Greetings from brokeness

Hello my dear friends,

I know it has been a very long time and a great journey has been taken by me.

One of heart break and slippery slides into sin and darkened and a bottom I never knew existed for me.

I mistakenly remarried out of fear because i had never ever been alone and that has proved very painful but choices i made after led me down a very slippery slope. I came to the south as a standby on a standby on my way to Australia for a few weeks and full of God and His path set before me. We it took no time for me to be strayed and instead of climbing a stairway up this journey i took a water slide down a very fast slippery slope and although i never lost my faith in God i did learn some very hard and valuable lessons. My heartbreak had only just begun as i spent the next six months running much like Jonah away from the call of God not scared but feeling unworthy and unnecessary.

How is it Gd can use someone like me? Broken and hurt and shredded to my very being? I really still have no idea but i am in a better place and unlike the end of Jonah where no repentance was recorded mine is recorded here. I may go into my experiences to some extent in days to come but just getting back to you was important to me.

I’m currently in Florida where in intend to stay and make a life. I have an amazing church family and friends and a good support system here and as you can see i have begun writing again. Many may judge me and condone my choices but the place i am at now it doesn’t really matter. This journey was fraught with a lot of bad things and choices but was also proven to make me grow in ways and see things in a totally new way, a way I wouldn’t have seen with my rose colored glasses and i am truely thankful for the things i saw and the people i met and the place God placed me at just the right time to be used for His Glory.

I’m learning about the fruit of the spirit in an amazing way by a book by Dr, David Jeremiah called A Life Beyond Amazing. And how these sweet things we draw on fruit as a child are at the bases of our very Christian walk and how they are not just sweet things we should do but most are commands from God. I’m sure ill be sharing more as time goes on from that also.

But my dear friends know i am on the path upward again and although not by any means perfect or not struggling daily i am very well getting my heart in the right place and my life is stronger for the things that have happened. Not that god sends us on those paths but He does use what happens for His glory. 

Because of His grace and love is why i am here today and by His grace I can continue to be writing and encouraging you.

Be blessed 

Always

Suszi

Sacrifice and Send

Good Morning Friends

As i start this day, I was reminded to think on good and pure things from my Pastor David Coffee, in his Daily Inspirations series.

I also woke up with the song FILL ME UP LORD

In this song it says "You provide the fire, ill provide the sacrifice" 

A sacrifice is painful and hard. 

Websters Definition is this

Definition of sacrifice

1:  an act of offering to a deity something precious; especially :  the killing of a victim on an altar

2:  something offered in sacrifice

3   a :  destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else

b :  something given up or lost the sacrifices made by parents

4:  loss goods sold at a sacrifice

None of these definitions sounds fun or easy. Yet God was willing to sacrifice His only son ? 

I have one son and waited 17 years for him. We adopted him 17 years after we had our only biological Daughter. I had prayed daily for another child. So the idea of sacrificing him is to much for my mind to comprehend. 

Yet if God called and asked "Come" just as he did the disciples and they laid down their nets and followed. But they didn't know what they were following even, they didn't know Jesus or anything about him. He was a random person on the beach who said "COME", and they did.

So knowing what we know, loving Jesus as we do, worshiping Him, serving Him? Could we still make that sacrifice? What if it meant the eternal life of someone else? 

My Mom used to say that if she was put on this earth to help save just one person it would be worth it. Yet i saw her lead many to Christ so hers was a life of purpose.

I have never in my life known my purpose so clearly as I do now.

I have never wanted to walk with God stronger then I do now.

Maybe more sacrifice is needed by me? 

So what more GOD?

Here is my life....SEND ME!!!

  OUCH 

SEND ME!!!!

Have a Blessed day

Always

Suszi

old and new, pride and grace..

Hello Friends,

Sorry there has been a gap in my writing, I moved and just got internet so IMMMM BAAACK.

It has been a strange and hard few months, 

God has sustained me and will continue to strengthen me.

I guess the hardest part of this for me lately is change,

Moving and marriage and changing family structure.

Losing friends has been the hardest, but God has once again taught me a lesson through this.

The hardest part is the change I need to make in me.

I spent many years angry and sick and had lost my joy and peace.

Going through a divorce no matter how nice it is done is hard on everyone.

teaching my kids how to handle this with love and grace is hard if I am still angry. 

I have to make a concerted effort  not to be angry.

I hadn't realized how my anger had taken over my life.

So with much prayer I am breaking free 

of those things in my life and finally feel like what God is wanting me to use me to do,

will finally come to fruition.

I feel like this is the last hurdle to overcome before I am finally released to do his will.

I have been trying to write these and other things into a book, but i have lost all of that and will need start again, I have also been told my writting is about a 2nd grade level and of no importance or inspiration to anyone. So needless to say my ego took a hit, but my God is stronger



and encourages me daily that I am in His will and He has my life in his hands.

