God use me

Hello friends,

Do you ever feel like you life is hopeless? or that you cannot measure up?

Or no matter what you do your failing? 

This week I had the opportunity to talk to someone who didn't care whether she went to Heaven or Hell.

I got to share my heart with her, sitting in my chair, so sick I couldnt even walk. God brought her to me.

I didn;t have a formula or read the right verses and I'm  sure had a pastor or theologian been there they would have corrected me. When the conversation started all I prayed and thought was "Here we go, help me have the words and speak your heart Jesus." We didn't talk about how you need to have these 6 things to get into heaven. We talked about life, How it sucks and is hard, and confusing and how our guilt over not being able to follow the rules is going to get us a one way ticket to hell. God softly reminded me so I could tell her that He dosen't care if we have a ministry, pray 3 times a day, wear the right clothes, or say the right words. He wants us to love Him. Period. It isnt hard. He loves us regardless and unconditionally. I drink and swear, yell at my kids, hate my husband at times, I get angry and frustrated. He doesn't care. I try to hold myself to a certain "Christian" standard. But I am who I am. I never want people to think me a hypocrite or a fool. Inn the past few years as God has taken me on this journey, I have felt pain deeper, loss more profoundly, and no joy at all. The one word I have stood on is "There may be pain in the night, but the joy come in the morning." Im still waiting for that morning, God loves me. The physical pain is unbearable and the drugs are worse. The loss and deep gaping hole where my mom should be hurts so fresh daily. The fear of the future, Feeling worthless because I cannot serve or cannot give to God, frustration knowing the kids I raise are molded by the words I say and my actions and not being able to get through a day without failing so profoundly, 

You see I am a raggamuffin. unwashed, bearfoot, weeping, dirty hurting soul. I cry to God to help and know He will. But is it to little to late? Have I spent my life wrong? What is the point? I look at the outlook I have right now and I can barley walk who in the heck is He going to use me to do anything? He shows me dreams and visions of things I dont understand. He is setting a path I don't have the energy or stamina to even begin to walk. But yet He uses me right in the chair I occupy 20 hours a day or more. uses my brokenness, and mental instability, despite myself. I share with you if the pain isn't to bad and He gives me the words to say. But why? why me? Im fat and angry and lonely and hurting. How is it He can use me. I stumble around and I cannot articulate well but He says write. So I do. I am not a writer. I am a typer and not a good one. He uses me anyway, Am I hypocrite? some may say yes. But I don't profess to be anything I am not. I am so far from the mark I rarely see the target. But He uses me. I don't read the word daily, I know is should, but I do meditate on the Word I have memorized half at least of the Old and nearly all of the new testament. I learned these words as a child and I still today lean on them. I am tormented with thoughts and feelings, God uses me. I take so many medications just to live but God uses me. I suffer from dark depression and feelings of hopelessness but God uses me. I am nothing, and nobody but God uses me.

I used to dance and laugh and sing, but I don't anymore. God uses me. I cry for peace for the pain to stop. God uses me. I am uneducated and unkempt most of the time and God uses me. I have little hope for the future and regrets of the past, God uses me, I lay awake all night wondering what next God? He uses me.

I try and attempt to raise 2 children who arnt biologically mine and wonder "What were you thinking God?" I'm a mess how can I do this without messing them totally up? God uses me,

Most times I feel like a colossal joke. God uses me. 

Being broken allows you to see the broken.  Being hurt makes you feel the others hurt.

Being angry and frustrated allows you to understand anger and frustration.

God use me. Use me everyday. I'm the muck and mire. In the times of low as well as high. Use my words, my heart to touch someone for you. If I cannot go out You bring them to me. Let My hands be yours. let my footsteps be yours. let me glorify you in my words and my typing, No longer do I want to sit and not be used. God use me. Make me so used my you and consumed by your grace. God use me,

Amen

Always

Suszi