Greetings from brokeness

Hello my dear friends,

I know it has been a very long time and a great journey has been taken by me.

One of heart break and slippery slides into sin and darkened and a bottom I never knew existed for me.

I mistakenly remarried out of fear because i had never ever been alone and that has proved very painful but choices i made after led me down a very slippery slope. I came to the south as a standby on a standby on my way to Australia for a few weeks and full of God and His path set before me. We it took no time for me to be strayed and instead of climbing a stairway up this journey i took a water slide down a very fast slippery slope and although i never lost my faith in God i did learn some very hard and valuable lessons. My heartbreak had only just begun as i spent the next six months running much like Jonah away from the call of God not scared but feeling unworthy and unnecessary.

How is it Gd can use someone like me? Broken and hurt and shredded to my very being? I really still have no idea but i am in a better place and unlike the end of Jonah where no repentance was recorded mine is recorded here. I may go into my experiences to some extent in days to come but just getting back to you was important to me.

I’m currently in Florida where in intend to stay and make a life. I have an amazing church family and friends and a good support system here and as you can see i have begun writing again. Many may judge me and condone my choices but the place i am at now it doesn’t really matter. This journey was fraught with a lot of bad things and choices but was also proven to make me grow in ways and see things in a totally new way, a way I wouldn’t have seen with my rose colored glasses and i am truely thankful for the things i saw and the people i met and the place God placed me at just the right time to be used for His Glory.

I’m learning about the fruit of the spirit in an amazing way by a book by Dr, David Jeremiah called A Life Beyond Amazing. And how these sweet things we draw on fruit as a child are at the bases of our very Christian walk and how they are not just sweet things we should do but most are commands from God. I’m sure ill be sharing more as time goes on from that also.

But my dear friends know i am on the path upward again and although not by any means perfect or not struggling daily i am very well getting my heart in the right place and my life is stronger for the things that have happened. Not that god sends us on those paths but He does use what happens for His glory. 

Because of His grace and love is why i am here today and by His grace I can continue to be writing and encouraging you.

Be blessed 

Always

Suszi

Sacrifice and Send

Good Morning Friends

As i start this day, I was reminded to think on good and pure things from my Pastor David Coffee, in his Daily Inspirations series.

I also woke up with the song FILL ME UP LORD

In this song it says "You provide the fire, ill provide the sacrifice" 

A sacrifice is painful and hard. 

Websters Definition is this

Definition of sacrifice

1:  an act of offering to a deity something precious; especially :  the killing of a victim on an altar

2:  something offered in sacrifice

3   a :  destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else

b :  something given up or lost the sacrifices made by parents

4:  loss goods sold at a sacrifice

None of these definitions sounds fun or easy. Yet God was willing to sacrifice His only son ? 

I have one son and waited 17 years for him. We adopted him 17 years after we had our only biological Daughter. I had prayed daily for another child. So the idea of sacrificing him is to much for my mind to comprehend. 

Yet if God called and asked "Come" just as he did the disciples and they laid down their nets and followed. But they didn't know what they were following even, they didn't know Jesus or anything about him. He was a random person on the beach who said "COME", and they did.

So knowing what we know, loving Jesus as we do, worshiping Him, serving Him? Could we still make that sacrifice? What if it meant the eternal life of someone else? 

My Mom used to say that if she was put on this earth to help save just one person it would be worth it. Yet i saw her lead many to Christ so hers was a life of purpose.

I have never in my life known my purpose so clearly as I do now.

I have never wanted to walk with God stronger then I do now.

Maybe more sacrifice is needed by me? 

So what more GOD?

Here is my life....SEND ME!!!

  OUCH 

SEND ME!!!!

Have a Blessed day

Always

Suszi

old and new, pride and grace..

Hello Friends,

Sorry there has been a gap in my writing, I moved and just got internet so IMMMM BAAACK.

It has been a strange and hard few months, 

God has sustained me and will continue to strengthen me.

I guess the hardest part of this for me lately is change,

Moving and marriage and changing family structure.