So I will continue writing daily now and hope I can bring a little hope and joy to someone who reads this.
-—------------------------------
The above part I wrote a month ago or so and remember setting it down for an emergency and never got back to it.... sorry.
It turns out God does constantly have lessons for me.
Right now it is humility!!!!!
My pride is huge and like it is written "pride comes before a fall"
Well I have fallen!!! The one thing I have held onto is raising my daughter with special needs. Many said I should put her in a group home a long long time ago, and I always thought I would be viewed as a failure.
But God is good!!
I am gracefully broken!
Beauty in my brokenness, because God reins and brings joy deep in my soul!
This week someone turned me in for abuse, which happens often with special needs children. This week resulted in me not being more than accused,but the damage was done and she was moved
out of my house and in with her dad and ultimately into a group home.

When asked how I felt...at first like the worst parent ever. That is a reality for nearly every parent at one time or another though, so I was quickly over that.
What followed made me feel worse...relieved!!
Yep relief
I had been hanging onto something that was causing all my family pain and frustration.
But my pride....
I had to be let go because I had no other choice.
God though knows my heart and that is transparency and pride can be a heavy garment and letting no light through. Sometimes when God removes things In our lives, it is like a bandage being ripped off.
It hurts, but a necessary pain.
When God calls a person to HIS will, He insists on having ALL of us.
I asked to be broken and pleaded with God to use me!!! That prayer comes at a cost!!
I have lost and been rejected, accused, ripped apart, built up and tore down.
But GRACE, sweet grace, amazing grace...how very sweet the sound.

That saved a WRETCH like me.
I once was LOST...now found.
Was blind...now see.
In bondage....now free
In pride....now humble.

 18-20 “And if none of this works in getting your attention, I’ll discipline you seven times over for your sins. I’ll break your strong pride: I’ll make the skies above you like a sheet of tin and the ground under you like cast iron. No matter how hard you work, nothing will 
come
 of it: No crops out of the ground, no fruit off the trees
Leviticus 26:18-20 The message

18 First 

pride, then the crash—
    the bigger the ego, the harder the fall.

19 It’s better to live humbly among the poor
    than to live it up among the rich and famous.

20 It pays to take life seriously;
    things work out when you trust in God.

21A wise person gets known for insight;
    gracious words add to one’s reputation.

22 True intelligence is a spring of fresh water,
    while fools sweat it out the hard way.

23 They make a lot of sense, these wise folks;
    whenever they speak, their reputation increases.

24 Gracious speech is like clover honey—

    good taste to the soul, quick energy for the body.

Psalms 16: 18-24 .The Message

You would think the number of times you hear the truth, right out of the Word we would 
" get it"... but maybe it is just me...
Crash..crash..crash....
Grace...
HIS WILL!!!
Sweet glory
Amen

God bless you all
Suszi

Brick walls and flower gardens

Hello Friends

This is not my normal routine but yet here I am.

Midday in a coffee house writing. usually I am barely awake and on my first cup of coffee, so God is able to move in my mind without much fight. But I will just have to open up and let Him flow the best he is able through the muddle of my distracted mind today.

Today is a day of miracles for me, not because one happened yet or because I'm praying for one. I have prayed as well as many others and this is the day it has to happen. The day when the rubber meets the road and the huge wall in my way just needs to crumble before us, because I am tired of climbing and struggling and hitting my head trying to break it under my own strength. Today God can make the wall fall or He can make a way for the waiting to go longer. He is God.  

The thing this week in my reading and praying and study and Church has been about me. Not LOOK AT ME I'M GREAT. But God knows me!!! He created me. He formed me. He knows my flaws & strengths. He knows I'm loud and unruly and irreverent. I have been told I have a ROBUST personality. I guess that's true but God created me to be ME, this broken, loved, flawed, robust person. He knew before time there would be Me. He also knew exactly how He would use those flaws and robustness for His glory. 

There is no other me for Him to use and although I have no idea what that entails, 

Here I am use me Lord!!!

Sometimes the whole scope of it is so vast to even fathom.

So many able bodied and Godly people and He wants to use me.

Humbled

Who am I lord?

I can't even get through this very day and this huge brick wall in my way.

How do I touch anyone for You?

Maybe if you move this wall God, then i can do your will? what if He doesn't?

My nails and knuckles are bloody and sore and my knees ache and forehead bruised and scabbed and bleeding trying to make His will (Wall) go in my time.

I'm to impatient to wait on him! Yet nothing to do but wait.

I DECLARE A MIRACLE!!!

Can I even do that or is that egotistical? or Faith?

I have seen amazing miracles, angels, been healed and seen lame walk and blind see.

 And yet I doubt ? 

I'm so insignificant in the vastness of the universe.

Yet here I sit in a room of hurting people acting happy.

People with no hope or reason to go on. and God set me right here.

