Fears of failure as a parent

Good Morning dear mothers and friends,

I love this top post card

 "Hey lets let the children ride with giant dangerous animals that can eat them!"

Today on the way home from taking Ian to school, it really hit me how large the fear I have,

I'm not prone to fear but there is one thing that I think I am constantly afraid of.

And that is forgetting something my kids need. Not a fear like meeting their needs like food or normal living stuff, but stuff like it is a special day at school and I wasn't paying attention to the notes that came home so I sent you in clothes when it was PJ day kinda fear. Today was ride your bike to school day, and Ian didn't want to ride because it is kinda rainy here, but I am always fearful of forgetting the things that are important to him. ie. the birthday party fail last week. 

I think the fear comes from my mom forgetting or not being informed about what I needed, and I went to school at least 30 minutes from home anywhere we lived, because I went to private school. So there were many times I didn't have proper shoes for a basketball game or cold lunch for a field trip, the wrong clothes on special dress up days. My mother was wonderful and amazing but Not a morning person. Therefore prone to not thinking that early. I'm not really sure why I have this fear because I try to be vigilant in paying attention, BUT I am not organized and sometimes miss things in the craziness that our life is. I am not afraid of disappointing my kids as far as getting a new toy, or joining the best team, or enrolling them in sports or activities like dance or swim lessons when we can't afford it just to be like the Jones. But it is just a little nagging fear that I won't be the best mom or that  I will disappoint them as a mother. AND I do . AND I will. And I know there is no perfection as a parent, but just a lot of guessing and hoping they won't be damaged beyond repair as adults, due to my crappy parenting skills. I thank God that He did equip me with a love for children and a desire to have them and for giving me the ones He did. Even if at this moment my Chrissy won't stop making clicking noises with her tongue so I can write this and it is making me crazy, because I have told her at least 10 times to stop in the last 15 minutes. BLAHHHHHH.

Ok so now the yelling and crying  has begun. Another day in paradise at the Grudem home. Some days there is just not enough medication to get through mornings like this. And I am sure as time goes on and she regresses more and more it will get worse but I pray for patience and more patience and more patience so I can make through just a few more minutes today. 

So hug your kids today even if you don't like them much.

And be the best parent you can, despite your fears and frustrations.

Have a happy and joyous day.

Suszi

Welcome my friends to the crazy and exciting world of chaos and excitement. You never know what will happen from one minute to the next and each day is a whole new adventure.

This week being the week before Mothers Day I thought I would talk about mothers. And it takes a special kind of person to raise boys. That is why today I am going to talk about my Mother-in-law (MIL).

You might be thinking oh this is gonna be typical. Doesn't everyone hate their MIL's? 

WELL I DO NOT. I have an amazing MIL. And because of that she raised an amazing son.

When I first met Judy I was so nervous. These were city folks and I was out of my element. I wanted to make a good impression especially since I believe on our first visit we were announcing our engagement.

But it took about 10 seconds to realize she was my kind of people. She was crafty and industrious, creative and kind and loving. I didn't have fears for long we laughed and looked at baby pictures of Dave.

Over the years almost 24 at this point, I have come to admire Judy so much. She is the mother of 3 boys and 1 girl. (just like my family) But she is also the mother of an adopted daughter and a disabled son. They adopted my sister-in-law when my Husband was 5 from Kentucky of all places. and their youngest child Jeff was born with severe mental and physical disabilities. I have watched how she treated these children and it became an inspiration to me but little did  I know it would also be a learning experience for me, because I would go through similar circumstances. Her example in dealing with so many things and having gone through so many of these things her advice is priceless. Another thing I love is that her and I are also dealing with aging parents at the same time and she is a vast trove of knowledge. Judy is such a generous and giving to our family, which brings me to her being Grammy JUJU. What a terrific grandma does she make. Our daughter was her first grandbaby and gave her the moniker JUJU and now everyone follows suit. Because of her generosity my children have had many experiences I couldn't give them. She always makes sure they have what they need and then some, needless to say she spoils them rotten and gives in to nearly every whim just as it should be.

But what I truly admire is her as a person, she is calm and patient and sweet.

And whether she is your MIL, Mom, daughter, Auntie, sister or friend, you are blessed to have her as part of your life.