Losing friends has been the hardest, but God has once again taught me a lesson through this.

The hardest part is the change I need to make in me.

I spent many years angry and sick and had lost my joy and peace.

Going through a divorce no matter how nice it is done is hard on everyone.

teaching my kids how to handle this with love and grace is hard if I am still angry. 

I have to make a concerted effort  not to be angry.

I hadn't realized how my anger had taken over my life.

So with much prayer I am breaking free 

of those things in my life and finally feel like what God is wanting me to use me to do,

will finally come to fruition.

I feel like this is the last hurdle to overcome before I am finally released to do his will.

I have been trying to write these and other things into a book, but i have lost all of that and will need start again, I have also been told my writting is about a 2nd grade level and of no importance or inspiration to anyone. So needless to say my ego took a hit, but my God is stronger



and encourages me daily that I am in His will and He has my life in his hands.

So I will continue writing daily now and hope I can bring a little hope and joy to someone who reads this.
-—------------------------------
The above part I wrote a month ago or so and remember setting it down for an emergency and never got back to it.... sorry.
It turns out God does constantly have lessons for me.
Right now it is humility!!!!!
My pride is huge and like it is written "pride comes before a fall"
Well I have fallen!!! The one thing I have held onto is raising my daughter with special needs. Many said I should put her in a group home a long long time ago, and I always thought I would be viewed as a failure.
But God is good!!
I am gracefully broken!
Beauty in my brokenness, because God reins and brings joy deep in my soul!
This week someone turned me in for abuse, which happens often with special needs children. This week resulted in me not being more than accused,but the damage was done and she was moved
out of my house and in with her dad and ultimately into a group home.

When asked how I felt...at first like the worst parent ever. That is a reality for nearly every parent at one time or another though, so I was quickly over that.
What followed made me feel worse...relieved!!
Yep relief
I had been hanging onto something that was causing all my family pain and frustration.
But my pride....
I had to be let go because I had no other choice.
God though knows my heart and that is transparency and pride can be a heavy garment and letting no light through. Sometimes when God removes things In our lives, it is like a bandage being ripped off.
It hurts, but a necessary pain.
When God calls a person to HIS will, He insists on having ALL of us.
I asked to be broken and pleaded with God to use me!!! That prayer comes at a cost!!
I have lost and been rejected, accused, ripped apart, built up and tore down.
But GRACE, sweet grace, amazing grace...how very sweet the sound.

That saved a WRETCH like me.
I once was LOST...now found.
Was blind...now see.
In bondage....now free
In pride....now humble.

 18-20 “And if none of this works in getting your attention, I’ll discipline you seven times over for your sins. I’ll break your strong pride: I’ll make the skies above you like a sheet of tin and the ground under you like cast iron. No matter how hard you work, nothing will 
come
 of it: No crops out of the ground, no fruit off the trees
Leviticus 26:18-20 The message

18 First 

pride, then the crash—
    the bigger the ego, the harder the fall.

19 It’s better to live humbly among the poor
    than to live it up among the rich and famous.

20 It pays to take life seriously;
    things work out when you trust in God.

21A wise person gets known for insight;
    gracious words add to one’s reputation.

22 True intelligence is a spring of fresh water,
    while fools sweat it out the hard way.

23 They make a lot of sense, these wise folks;
    whenever they speak, their reputation increases.

24 Gracious speech is like clover honey—

    good taste to the soul, quick energy for the body.

Psalms 16: 18-24 .The Message

You would think the number of times you hear the truth, right out of the Word we would 
" get it"... but maybe it is just me...
Crash..crash..crash....
Grace...
HIS WILL!!!
Sweet glory
Amen

God bless you all
Suszi

Brick walls and flower gardens

Hello Friends

This is not my normal routine but yet here I am.

Midday in a coffee house writing. usually I am barely awake and on my first cup of coffee, so God is able to move in my mind without much fight. But I will just have to open up and let Him flow the best he is able through the muddle of my distracted mind today.

