Blood moon and letting go.....

Moonlit nights.

As fairies dance in pure delight

The blood moon rises high

when dreams they come 

in scattered time and crazier then some

Nature alive, in the brightness that looms

a welcome gift as days become shorter.

For Autumn is here at last, at last

the pumpkins grow and corn shutters

mischief is made, as children's hearts soar

as ghosts come out to play.

with treats and tricks, and pixie gifts

we revel in leaves and warm fires

and family held close, and joy that is rich

and hot summer days long forgotten.

by Suszi

Good Morning friends,

Today is bitter sweet for me.

History Fest starts and goes on all week.

My life for the past 8 or 9 years has revolved around this week of the year.

Last year I took a sabatical because my moms health was getting worse.

She needed me more. This year it is my health, that is worse. I love the event but there also comes a point when you have to let go. I actually love going out just to visit and see people and not have the stress to deal with. But I put my heart and soul into making it what it is, but I guess it is Gods way of saying stop. I know those who are doing it are capable and are doing a great job. It is just hard.

I wrote the poem above about the moon, last night was a blood moon and a lunar eclipse. I slept through it.

But many who saw we amazed. and pictures of it are amazing. I remember being a child about 8, living in Arizona, my dad and I were driving home across the desert valley and the moon was so huge and looked like it was right above us literally and it was totally blood red. I was in awe. My dad started talking about the end times and Christ's return and it scared me . I remember thinking i'll never have babies, or live. or marry.

Well even though the Bible describes that event and events to come, that was not the night. and that was almost 40 years ago. I now see the red moon and think wow I do hope time is near the end. I long for Heaven, for loved ones long gone, or never met, but to worship at the feet of the Savior most of all.

I always feel lacking here on earth. I should read more, worship stronger, pray harder. I know God knows my heart and when I am at the lowest most times a simple "Jesus, help" is all I can muster. One thing through

all the ups and downs in life that is certain is my faith, I maynot understand what the heck God is doing, but I know HE IS DOING SOMETHING. As tired as I am, and as frusterated as I become, I know His love never fails. This journey I am on that is my life, so very long ago went off the map, directions and plans made, that I just had to let go and trust. Like a child hanging from a branch and you are saying let go, but you can barely reach them, but await with your arms open, they need only to release and be saved, but our humanity is hard to fight, your safe if you hold the branch, but letting go and the uncertainty of falling we cannot comprehend. your arms hurt from hanging and trying to hold onto what is tangible. But letting go your brain cannot react to blind faith, knowing you will be safe. God often wants us to just let go, of a job, relationship, hobby, church, family etc. in order to be safe in His arms. To fully inderstand His will and intentions. If we hold to tight to things, He doesnt have room to move, if we let go and trust, He moves and changes and rewards obedience. The next thing in life doesn't mean you failed the last thing, it just means time is over there and you gotta move on down the road. Into His will and His plan and NOT OURS.

Blind faith, let go. release from what your holding so tightly to, change is NOT failure.

Let Him move.

Be blessed today.

Always

Suszi

Farting and warheads....

Good Morning friends.

