That is the point many breakup. That is the point you have to decide I choose to love that person, I chose Him//her forever. There are days (weeks) where we can't stand the other person, but They are ours, and for better or worse we vowed to make it. I am not the easiest person to be with, I am selfish, demanding, particular and crazy. But I love my husband and oddly enough he still loves me after all this time.
That statement right there is what keeps me going. He loves me when I am unlovable, and stubborn. He is my best friend and I am so lucky I have him, even though he makes me crazy most days. For all the trials just the past year would have broken many marriages and has stretched ours to the limit, but bent is NOT broken and we are dedicated to straightening out, not because we "Love" each other but because God loves us. God ordained our marriage, God alone holds us together. We never pray together enough or barely see each other enough, we can't sleep in the same bed and life at our house is no where in the same universe calm and easy. Dave is here and most days I am too. Being together even when we don't like each other much. Sharing the chaos and craziness and figuring out our lives with sickness and pain, he is faithful because we know God is faithful. Dave and I cannot fix anything. GOD CAN. He will and we will once again adapt and go on. I could never make it alone but I don't have to. Dave and I take a day at a time, sometimes only a moment. God being the main reason and sometimes the only reason were together. We are stronger through Him. When God put a crazy Irish Hillbilly together with a reserved Norwegian and said" it is good" I know He had a smirk on His face.

Be blessed and remember not matter what phase of marriage you are in, put GOD first.

Always
Suszi

Rose colored glasses?

Good Morning friends,

SUMMER HAS BEGUN.

I LOVE having all my kids home and no schedule to keep. BUT

I am afraid the carefree days I hoped for are not so anymore.

My daughter has a Genetic abnormality and as she regresses it worsens. Her actions, mouth, attitude,

Have you ever known anyone with Alzheimer's? Well this is like that. They get fixated on a certain emotion and can't stop. EVER.  Frustration abounds at our house. The newest thing is she acts up when Dave gets home so he will yell at me. So most evenings at our house are chaos and stressful. This was all pretty tolerable until my symptoms got worse. Now I have to care for all this not feeling well, exhausted and frustrated.

I have to constantly give it to God. 

What I really want this summer is peace. To bearable to put flowers on my deck, and sit in a hammock but neither of those will happen now. Because getting the deck fixed cost a lot. oh well sorry for that pity party.

Anyway I guess coming to grips with my pain and Chrissy's illness and getting my house purged and my life in control, is the spot I am in. Today I don't like what I see. 

Today I think I will put on rose colored glasses and go on. Does anyone know what that means? 

Sorry for the frustration of today's post, Sleep eluded me, dreams haunted me, kids disobeyed me, coffee pot died, instant just doesn't cut it, and I can't find a job to work from my chair. So I will just have to put on my big girl pants and get over this. Please pray for us today.I need a bunch of  peace this day.

Thank you for being loyal readers, thought the ups and the downs. 

May you be blessed beyond measure.

Always 

Suszi

Susan ; Means Full of Grace.

Good Morning friends.

I know I talk a LOT about Grace. Maybe because my name means; Full of grace. As a child I thought it was something to do with how clumsy I was. I can walk into an empty room with one tiny rock on the floor and trip over that thing. Not the most graceful person ever. One thing I do strive to be is gracious. I have been reading "The ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning. I have read it several times so far and find something new every time it is so full of powerful lessons. The main theme of the book is Grace. Last night I was laying in bed thinking how best to illustrate grace. I am a visual person. The thing that came to mind was my daughter Helena, she played soccer for several seasons, I don't think they ever won more than 2 games total. That is the first place I saw where they gave everyone a trophy at the end of the season. "WHAT? What is wrong with these people? Don't they know they aren't teaching our kids anything? You don't get awards for being bad! You have to EARN the reward. Stupidest thing I ever heard of. " That was how I felt about it. Ok so I am a little over the top.
As I lay there last night I thought of that instance. We are those soccer players, We don't get judged by our wins/losses ratio or our MVP status. We are rewarded just for the sake of the reward, just for being there. "Well What will that crap teach our kids?" Grace. Grace is not earned, yet rewarded. Grace cannot be bought, borrowed or stolen, it is not deserved, but have it we do. Why? because WE SHOWED UP.
God in His mercy, gives it as a gift. No strings attached. It isn't like we have to explain to God what is in our hearts, He knows what we are thinking, doing and feeling. He created us. Our little minds have a hard time grasping how God is so much bigger then us and is all knowing. We may have skeletons in our closets, but God knows they are there. He built the closet, for goodness sakes. He knows EVERYTHING. We can't hide from Him. We don't deserve Him, But we GET Him. We have forgiveness, we have grace, we have unmerited favor. Grace is unmerited. I am a loud, tell it like it is, lay it all out and pick up the pieces later kind of person. I talk before I speak. I am bossy and manipulative and spoiled. I want my way and guess what? GOD KNOWS THAT. He knows my thoughts, my actions, my reactions. That is what grace is to me. The fact that I am who I am and it doesn't matter to Him. The more flawed we are the easier it is to understand grace. People who have nothing to give Him, have an easier time coming to Him, because they have nothing to prove. The "righteous" have a harder time. Those who "know" God, feel like they need to prove something to Him. That we need to "Get to the next level " in our Christian walk, so we what? Gain importance? Have a higher standing in church? Have a good reputation? What really matters to Him? That we love Him!
That we love others! that we understand we ARE sinners. But he loves us all the same, Mother Theresa and Marilyn Manson. We are ALL His children. And we ALL get that Grace. It is boundless. It comes with no strings attached. It is FREE. It is right here. Stop beating yourself up over pleasing Him. Just come to Him flaws and all and He will be right there with arms open wide. Have you ever hugged a very smelly person? You maybe gagging and holding your breath, but you hug them anyway? God does just that. Smelly, dirty, sinful. Wraps His arm's around us and squeezes. Just as we are. It is quite simple really. Hug Back! Absorb His grace, and you then can learn to hand out medals to those around us, And ourselves. To accept them, even when we know we don't deserve them.

Be blessed today and full of grace.

Always
Suszi