Today is a day of miracles for me, not because one happened yet or because I'm praying for one. I have prayed as well as many others and this is the day it has to happen. The day when the rubber meets the road and the huge wall in my way just needs to crumble before us, because I am tired of climbing and struggling and hitting my head trying to break it under my own strength. Today God can make the wall fall or He can make a way for the waiting to go longer. He is God.  

The thing this week in my reading and praying and study and Church has been about me. Not LOOK AT ME I'M GREAT. But God knows me!!! He created me. He formed me. He knows my flaws & strengths. He knows I'm loud and unruly and irreverent. I have been told I have a ROBUST personality. I guess that's true but God created me to be ME, this broken, loved, flawed, robust person. He knew before time there would be Me. He also knew exactly how He would use those flaws and robustness for His glory. 

There is no other me for Him to use and although I have no idea what that entails, 

Here I am use me Lord!!!

Sometimes the whole scope of it is so vast to even fathom.

So many able bodied and Godly people and He wants to use me.

Humbled

Who am I lord?

I can't even get through this very day and this huge brick wall in my way.

How do I touch anyone for You?

Maybe if you move this wall God, then i can do your will? what if He doesn't?

My nails and knuckles are bloody and sore and my knees ache and forehead bruised and scabbed and bleeding trying to make His will (Wall) go in my time.

I'm to impatient to wait on him! Yet nothing to do but wait.

I DECLARE A MIRACLE!!!

Can I even do that or is that egotistical? or Faith?

I have seen amazing miracles, angels, been healed and seen lame walk and blind see.

 And yet I doubt ? 

I'm so insignificant in the vastness of the universe.

Yet here I sit in a room of hurting people acting happy.

People with no hope or reason to go on. and God set me right here.

I have already told several people about the greatness of Gods mercy.

How He supplies all my needs. How simple acts of caring show His love.

are those insignificant to God?

the faith of a mustard seed? the size of my faith feels small even if I have seen great things.

God can use one word to change or create anything.

So my tired faith and impatience can be used to glorify Him?

I hope so, because I think the little I give, He will multiply!!!

A little seed has only one job.

GROW

So my faith can grow as well as my ability to be used by Him.

He has now planted me in a new pot.

A new home.

A virtual garden for planting seeds and cultivating life.

An apartment complex full to the rim with people who need God.

No my art supplies do not fit, but my Bible does and that is far more important.

So today I lean against that wall and pray for those around me that need YOU LORD!!

I use the wall for support not for blocking!

I paint the wall and plant flowers so it is beautiful.

I glorify you regardless if the wall moves today or in a year.

Your provision will supply all my needs and in YOUR time I wont notice the wall is even gone because I am so lost in Your glory I didn't notice it vanished.

Today I garden and plant, in others and in myself a new faith and a new hope

to make this situation lovely no matter the outcome.

Plant

Water 

Grow

Be Blessed

Always

Suszi

Thankful for unusual reasons.

Good morning friends,

Today I am thankful once again for so very much.

I am thankful for all the normal things family, friends etc...

But for different reasons then most.

My family: 

Dave (my EX) when I decided our time together was done he was in agreement and had enough integrity and grace, to not only make the process easy and being a testimony of Gods love, but also letting me and my husband live here to get on our feet, even though it was a burden for him and I appreciate him a great deal and love him for all his great attitude and grace. 

Helena, Who is such a great mommy, to my beautiful grandson Soren, I adore her and the woman she has become. I was so hard on her as a child, firm and strict. overbearing. I was young and she was willful. But despite me and moving her every year and many schools, and many changes, broken hearts, joyful parties, She rose to the challenge of mothering and wifeing. (I know that's not a word) 

I watched her change from someone who couldn't decide what to have for lunch to a scheduled and prioritized woman who puts her family first and is inspiring to watch. Those changes were very hard on me because I was always her flood wall by taking the brunt of any challenges that were going to prove hard for her , to not being needed by MY baby anymore. I am so proud of her and Steve and love them very much.

