One step at a time....breath, cry, step...

Good morning friends,

You are probably

 going to get tired of reading about my grief.

And I thought of just going on, but have decided I need this time.

Not so I can stew in self pity, but so if someone out there who is hurting that there is hope, and so I don't cover up my grief and put on a brave face before I am ready.

It is true each day gets better, but yesterday was hard.

My dad decided he wanted my mom's sewing room cleaned out.

I was not ready to do this yet. But He is so...we cleaned.

I also went through nearly every drawer and book and so many things.

My mom told me in the hospital that she wouldn't say goodbye to me.

That she had written me letters and hid them all over her house.

I have yet to find anything. so my mom is either a really good hider or a good lair.

Everyone else thinks she is a lair, but I have hope, my dad had seen her writing letters a few days before.

 I want to think it is true, but I guess I will never know.

But I did have a hard time, that is like her sacred area. It went fine til I found her wedding rings and the ring my daddy gave her for their anniversary a few years ago.

My mom was creative, she sewed and crocheted and painted. 

So I brought it home, and added it to my ever over flowing home, that is about to hemorrhage at the seems.

Also, I opened my eyes enough to realize Ian was grieving as much as I was. He was just showing it differently. I am trying to be patient and soft but it is so hard. It hurts. I cry at night most of the nights. and every day it isn't as much as I go day to day.

Today is a new day, I will go on.

step by step one at a time.

Thank God for friends who sit and call and encourage me, quietly and lovingly.

Thank you dear faithful readers for patience as I journey this dark place.

It gives me comfort knowing you are all there. 

Be blessed today 

Always 

Suszi

Grief cycles....words from Momma....

Good morning friends,

I thought I would share where I am.

This grief cycle was most fitting for me.

While looking for this I found the poem above, and it gave me peace.

I would first like to say Thank you to those friends who are praying for me and those who have just sat and let me cry or sleep and just were here for me.

I have spent the last 2 days in bed, mostly because of lack of sleep. but also out of depression, I am sure.

I spend most of the night crying, so my sleep cycle was messed up.

Dave stayed home yesterday and was just here for me, he is an amazing man.

I am right at the bottom of this cycle. Lonely and hurting and so sad, feeling sorry for myself, and total lack of wanting to do anything. This morning I finally feel it lifting a bit. I truly hope it is short lived.

But I will bear it and go on. I am to tired and hurting to pray it seems but, I have talked to God anyway, and I just sit on His lap. He knows my heart, and I am so glad cause it feels so dark right now. I feel so many overwhelming emotions, it is hard to know what to feel. 

Loneliness (missing momma), anger (at the cigarettes), sadness (for my daddy), Relief (her suffering is over), Upset (my brothers arnt reaching out to me, but then neither am I), Thankful (for amazing friends and church family) short tempered (grrr) overwhelmed (life must go on) and peace (knowing God has this in control)

and also thankful for  you all my faithful readers, I want to send you hope and to write to you and it gives me something to look forward too.

Thank you for being on this journey with me and for all your encouragement.

I am trying to plan things for months to come, a cookie exchange, Thanksgiving, Christmas, so I can go ahead and I will.

I hate crying and I am angry it doesn't burn calories cause I would weigh 90 pounds right now.

Today I will be slow, and I suppose I should bathe, and comb my hair. Or my friends wont come help or be with me. My friends are here for a few days to organize and help me clean. To go with me to daddy's.

Going to hug my kids close today.

Please keep my family in your prayers today,

and as always be blessed today.

Always

Suszi

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

Good morning friends,

I know it has seemed like so long, I am so sorry.

The past few weeks have left me in a place of despair, and sadness. 

Last week I was at History Fest, one of the best weeks of my year.

I wasn't in charge this year and I got to paint faces thousands of them.

That helped some but reality has sunk in again. I don't feel like writing, or any of those things, but as I force myself back to reality and life it is getting easier. I have never felt such overwhelming sadness before.

I have had and felt loss in my life, and dealt with death before. This time is harder.

It was so nice at the funeral to be around so many people and family.

But as often it goes, people have to go back to life and reality.

So for me sadness has set in, and weariness. I have let my body take all it can take.

Now I have to rest, and that requires life to stop which it cannot. 