I was thinking about my mom and yes she was wonderful, BUT she also did crazy, beyond words sometimes. For my 6th birthday I was given a bloody deer leg, cause earlier that day, when it was hanging in the tree it scared me. So what does she do? traumatize me more. One time we went to Niagara Falls in the winter, Neither me nor my mother, liked water, such a strange place to go in that situation, but my dad loved it. Well being winter, not many people were there. I went into the gift shop and was no one there. My mom was out smoking as usual. So I wandered about looking at all the tchotchkes and weird little things to buy. An entire group of Asian tourists entered, and unlike us who divide and conquer. they saw me and I nodded back to also acknowledge they were there and went on perusing the wares. A little later my mom came in, I saw her but didn't do anything but make eye contact, without missing a beat, she walked to the group and wiggled her way into the middle of the group, and proceeded to talk Asianesk, Hong-ching-ding-ramma-lamma-ding-dong. The entire group instead of looking or walking away they in unison turned to look at me. I held up my hands without a word, shrugged and VERY quickly made my exit. She then came out  laughing her head off, I was so embarrassed. Another time I took her and my aunt to WalMart. Thank God it was in Kentucky and a very small store on a very slow day. They both got some clothes and entered the changing rooms and proceeded to yell to one another "Hey you got any paper in yer toilet?" The attendant, turned and looked at me and once again shrugging and walking away quickly.She was also very proud of the fact that she could fart on command. Well for us very embarrassing, but for her very proud moments. She could fart an entire isle at a store and it would echo. She would in church and shake her head and point at someone else.If she thought it would make a loud sound or would make someone grossed out she farted. When she got older the doctors realized she did have a defect that caused that. and he suggested she get that fixed. She was offended, why would he want to fix one of her best talents. Another thing she loved doing was sitting in malls or crowed areas and talking to people and she always said it was so interesting to learn about other peoples lives. Well when they came out with War heads a super sour candy that looked like bubblegum. She would sit down and start a conversation with a stranger and slowly worked up a rapport and asked them if they would like a piece of gum and hand them a Warhead. Needless to say you could hear her laughing all down the corridor, as the person looked like she poisoned them. That and many more episodes peppered my life, now after therapy I can finally look back and laugh at many of these situations. 

And now as my children grow I many times have to stop myself from doing the crazy things in the fashion of my mother. Poor kids.

Be blessed today.

Always

Suszi

Faith and onion sandwichs..

                                    Good Morning friends,
                              Well I couldn't write Friday sorry, first all my emotions were to close to the surface, being the anniversary of my moms death. And also because I have this disease that is horrid, and this new cold snap has been bad to deal with.  
                                                   Today is the first time in a very long time, emotionally I feel like me. Silly and energetic. We have been making some changes in our life lately and God is really in them. I also think talking about my mom has helped so much. She left such a gap in my life when she left. She also is the reason I am as strong as I am. Every aspect of my life her voice is heard, giving advice or wisdom or correction, but the best thing she did was encourage me spiritually. I learned my faith through her and her example. She never wavered. So many times in my life I have seen miracles and wonders just because she refused to give up that faith even for a second. When I was 8 we moved to Arizona. My dad worked and everything but my parents also sent 3 kids to private school and I'm sure the cost was tough. As a result I remember eating a ton of Twinkies and day old bread. Which is the reason I can not even gag a Twinkie down today. One time I remember we were making supper and there was NO food in our house whatsoever. She told us to set the table and I remember asking her Why? and she said "God supplies all our needs, and He will now too." so we set the table and sat down and held hands and prayed. "Our most gracious and loving Father, we know you will supply our every need,we are your children and know you will never let us go without. We love you and honor your name. Amen" She somehow just knew how to reach up and touch the heart of God. Suddenly there was a knock on our door. We ran to the door and there were groceries spread all over our porch, bags and bags. The funny thing is the way our house was set. you couldn't get away fast enough without being seen. No one was there. My mom instantly gave glory to God and my faith that day was so solidified, so I never doubted He was there and would supply all our needs according to His riches in glory. Another time I was about 13 and it was winter, my brothers were all gone from home now, just me and mom and dad. That was when my dad had his first heart attack. No money coming in, cold. well I remember us snuggling up to the fireplace,  eating onion sandwiches. They were so good. Mom and I had the best time, no TV, just her and I cutting wood, roasting onions on the fire, making the best sandwiches, telling stories and sleeping on the floor on pallet of blankets in front of the fire. Such a great memory for me. Not until just a few years ago did it strike me, and I asked her why we did that, that she told me we had no heat or electricity they were shut off and all our food had gone bad in the fridge and freezer, what we didn't eat earlier. so bread and onions were all that were left. She took a bad situation that could have been bad and turned it into one of my favorite memories. That is the kind of person she was. I often wish I could call her and seek advice or hear her voice. Most times a story or a memory Will emerge, and her Godly wisdom will set me straight. She wasn't always spiritual she always said, "Don't be so Heavenly minded, that your no earthly good". She had a very funny side and a life was never dull. Ill be telling more stories and sharing about her and her life in time to come. Until then,
                                                                Have a blessed day
                                                                             Always
                                                                          Suszi
                                                                             