Happy Mothers Day JUJU

Have a blessed day and call your MIL and tell her you appreciate her today.

Suszi

GOOD MORNING!!! 

So today being a new day, my guilt of yesterday as an epic fail as a mother has waned some.

So onto another day of motherhood. Last night our family and my cousin A and her family went out to a restaurant that doesn't serve food out of a bag or on a tray, so you can imagine my delight! For a moment at least!! Most people take their kids out in public all the time, NOT US! We have to pick and choose our destinations and gauge it as a viable option depending on the amount of help that goes with us. We were feeling brave last night. Most kids can sit and color on their menus and be calm and quiet, NOT MINE. they colored then C. proceeded to break all the crayons into a thousand pieces and impulsively color her entire menu and neither has an indoor voice. SO you can imagine the fun we had, and also the ordering loudly and spilling mustard all over our shirt, pants and face and hands, complaining there are no pickles then that they aren't the right kind of pickle, and then that the dill pickles were sweet when they weren't. Oh then more mustard. And Ian not wanting to sit by me then only wanting to sit by me and having to rearrange everyone. Then the food took forever literally it was awful and everyone was cranky and all in all it was a wonderful time really. I love spending time with my family and friends and especially if I don't have to cook. And before I left to go to supper some friends came and got some junk out of my garage and insisted on paying me, so I didn't have to cook or pay. AMAZING!!! It truly was a great time we laughed and shared food and enjoyed ourselves. AND I would do it all again. Sometimes you just have to step out and take a risk and to heck with the consequences or the bother we are to those around us. And after I apologized to the people around us as we were leaving I decided I may just do that again.

Do you ever do things out of your comfort zone and take a risk? Maybe you should and love someone today or take a mom friend who only gets to eat out a bag with a yellow M on it to lunch with real people in a real restaurant. Be a blessing to someone today.

Be blessed

Suszi 

Good morning friends,

As I write today it is with a sad heart. When Ian and I were looking at the calendar this morning counting the days til our trip, he asked "When is Carters birthday party?" and yep you guessed it. it was yesterday. His first invite to a friend party and I BLEW IT. So a broken heart I have this morning. 

I was going to spend this week talking about mothers. REMINDER: Mothers day is next Sunday.

Imagine that I remember a day that revolves around me and forget an important date for my son.

So I am starting off this week talking about our disappointments in our mothers.
I never claim to be the best mother by any means, I just do the best I can with what I have.

Which some days isn't much. And lately falls horribly short of the mark. I need to prioritize again, for Ian's sake. When you have a special needs child it is hard (most of us drink. right Ang?) your life revolves around that child so much the other children often get your second best. And I need to force myself out of this mold and give the others more time. I believe this is a constant struggle with many families with children with special needs. 

On a more positive note I got to have lunch with my beautiful daughter and son-in-law yesterday and they paid. (BONUS) but a wonderful time. 

But there are things I look back on in my life where my parents fell short and yet I made it out without needing to much therapy to get over it. Like the time they gave me a bloody deer leg for my 6th birthday. (Who knows) But what I need to say is that sometimes we have to remember we are just human beings, flawed and broken, and that our only hope and salvation come through Christ. He heals our hurts and brings joy when we have failed and feel worthless. He gives hope that tomorrow is a new day. And He is the perfect parent. ABBA father. He loves us flawed and hurting. Unconditionally. So if you have failed as a parent or just need a loving Father. Go to him!!! He will take care of you!!!

From one flawed parent to the other, Have a great day

Love Suszi

Good morning dear friends,
Today I want to discuss my weight !!!! UGHHHH. As I prepare for this trip to the sea, it is a constant thing in my head "How are you gonna look in your swim suit?" I have read and heard several things lately that have encouraged me. First on christian radio a lady had a friend who went to the beach and was watching several bikini clad young girls and her friend thought she would comment on the fact that she wished she still looked that way. And her friend surprised her by saying that when she saw those girls and looked at herself she was proud of the weight and stretch marks and sagginess, because these were all things that happened because she bore and grew three amazing children and carried them in her for 9 months, that the things that wouldn't look good any longer in a bikini were the very things she took pride in because of her children. And then I read a interview between Oprah and Mia Angelo, and it really touched my heart, Mia Angelo was 6 feet tall at 13 and was not pretty but it never bothered her because she had her brother, grandmother and mothers love and that healed anything her self image could hurt.
I have always told my children They are beautiful and wonderful and that I am not a liar so they must be.
So why is it my Father (God ) has said I am beautiful and I don't believe HIM.