I am so thankful for those friends who come, and just sit. That no words need be said, just here.

I sleep a ton, and life is going on. I really have no obligations, so that helps, except it gives me nothing to look forward too. So I guess it is time to " Get over it" as my mom would say often.

I have joy in all the amazing things that happened during the time at the hospital, and I will share them soon.

Having you friends out there, also brings peace to my soul.

I don't understand why my family grieves the way they do, by pulling 

away, but life must go on. 

So today, I take a step, one step toward happiness.

Not letting despair overtake me.

The Joy of the Lord is my strength.

Thank you for being patient in this hard time of my life.

always

Suszi

A long Journey began...

Good Morning friends,

Sorry it has been so long, since I have written.

The past week was so full of bitter sweet time with my family.

I will tell you all about it in time to come. Today I just want you to know that

because of the grace of God, I made it through this entire time of my momma dying with such a peace and grace. I got to spend many precious moments with my mom before she died, it was so special. 

My mom was always so funny, and she carried that humor all through her dying. She always had a way of making everything fun. The one thing my mom did do was unashamedly told people of her faith until her last breath. She had such courage and strength. Her wish was to have her children around her. I have 3 brothers and many foster kids and many adopted brothers, and she had everyone there. My brother Jeff flew from Australia and made it in time for her to say she loved him. 

My daddy was so strong also, and glad to see her not suffering anymore. 

I am still numb from the whole thing and exhausted but that too in time will pass. But I cherish each moment I had with her. One thing this showed me though is the people who are my true friends. Those people who dropped everything to help or feed or clean or hug. I never once had to worry about feeding my kids, or my house being clean for guests, or someone to call. I cannot even express the amount of gratitude I feel. I saw my church family in action, and they are all amazing. I am most thankful for those who just sit with me, not saying anything but just being here, quiet strength and support. I find peace just knowing they are here and it helps so much. Even those hurting in their own lives, set that aside to care for my family and me. 

 In days to come I will share this tremendous journey with you and how I saw God work in so many lives.

And please continue to pray for my family especially my daddy as he makes decisions for the future.

Thank you all  so much.

Blessings to you all

always,

Suszi

Loud and long and clear....

Good morning friends,

Do you ever get a song in your head? A silly song?

I have had "I love to laugh" from

Mary Poppins.

It is contagious.

Laughter is so healing. 

I used to laugh so much but lately it has seemed farther between.

But now the people in my life make me laugh those deep belly laughs.

Years ago I had a mental breakdown, from a very stressful job.

I was inconsolable it was a dark time for me. Then I decided to to watch "Who's line is it Anyway"

That show saved my life. We laughed so hard. 

Psalm 89:15

King James Version (KJV)

15 Blessed is the people that know the joyful sound: they shall walk, O Lord, in the light of thy countenance.

There are so many places and verses that talk about joy. It gives us strength, frees our heart, sets us alight.

My thought is that if God is so deliberate about putting it in His word, maybe He wants us happy.

I know God laughs and has a sense of humor.

Why else would he give a old, crazy Irish-hillbilly, a hot blooded Latino boy with endless energy?

I know God was in His Glory, saying "Hey, lets give him to Suszi, that'll be funny" 

I love that boy with such deepness as if I bore him myself.

Joy and laughter are so important. I have an odd sense of humor and often find things funny that others don't. Like when people fall or trip, not that I want them hurt but, it is funny.

Happiness is a choice. If you are depressed and sad, you have to make an effort to laugh but it is worth it. Find friends who laugh, it is so helpful. Pray for joy, dance a silly dance, play and have fun. I think as adults we forget to play and have fun, and be silly. We think we have to be mature and grown up.

I often am irreverent, and I try not to be but once in a while when something tickles me, I cannot hold it in.

So find something to laugh about today.

Pray to bring that joy into your heart.

If you need to laugh, laugh at me, I am quite certain you can find something funny.

Like the fact that I am trying to write this about laughter, and my child is being so nerve racking, and the tv kids are singing off key, and I am now out of coffee (my 2nd cup) in my cup. It is a 3 cup day I believe.

God I need a TON of that JOY today.

Be blessed

Always

Suszi

LET IT GO...

Good morning friends,

Today I write with pride. I have written about Kelsey before.