PCAs. The people who care for Christine and me. They are not just people who work here or have worked here (I love them all) but like daughters and friends who are part of our family. They are strong and faithful. I have no idea why they stay because It is a crazy place to work but yet they come and give their best to make sure Chris's needs are met and go above and beyond everyday to help with the chaos which is our life.

Friends. The ones who no longer want me in their lives, because they have taught me forgiveness and grace, to the occasional friends who I know are there but I don't see often but they seem to know when a "Hey , how are ya?" is needed. To the new friends I am making and the people God brings across my path everyday. I need many people in my life but I'm learning they are not my source only God is...

Jeremiah, (Ian's best friend) He is a wonderful man of God who yes is not 9, But is like a big brother to Ian and can play zombie attack or dress up and play pirates. Being young he has the energy none of Ian's parents have to do those things. He is encouraging to Ian and listens to him and cares for him.

He comes when Ian calls and is a support he so much needs. We love you Jeremiah

I have so many things and people I could thank by name, but today these are the ones God has on my heart. These are life lessons and proud moments people. People who God uses daily to teach me what real Godliness is all about.

Who are those your thankful today? 

Maybe today is a good time to thank them for being there ?

Have a blessed day

Always

Suszi

Put down the Duckie and thank God

1 Thessalonians 5:18

Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.

Good Morning friends,

I am so excited my favorite holiday is on its way!!!

This year is different but good! I am not hosting which is hard but OK! 

My Family dynamic has changed, .but that is good.too

An amazing husband, and a great ex husband!

crazy but wonderful kids!

The most amazing grandson in the world.

A new Church family 

New friends

people who love me

But most of all a relationship with Christ.

He is all that sustains me most days, even when I don't have the power to pray.

When I am down to nothing, God is up to something!!!

As thankful as I am I still have issues and pain. But knowing what I have and praising God for the blessings He has given me, make me grateful and rejoicing in His glory.

Knowing nothing can separate me from the love of God.

He is all I need and all I want.

Keeps me.

 Pain, doubt, worry, anger, loss, 

He has it always, yet we forget and pick up all this and hold onto it so tight.

Those things we want rid of the worst, are the very things we have a hard time setting down!

Why is that? 

We let the bad control us and yet have to work hard to find joy and peace?

Things God lays before us as gifts. Ready and wrapped and addressed to us.

But we let the bad control us and the good lays in wait.

This is a silly analogy but on Sesame Street, Ernie wants to learn to play the saxophone.

But he has to lay down his most precious possession his Duckie.

The song is Put down the Duckie.

I think we often hear God say put down the duckie, or phone, TV, game,friends, food, and so on!

We get amazing rewards when we give it to God. We get to Play for the glory of the King of Kings.

So are there things your thankful for that maybe you put before God?

Or are there things we need to let go of?

Is there pain that holds you captive?

Is there sin we need to repent from?

Are there changes that need to be made?

I know I can answer YES to all of these!

I know what I have to do yet here I sit hanging on to junk!

So today I am going to spend needed time in prayer and start my thanksgiving early giving the bad away to God and rejoicing in the journey.

What can you give to God today?

What are you thankful for?

Let's pray

Have a blessed day

Always

Suszi

Welcome home to change

Hello My friends,

I am back...to life anew...to a closer walk with God...to change.

It has been nearly a year since I have written to you my dear friends and so much has changed.

I divorced and remarried,got a grand baby, changed friends and churches. Suffered loss and great triumph, seen deep sorrow and exploding joy. 

I guess CHANGE is what it boils down to. Change is not bad or good but can be either, but to me it is very hard. The changes in my life are my decision, but that doesn't make them less hard to handle.

When I was young I would go to my aunts house and marvel at how she never rearranged unlike my mom, and I always thought I would be spontaneous and I am not. As I age I am less liking change. 