Psalm 139:14 (NCV) 

¹⁴ I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way.
    What you have done is wonderful.
    I know this very well.

All the He created is wonderous so why is it we believe He could raise the dead and yet make us less amazing then lilies of the field or anything else He created? 

So I must instead of asking why He made my form the way He did, I need to say "Oh God, thank you for how you created me." 

When I was little I had a shirt that said "God don't make junk' and I wore it with pride. So how come I think differently now? 

I want more then anything to share my stories and God with people and for years I thought "I can't do that, Im heavy and not beautiful and  you can't use me in public." OK so who is whispering those lies? I understand the idea about health and weight but that isn't my point. God does it all for a reason and if I accept who I am and accept He loves me, then I am perfect. I am beautiful, loved, spoiled, and shown grace beyond measure. I will choose today to accept this wonderful creation and reach and share His love with people. 

So go out today and hug someone who doesn't think they are huggable.

Blessings and love to you all

Suszi

Good morning dear friends and faithful readers,

I have talked about my younger children a lot but not of my eldest daughter.

Helena is amazing, and beautiful and delightful.

I thank God for her everyday. She will soon be 23 and has hard as it is to believe I could actually have a child that old, well I had her when I was 3 (hehehe). I have symbols for each of my children,  a heart for Ian -he is a child of my heart, a diamond for Chrissy- she is a diamond in the rough, and for Helena- a gift, because God blessed us with her. 

You see I always wanted 12 boys when I was growing up, so after I got married I got pregnant and to my surprise  God gave me one girl. We never had another pregnancy, no miscarriages and no luck having any more children. We tried for years to have more and do anything possible to make that work but to no avail. I'm so glad God knows what He is doing, even when we don't in the moment. Helena was born May 24th 1990 and my delivery was a short 15 minutes with 3 pushes and done. I know I suck. Anyway she was an interesting child, loved being dirty, and making messes, and paper. But she is beloved, everyone who meets her loves her. She is creative and smart. When I was pregnant I prayed everyday about what she would look like and her mind. I prayed she would be pretty but smart and creative. And God gave me everything I asked for except the red hair, but that is fine. She brings me so much pride, and joy. From the get go we knew she was different, kinda in her own world, seeing things differently and somehow from another angle. Her hobbies and interests were odd, like bugs and sticks and rocks, more of a tomboy I guess, but a tomboy in a pink tutu and red cowboy boots.  She was always hard for me to understand in someways until she in high school, decided to become a Faerie (more on that later). But I pride myself on the fact that I taught her to read and spell and many things, not all good but we did our best and with the grace of God somehow managed to raise an amazing and talented person. She is now past college and married and has her own home. And her husband Steve, he is a joy and i'm so proud of her choice  Although I wish she lived closer and would make me a grandma, I know to trust God for those things and in HIS time my wishes will come true. I love my daughter and although many  mistakes were made and she still needs to get therapy to deal with  a lot of her childhood I wouldn't want her to turn out any other way then she is.

And today I want you to remember hug your kids and kiss them often because all to soon you blink and they are gone.

Be blessed today

Suszi

Good morning friends,

HAPPY MAY DAY

It may not be bright and beautiful here in Minnesota today but i'm beginning to 

think it is totally and state of mind anyway.

When I was little i went to Nonies house (a friend of my family) and

 made May baskets every year.

Such great memories.

It is now starting to freeze here in Mankato, we are supposed to get up to 9 inches of snow today and it is reaking havoc on the psyche of us here. One day it is hot next it snowed then hot and on and on. 

Today I seem a little more vulnerable to a messed up psyche, this new round of doctor visits 

has really rattled me and although they are not life threatening, but none the less hard.
I have had it in my mind a long time to investigate the saying " God won't give us more than we can handle" i can't find it anywhere phrased like that and I have a call into our pastor. so we will see how that works out. But you know there are days I question this stretching and my endurance. So today I am resting and contemplating the universe.
Be blessed this May day and give someone an extra treat today, send a may basket or just a note to encourage someone.
Love you all
Suszi