Pie, only good if eaten in your hand

Good Morning friends,

Honoring my mom today again, and everyone loved the stories, so I will continue. I swear I could fill volumes of books with her stories .

She often told a story of back in their drinking days beforeI was born. My dad was spending too much time ice fishing at his fish house and she was pregnant and had 2 little boys at home. She asked him to stop but he didn't, so she got in their car and drove onto the ice and as she said "Pushed him off his "ICE ' hole" all the way across the lake. He didn't fish much after that, probably because there wasn't to much left of the ice house. 

My parents stopped drinking before I was born so when they talk of those days it seems like different people. 

How they met is a miracle too. My mom was barely 14 and had graduated from 8th grade, high school was optional then and rarely done, most kids had to go work to help the family. My mom had gone to Columbus, OH. to work with her older sister in her cafe. On one of her first days there my dad came in and asked for a piece of pie. so she got him one and handed it to him without a plate. he looked at her and laughed and said "Can I have a plate?" She said "No, pie is not good unless you can eat it without a plate." Love was born.

My dad had come to Columbus after he returned to Minnesota from Korea, and he had someone who wanted to marry him and he didn't want that so he packed a bag and went to friends there in Columbus, this part is different with each telling hehe so details are sketchy, but regardless he went to Ohio. The day he walked into the diner and met my mom, it must have been love at first sight. Mom then found out dad was dating one of her friends, so the would go on double dates and my dad started holding her hand with his arm around her friend. I'm sure it took only a date or two before the friend was out of the picture. My dad asked my mom to marry him, so they went back to her family home in KY,for permission and for my grandpa to marry them. When they arrived on Flint Branch my dad had never been there and wondered why they all seemed mad and were caring guns. My Grandpa said he wouldn't marry them and my mom said he had to, insinuating she was pregnant, (which she wasn't) He was so angry and mom and daddy drove with Lula and Noah to town to the courthouse to get the licence (which cost about $. 25 ) and the court clerk said to my grandpa "Mr. Puckett you can sign here." Well, my dad was taken aback he said "Why does your dad need to sign, your 18 aren't you?" My Grandma said "No, she is 14!!" Well my mom being as quick witted turned to my dad and said 'Do you love me any less then you did 5 minutes ago?" He said "Well no". Then lets get married. They returned to the house and had a wedding on the front lawn of their home, Grandpa said he couldn't marry them in the church, because he thought she was pregnant. The day was July 7 , 1956 and my mom was 14 and my dad was 23. (his birthday is the 14th of July he turned 24) 

This year would be their 58th anniversary. 

My mom didn't have a child til 4 years later. 

After they were married they lived in an apartment building just for newlyweds. They wanted out of their lease and the landlady was not easy to deal with. The only reason they could get out was to be pregnant. Well it worked they were out of the lease because she was "pregnant" again. my mom ran into the landlady about a year later and the lady asked what kind of baby they had. Mom said "Oh, a girl we named her Sue".

Needless to say I wasn't born for another 13 years. I told her the only reason she named me Sue was because she had a guilty conscience for lying about it. In the next few years my parents moved to Mn to my dads families area, and settled in Janesville, where they later had Jeff, Jim and John and me 7 years after John.