But through God it is a new adventure. Allowing Him to take control and move me where He chooses make the change exciting and ALWAYS so much better then anything I would have envisioned. He makes ALL things new. He cares for His children more then we can imagine. Our prayers seem pitiful compared to His glory and grace. When I think about the change in my life it seems so small comparatively. God is so vast and I am but a speck. I don't deserve Him or His glory. Yet He made that speck and loves that speck. He died for it. His grace is sufficient for me. 

This vast desert I stumble through with hopelessness and look for a single drop of rain, I carry a heaviness that causes my feet to fumble. The burden nearly to much to bear. But the second I feel I cannot take one more step under my own power and fall to my knees, My eyes see before me an oasis with Jesus holding our his hand to help me up and take my load, then I drink and feast. While I was thirsty and dirty and tired, I forget I am not able under my own power to sustain myself and all I carry. Only when I fall to my knees do I see it is not my burden to carry. 

God is great and worthy of our praise. Maker of Heaven and earth. All powerful and yet gentle.

Most of all He cares for me!!!

He knows me, all those details and flaws. 

He knows what He created and the purpose for that creation.

We can hide nothing from Him and I laugh thinking WHAT WAS HE THINKING?

But regardless here I am loud, unruly hurt, damaged and alive. 

So Jesus use me despite me!!!

Be Blessed this day

Always 

Suszi

Stepping up to my call

Good morning friends

Today I am taking a step on a new journey.

One I have been planning a long time and waiting for the final confirmation.

Well it is time. 

I spent so many years saying I will go when all my debt is paid, or when I lose 100 pounds, when I have better clothes or my life is all together.

Well guess what NONE of that will be at the same time and I am certain many of those will never happen.

We make excuses to not do what God is calling us to do. 

Most of the reasoning is from a place of fear.

I for one am tired of excuses and fear.

I AM READY...

God is calling me to share hope and to speak life into others.

My story is full of many ups and downs and I have a great story to tell.

I have no idea where God will send me, or even if I know what to do next, 

I just know this is my first step toward His will.

I am supposed to go out and share my story with people,

I don't even know who my target audience is, I assume women but it is in Gods hands alone.

When I started this journey it was the first guideline given that was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

He said "DO NOT make one move toward the end unless I say" ouch.

Instantly I was like you know I can do this? and you want me to what? have patience? for how long?

I don't like to sit and be patient...I am far to busy..lets just get this show on the road....

NO !!!

Sooo like so many times before He had to come down from Heaven and sit me down like an unruly child. I have been to sick and in pain to move, and just when I could get up and move around, rip...a muscle tear,,,SIT DOWN YOUNG LADY!!!!!

So here I sit.

and have sat.....

FINALLY a few weeks ago I got the confirmation I needed and the means and will to begin. 

But as with all journeys it takes one step to start. 

This is that step.

All the other things are in place and bags are packed and I'm ready.

He just has to make a way...

So I guess what I'm saying is if you or your church or group need a speaker I am willing to be a part of your event. 

God called. I listened. I stepped.

Off we go.

Thank you to my loyal readers, all 4 of you

You are what inspires me and encourages me to write about all I write about.

Be blessed and please let me know if I can share my life with you.

Always

Suszi

Going where no fearful person has gone before.

Good Morning Friends,

I am so excited, for things to come, things happening right now and things left behind.

God is opening doors I never thought possible in my life in this small town in MN.

I have these amazing friends, ALL have issues and all love me despite my failings and support me regardless of the situation, The things we leave behind is what is I am most thankful for.

The things I have failed at, or the things that have just ended. Those are the things that teach lessons.

I failed a lot in life, but by the grace of God, I got back up and continued on. Many times to fall again, and up again......

I'm a slow learner. All of the experiences in life are what mold us and help us to become the person we are. I often think about the choices we make, not huge ones but the small things, like turning right instead of left or going to this store instead of that one. Sitting on a park bench instead of keep walking. How often do we miss the opportunities God puts before us..To we stop and ask God which way or where should I go? I try to...most times I'm running on overdrive and forget to ask.

Being faithful in small things prepare us to be faithful in large.