But today is a bit different. 

I am so proud of her, she is getting asked to help professional photographers, and to do weddings, and advertise her work because it stands out.

As her mentor that is an amazing feeling.

Then I realized something.

I am a photographer too. Why is it I am not jealous. 

I am just so excited for her.

Then God showed me, When you mentor someone you want the very best for them.

Like any ministry, you need to work yourself out of a job.

To be happy for the one you helped. 

There can be no jealousy or bad feelings, because you have given your whole heart into it.

But I can see where people would get jealous or have hard feelings.

Like recently me and Kelsey were at a family function and my nephew who is a professional photographer, and he asked Kelsey to help him at a wedding, I was so excited for her, then it dawned on me, hey why didn't he ask you? I was so proud and happy it didn't matter. Although I gave him a hard time for asking her in front of me. hehehe

But my thought is that, how many times to we hold onto things so hard, or want something so bad, that when someone else gets it your jealous and you get angry?

I guess it shocked me that I didn't feel those things, just joy and pride.

FINALLY I GOT SOMETHING RIGHT. YAHOOO

I believe God will bless that. 

And I feel such freedom, wow, if I did feel those things, I would be in bondage.

How many times do we do that?

Hold on so tight to things, that we can't be be happy for others.

What are you hanging onto that you need to let go of? 

Pain, pride, perfectionism, ministry, friends, family.

Can you let it go? Do you want to?

When I was at the doctor getting Chrissy's diagnosis, and the Doctor told us that "Early demise" was eminent. That moment was amazing, I felt panic start to grip my heart, and it felt like God stopped time and spoke to me. He said "You have a choice right now."

"You can either live in fear, panic ridden, in bondage.

Or you can Let me have this"

It felt like hours in that second of time.

I told the Doctor "I guess I'll give that to God."

Immediately the fear left, and the Doctor nearly fell off her chair.

She didn't think she would get that response I guess.

But I just let it go. Walked out of there in peace.

I still feel that peace. Although I know it will happen someday, I live in peace,

Sometimes I am afraid to go in to her room in the morning, but I pray and go.

God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of peace and love and a sound mind.

Go in peace today, love your kids, LET GO.

Always

Suszi

Inspiration from the past...

Good morning friends,

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the Mercy seat.

So until I understand it better I am going to lighten up a bit.

When I was in 7th grade, I went to a private school, I remember a few things about that year, I got red cords and a sweater for school, oh and a perm like an afro. We went that year to AZ for a few months during the school year. And I fell in love and had my first kiss.

Another thing I remember so clearly was Wendy Darge and her project she made.

It was a diorama. Had a river and tree's and grass it was so amazing. I remember how excited I was I wanted to make something like that. It stirred something in me. 

Inspired me, it only took about 30 years for me to do it right. I have helped make cool things with my kids for school, but once I discovered Fairy houses, I knew I had fulfilled that passion.

I usually just make the houses or furniture, but this time I made the entire landscape.

I love this stuff. The size is amazing, and there are no rules because they are fairies, they can be any size. 

I use all stuff I find, outside at thrift stores, garbage, tons of stuff, so I guess in a way I am upcycling.

Maybe that will make Dave happier about me having big bins of building materials.

He is so funny cause he grumbles about the stuff, but once in a while against his better judgement, he will bring me something for my houses, he is so sweet.

I am so thankful he lets me craft to my hearts content. (If I clean up after)

My craft room is nearly done being reorganized and it is so easy to work in now.

I don't know if anyone will buy my houses, but I hope so, I enjoy the imagination part of it.

Deciding What they will do there and how they will live. It is so fun, almost an escape, to a different place. 

My very best friend was JoAnna and it is so amazing how God works. I was sitting here thinking about her (Her name now is Faith) and she messaged me to say she was praying for me, and sent me to a song on youtube here is the link 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPO3meEuU24

about holding on to His promises. 

Thank you Faith.

It is so amazing how good God is, He uplifts us and cares for us from every side.

Thank you for being a lifelong friend who prays for us.

So be blessed today and watch this video and be blessed.

Find something you love and explore it today.

Always

Suszi

Here are a few photo's of my fairy house, I just made.

Photos by Kelsey Millican Photography.