Be blessed 

Always

Suszi

socks of soot

                                                  Good morning friends,
Today I am going to tell you more about my momma. She was raised in Kentucky in a 2 room cabin, no electric or running water until she was older. She is the 11th of 13 children. She lived way back in the woods up a holler, Flint Branch. Her mother never raised her voice or spanked them, but somehow they knew she meant business
She has told of many adventures her and her siblings had. My mom suffered horrible allergic reaction to poison ivy and as you can imagine that didn't work well for the environment she lived in. Once a year an old Indian (native American) would come out of the hills, he was a healer. My grandma Lula asked him about this problem, he told her to gather poison ivy during a certain time and boil it and have my mom drink the tincture. She did and my mom remembers tasting it and it was horrid but she drank, and never had a reaction again, and neither have I. She said he also had cures for cancer and other things of that nature, but one day he never came back. My mom loved the woods, she would spend whole days out hunting mushrooms or blackberries. She said she felt close to God there and could talk to Him. I only went with her a few times because I don't like the outdoors as much, but am blessed I got to be with her. She has mysteries in her childhood. Her younger brother Noah Jr. or Junior as he was called got cancer in his eye when he was about 8 or so and my mom was 12, their mom and dad had to take him to Columbus Ohio for surgery and treatment and were gone for well over a month and left my mom under the care of her sister who was older but also a heavy drinker. So my mom had to watch her baby sister PUDGE 6ish and her cousins Jimmy and Larry Flint and Ted Flint her nephew. They ran out of food quickly and started going to the neighbor and they wouldn't help. She said she remembers very little of that time and actually blocked most of it out of her memory. She did remember however when her dad got home, he was the preacher at the church at the head of the holler, He stood and let his fury fly to the congregation about not helping his children and turning them away. How they amened him Sunday morning but couldn't feed his kids. She said never again did they ever have to worry again about what to eat. The same brother with the cancer now had a new shiny glass eye that he could pop out and show people, also nearly got his head chopped off, they were playing near the wood pile, and an ax was setting there and she dared him to do something brave, (she did that a lot) and he fell and his neck landed on the ax. Her father gathered him up holding the artery got on a mule and rode the 2 miles to town holding him, and they saved him. My grand parents prayed. My mom loved to play jokes on people. Once she got soot out of the chimney and filled her dads black socks for Sunday with it. They had regular foot washings each Sunday and him being the Preacher was the first to take off his socks, we he turned red in the face at seeing his feet and just said in a slow southern drawl, "My children have been up to mischief again" and looked at my mom. She was a trouble maker. Sunday's after church all the men folk would go to their house for dinner and then go in the yard where they would kneel to pray. well they had just gotten a new goat and it liked to buck, so she waited for just the moment and as they knelt she released the goat. She said that was one of the rare times she was spanked but it was so worth it. Her name is another unique thing about her. When she was born her mom was out of names and didn't put one on her birth certificate, so her grandpa said we have to call her something. Her eyes were sparkling and hair so white it looked blue, so he started calling her Blue. Well the name stuck and even though they finally chose a name when she was 6 months old, Beatrice, Blue was all she was ever called. Her middle name was Faye and that is how it was spelled on everything, and on the day of her funeral I was looking in her Bible and found her birth certificate with the name portion stapled on with her new name, but her middle name was not spelled Faye it was Fae. Fae is another name for Fairy and if you know us at all we do all things fairy at our house so to us it was just one more way of explaining to us why she was the way she was. We were very blessed to have this amazing person as our mother and though we have had to get over a lot in therapy hehehe she always had a story to tell, a song to sing or a joke to play.

                                                                  Be blessed
                                                                         Always
                                                                          Suszi

All I am or hope to be....