When God calls....It is scary and hard and the most important thing you can do is listen to Him.

He stretches us and pulls us and pushes us in ways to make us who we are, but also to use us miraculously. Being a good person or christian is not all there is to it. Being a listener to God and moving in His will is everything.

Today lets all pray which turn to make, and where He wants us to go..even if we think there isn't time, or we have to much to do. Stop and breathe and listen.

Fear so many times is what hurts us the most.

I only look fearless, hehehe...but fear holds me back. Fear keeps me from so much. So today I am done being afraid. I will walk where He wants me to go, and HE will protect and carry me.

Today is Faith in action. 

Going where no fearful person has gone before.

breathe in and out...in and out.....GO GO GO

God where will you use me today? Use me for your will and purpose..

Give me the words to say, ears to listen, and heart to love..

Help me be Jesus with skin on,

Blessing to you today

Always

Suszi

Change me God, even if it hurts....

Good Morning friends,

I often wonder what people think when they see me.

I know I'm loud and crazy and irreverent.

I know I open my mouth before my brain checks what I'm going to say.

I know I have a lot to work on.

And a longgggg way to go before "I make it"

The Bible says many things about how a woman of God should act.

Then again He made me this way for a reason?

My husband often tells me I need to turn on my filters in my mouth.

I'm sure a lot of what I say is unnecessary.

But like I said God knew that when He created me.

Often with me and God we deal with one issue at a time.

 The issue right now is the fact that somehow I end up talking about myself to much in every conversation. It isn't like I don't want to hear what others say, its more like I may want some semblance of normalcy and try to relate? Or it could be the fact that I was the center of attention my whole life with my family and now I'm not? It is hard to say and I could analyze why forever .When what I really need is to change. So anytime I'm talking now I'm trying to listen and tell myself to ask questions about them and not make a comment about me. I really try no to be narcissistic, but wow 44 years of me.. me... me is a hard habit to break. I want to be less self aware and more aware of what God wants me to speak into others lives. When I was a teenager I went to a conference and it changed me.  I was less bold, not shy but hardly as loud as I am now. The speaker was talking about asking "The hard questions" . I remember thinking and praying that God would use me to be that person.

Well it really wasn't a hard stretch for me to get there, but that day He breathed a boldness into my life, that is often a bit overwhelming. 

I wish sometimes I was mild and proper. But that is NOT who I am, and at this point in my life I accept that and pray God use me despite my failings. 

God is moving me into a greater purpose, to tell people about this God who accepts and loves us despite ourselves.

The thing about our failings and flaws, God knows about them. 

He after all is the one who formed us. He loves us.

What is God trying to work on in your life?

Are you willing to let Him, even if it is painful?

Pray that God will show you and roll up your sleeves and get to work.

Be blessed today 

Always

Suszi

"Happy" Behcet's Day I guess

Good Morning friends,

Today is International Behcet's Awareness Day.

I have been posting a lot of info and appreciate you who have taken the time to learn.

I also have been thinking how to describe my pain to you without whining or complaining.

I in no way want pity nor am I asking for sympathy, my 

goal with today's post is just to give you a taste of my pain and let you walk a step or two in my shoes, if you will.

So just for today I'm going to attempt to explain my illness and how I feel both physically and mentally. 

I'm just going to go from head down.

Head

No less than 1000 tiny blister spots on my scalp

Thinning hair

Occipital Neuralgia (swelling in the back of my head)

Headaches 

constantly - not migraines but Complex headaches which is like 15 different headaches at once, and yes I understand how you feel when you have a migraine, but times that by 100 and you might understand mine (sorry for ranting)

Eyes- 

drain constantly, crust over, feel dry, sore and burn, sores on nerves will lead to blindness, double vision and floaters constantly.

Ears- 

Ulceration sores inside my ears deep cause them to itch and be sore, may cause hearing loss.

Mouth and throat

Loss of vocal strength (sores on vocal chords)

sores in throat

Constant ulceration's on tongue and lips

Tooth pain due to filling constantly falling out.

acne looking sores that are like boils and take weeks to go away.

Chest and abdominal areas and back

Joints are swollen and painful to move (like RA)

skin has sores or boil like sores

Age or brown spots spreading

several sores that will not heal

scars from previous sores

Ripped rotator cuff

sores under breasts stretch marks rip open 

chest pain (constantly watching for blood clots or aneurysms)

Bi-jimney (heart beats out of sync )

abdominal pain (constant like appendix rupture feel)

irritable  bowel like symptoms  

fear of lesions on organs and shutting them down

Lungs (toxic mold poisoning but made worse by disease)

extra weight from medications

vaginal sores (grape sized ulceration's and small lesions)

Anal sores as described above

several organs ie gallbladder, hysterectomy removed 

Spine swelling and pain

Lower body

hips and legs

all joints swollen and painful

Sores all over

 muscle weakness and tears easily

ie, torn Achilles tendon in foot

Knees (weak and swollen)

foot pain (painful to walk)

Mentally and emotionally

Depressed and anxious

exhaustion and chronic fatigue 

Insomnia 

feel alone like no one understands

Frustration because I cannot move like I used to

Anger cause my mind says yes and body says no

Worthless because to clean or cook is nearly impossible

Finishing a task is inevitable

Being active for the kids is rare

Crazy because meds and stress make the symptoms worse

I know I shouldn't get angry when others hurt and  I don't unless they say "I understand how you feel"

unless you have this disease you cannot fathom

Frustration having to choose my activities for the day.

Like a bad friend or family member because there are so many days I can do nothing.

Sad because my mom fought for years to get a diagnosis and i got it finally just after she died.

And sad she isn't here to make me feel better.

I get angry faster due to pain.

I yell and swear cause I'm so frustrated with it all

I hate good days cause I know tomorrow wont be

Brain fog and forgetting, words and dates and names.

Stroke like spells TIA's

This is how I feel just today. I know one thing for sure that God will sustain me, and use me and will someday use my story. I know I have it good compared to others, I am blessed. I know I will be whole and well someday and if that is in Heaven so be it. I know I have an amazing husband and kids that love me and take care of me. I know my momma is with Jesus and that is where she always longed to be. I know I have friends despite their own struggles, uplift and encourage me daily to keep moving ahead, and who take me to er or sit with me at the hospital. Who make fun of me and who make me smile, and forgive when I have to say no and who also say no for me. 

I have so much to be thankful for.

I also pray that whatever struggle you are facing whether it be physical or emotional, God will also sustain you, and use you for His glory.

May Gods grace shine on you today.

I hope this brief glance helps you understand this disease

and helps raise awareness for all the silent diseases,

and when you see someone in a handicapped spot you don't judge, because

every step is hard some days.

Always

Suszi

Behcet's Syndrome Eve

Good Morning friends,

Tomorrow is International Behcet's Day

and I just happen to be able to celebrate this day...yipee

I'm kidding, this disease is horrific.

There isn't one spot on my body that doesn't hurts all the time.

I forget what it was like to be pain free, I think I was 8.

I have spent 35 years trying to figure out what this was, and finally got diagnosed about a year ago.

Some days I'm pretty mobile and others I have to fake it, and many I'm bed ridden.

or in the hospital. 

I am so thankful for the friends I have, they are so understanding and forgiving when I have days when my body says no, or when I should say no and don't and they see the signs and say no for me.

Stress makes it worse, and I live a stressful life. 

The thing I hate the worst is that my symptoms can change on a dime. One minute i"m fine and one minute later I am on my  way to ER. 

Right now I have more bad than good days, but a time is coming when I will overcome this and be pain free. At least that is my prayer. It is so hard to understand how I feel, but I'm grateful I have people who try. 

here is how Mayo defines Behcets.