Good morning friends,

Today is ever closer to the anniversary of my mom's death.
I never thought I would or could make it without her.
But she raised strong children.
She was an amazing woman, everyone who knew her loved her.
As I remember things about her, I get fresh perspective on life.
She loved to tell stories, make jokes and have fun.
Life at our house was not always great, but rarely boring.
She was also my greatest fan. She encouraged me and helped me find the creativity that was inside me.
School was hard for me, I had dyslexia and anxiety and I was way more social than academic. But she never go mad at my grades, she just said "That is not what makes you who you are, and if you are a good person on the inside that is all that matters" She fought along side of me for years as doctors couldn't figure out my diagnosis and actually her death was so horrific to me it made me so sick, doctors were able to finally figure it out. There isn't a day that goes by I don't miss her. My heart aches so badly for her voice and warm hugs.
I also know I could never wish her back from the place she longed to be the most. Heaven.
Nearly daily and more, she would say "I just want to go home" my sister in law wrote a song for her funeral about it. She missed her mother and father, sisters and brothers. Most of all she wanted to sit at the feet of Jesus. She was never afraid to tell people about Jesus and right up to her dying breath she did just that.
Now she is "HOME". as badly as my heart aches for her, I could never even think of taking back to earth.
She was the glue in our family and now we are all spread out and disjointed,  others have also stolen so much life from our family. I long for the day we are reunited with her all together. She is with my sister, who died just before she conceived me, still born in an era of just take it away and deal with it. Now so much is put into those precious moments after births like this. She always felt a hole, the baby wasn't named there wasn't a funeral or anything, just a broken mothers heart. I am so glad that has changed.  My mom was unique in every way, she was always creating, and gomming as she would say. Not a great house keeper, and as a cook it was questionable, literally you had to question anything she put before you. But there was never a lack of love and laughter. My favorite quote is by Abe Lincoln "All I am or every hope to be, I owe to my angel mother" and that is so true. I am going to talk more about her in coming days, her life and death. the mantle she bore and passed on. For those who knew Blue Ryan, my hope is you will remember the joy and spirituality she shared and also do that in your life,

                                                               Be blessed
                                                                     Always
                                                                          Suszi

Coming back.....HE IS GOD

Good Morning friends,

I know it has been so long since I have blogged and I am sorry.

I felt as though all I was doing was whining and complaining.

It has taken me a while to come to grips with my new life.

I guess the hardest part for me emotionally is the hopelessness you feel.

How you feel it is pointless to be alive. Not that I have that choice.

There HAS to be a reason for this pain. 

I am so tired of hearing, "I understand, because _______".

I cannot explain to you in mere words the pain I feel, physically, mentally and spiritually.

I hate not being a part of life. I hate feeling left out cause you know I won't come anyway.

I hate not feeling vital. 

Those of you who know me personally, know I am not a sit down person.

Yet, here I sit.

I miss life, miss friends and Independence.

I plan little, and always over do it.

I wish so badly to make others understand, to be an advocate, to teach.

No one seems to take the time to try, to understand.

Knowing people think you are faking or seeking attention is ridiculous.

I am capable of gaining attention in a positive way, with out the help of this damn disease.

I know others mean well, with their advice, about eating , exercises, life.....

But until you try to understand what this is, how can you advise?

I wear a spoon. A spoon for courage, strength and hope.

A reminder that my joints might not always hurt, That my toes that are swollen, wont always be, that my tongue that has constant sores may not hurt forever.

I stand on the verse

I know God is near, I know He heals, I know He wants wellness. I don't understand why?

But I stand firm knowing HE IS GOD.

When I wake and cannot move.HE IS GOD.

When my body goes numb and tingly, HE IS GOD.

When my toes and fingers swell, HE IS GOD.

When my mind is dark and brooding, HE IS GOD

When hopelessness abounds HE IS GOD

When my spoons are gone, HE IS GOD

When I worry if today may not turn into tomorrow

HE IS GOD

When I cannot pray, because there are no words HE IS GOD

When others need me, and I wonder how can I help them. HE IS GOD.

When I see joy on a child's face, HE IS GOD.

When my husband prays for my pain, HE IS GOD

when my child learns to understand why I cannot, HE IS GOD.

When I can't, HE IS GOD.

All I know in this life that is certain or true, that is a certainty, that is without question is...

HE IS GOD.

Be blessed today 

and thank you for encouraging me back Nan

Always

Suszi