Behcet's (beh-CHETS) disease, also called Behcet's syndrome, is a rare disorder that causes inflammation in blood vessels throughout your body. The inflammation of Behcet's disease leads to numerous symptoms that may initially seem unrelated. The signs and symptoms of Behcet's disease — which may include mouth sores, eye inflammation, skin rashes and lesions, and genital sores — vary from person to person and may come and go on their own.

The exact cause of Behcet's is unknown, but it may be an autoimmune disorder, which means the body's immune system mistakenly attacks some of its own healthy cells. Both genetic and environmental factors may be responsible for Behcet's disease.

Treatment aims to reduce the signs and symptoms of Behcet's disease and to prevent serious complications, such as blindness.

I wont bore you with more, but if your interested the rest of the article can be read at

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/behcets-disease/basics/symptoms/con-20027549

Thanks for caring enough to read and maybe understand a little.

Wear Blue tomorrow to help support Behcet's Syndrome

Always

Suszi

Heading into the great unknown

Good Morning friends,

I know, I know it has been a long time...sorry I have no excuse.

Let me tell you about my weekend adventures.

I worked which was good, but I also attended a women's day out the local christian radio station put on. WOW was I blessed. I couldn't attend the whole thing because of work so I came and went but it seemed for the sessions I could be there were ordained to be for me..Isn't God amazing? The first session was about beauty, the second was a mother who lost her son 3 weeks ago, and the last was my friend Kim Gravel talking about taking a first step into our destiny. It was so needed as if God himself just came and talked to me. 

God has called me. He has given me a direction and a job to do. and nearly all my bags are packed and I am very ready for the next step of this journey. It just requires a small step forward. a step of faith and courage...a step forward. But, I'm scared..... but I am bigger than my fears, I'm comfortable where I am..But sometimes God needs our discomfort to move us into His path for us. I don't know what is going to happen next......God does and sometimes for our own good we need to trust and let Him have control. THAT is hard for me. 

This particular journey requires NO assistance from me. When God showed me what He required of me, the main thing was to not take a single step unless He ordained it. That is also Hard for me. I am a doer, a grab the bull by the horns and get stuff done kinda person. So to say sit down and shut up until I say go. That is hard for me...really hard. 

IT IS TIME...

Despite my weight, my money situation, my kids, my husband, my job, my life being perfect....Those and a thousand excuses I have, do not work on God.

He says go..go...go. and like a child holding its mamas leg when she is leaving. kicking and screaming... I will release my fears and concerns and GO. 

One step...

and I am stepping...

STEP.....shaking 

STEP.....

I got this..

STEP

Here I go

andddd

STEP...

My baby is having a baby

Good Morning friends,

Today I'm happy to announce 

I'M GOING TO BE A GRANDMA!!!

I'm just a little excited.

I have been waiting for this my whole life.

I was so excited when they told us.

But something I didn't expect.

A deep concern about MY baby.

She doesn't do pain well or sickness.

So as excited as I am, I also hurt for her. 

My only pregnancy was with her and as wondrous as it was also 

scary and also filled with sickness. 

Although my circumstances were different, it still worries me. 

The thing I hope the most is that she be able to get through the next months okay.

Helena has been through a lot in her life, most good but some not. I have no doubt what so ever that she will make an amazing mom. She is strong and brave. She has her daddy's brain and my creativity. 

I prayed everyday she was in my womb. For her eyes and mind and  every aspect of her life even her husband someday. She has grown into an amazing woman. 

She is very beloved and kind. Now I guess it is time to pray for the little one inside her. That in some way it will be even more amazing.

I am so proud of her and her accomplishments, and like my momma always told me..."It isn't the grades or plaques on a wall, it is the love you share and the person you have become that is more important," 

I am not worried she will be a good mother, not because I was, but despite me. 

Through the grace of God and the person she is.

She has made me so proud over the years, but nothing like this. 

One of the greatest things in the world that you can experience. 

The birth of a child.

Joyous, amazing and hard.

So this new journey begins, to being a grandma.

I believe it shall be the most fun journey I have ever taken.

I love you Helena and Thank you for making me a Gramma.

Always

Suszi