I have already told several people about the greatness of Gods mercy.

How He supplies all my needs. How simple acts of caring show His love.

are those insignificant to God?

the faith of a mustard seed? the size of my faith feels small even if I have seen great things.

God can use one word to change or create anything.

So my tired faith and impatience can be used to glorify Him?

I hope so, because I think the little I give, He will multiply!!!

A little seed has only one job.

GROW

So my faith can grow as well as my ability to be used by Him.

He has now planted me in a new pot.

A new home.

A virtual garden for planting seeds and cultivating life.

An apartment complex full to the rim with people who need God.

No my art supplies do not fit, but my Bible does and that is far more important.

So today I lean against that wall and pray for those around me that need YOU LORD!!

I use the wall for support not for blocking!

I paint the wall and plant flowers so it is beautiful.

I glorify you regardless if the wall moves today or in a year.

Your provision will supply all my needs and in YOUR time I wont notice the wall is even gone because I am so lost in Your glory I didn't notice it vanished.

Today I garden and plant, in others and in myself a new faith and a new hope

to make this situation lovely no matter the outcome.

Plant

Water 

Grow

Be Blessed

Always

Suszi

Thankful for unusual reasons.

Good morning friends,

Today I am thankful once again for so very much.

I am thankful for all the normal things family, friends etc...

But for different reasons then most.

My family: 

Dave (my EX) when I decided our time together was done he was in agreement and had enough integrity and grace, to not only make the process easy and being a testimony of Gods love, but also letting me and my husband live here to get on our feet, even though it was a burden for him and I appreciate him a great deal and love him for all his great attitude and grace. 

Helena, Who is such a great mommy, to my beautiful grandson Soren, I adore her and the woman she has become. I was so hard on her as a child, firm and strict. overbearing. I was young and she was willful. But despite me and moving her every year and many schools, and many changes, broken hearts, joyful parties, She rose to the challenge of mothering and wifeing. (I know that's not a word) 

I watched her change from someone who couldn't decide what to have for lunch to a scheduled and prioritized woman who puts her family first and is inspiring to watch. Those changes were very hard on me because I was always her flood wall by taking the brunt of any challenges that were going to prove hard for her , to not being needed by MY baby anymore. I am so proud of her and Steve and love them very much.

PCAs. The people who care for Christine and me. They are not just people who work here or have worked here (I love them all) but like daughters and friends who are part of our family. They are strong and faithful. I have no idea why they stay because It is a crazy place to work but yet they come and give their best to make sure Chris's needs are met and go above and beyond everyday to help with the chaos which is our life.

Friends. The ones who no longer want me in their lives, because they have taught me forgiveness and grace, to the occasional friends who I know are there but I don't see often but they seem to know when a "Hey , how are ya?" is needed. To the new friends I am making and the people God brings across my path everyday. I need many people in my life but I'm learning they are not my source only God is...

Jeremiah, (Ian's best friend) He is a wonderful man of God who yes is not 9, But is like a big brother to Ian and can play zombie attack or dress up and play pirates. Being young he has the energy none of Ian's parents have to do those things. He is encouraging to Ian and listens to him and cares for him.

He comes when Ian calls and is a support he so much needs. We love you Jeremiah

I have so many things and people I could thank by name, but today these are the ones God has on my heart. These are life lessons and proud moments people. People who God uses daily to teach me what real Godliness is all about.

Who are those your thankful today? 

Maybe today is a good time to thank them for being there ?

Have a blessed day

Always

Suszi

Put down the Duckie and thank God

1 Thessalonians 5:18

Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.

Good Morning friends,

I am so excited my favorite holiday is on its way!!!

This year is different but good! I am not hosting which is hard but OK! 

My Family dynamic has changed, .but that is good.too

An amazing husband, and a great ex husband!

crazy but wonderful kids!

The most amazing grandson in the world.

A new Church family 

New friends

people who love me

But most of all a relationship with Christ.

He is all that sustains me most days, even when I don't have the power to pray.

When I am down to nothing, God is up to something!!!

As thankful as I am I still have issues and pain. But knowing what I have and praising God for the blessings He has given me, make me grateful and rejoicing in His glory.

Knowing nothing can separate me from the love of God.

He is all I need and all I want.

Keeps me.

 Pain, doubt, worry, anger, loss, 

He has it always, yet we forget and pick up all this and hold onto it so tight.

Those things we want rid of the worst, are the very things we have a hard time setting down!

Why is that? 

We let the bad control us and yet have to work hard to find joy and peace?

Things God lays before us as gifts. Ready and wrapped and addressed to us.

But we let the bad control us and the good lays in wait.

This is a silly analogy but on Sesame Street, Ernie wants to learn to play the saxophone.

But he has to lay down his most precious possession his Duckie.

The song is Put down the Duckie.

I think we often hear God say put down the duckie, or phone, TV, game,friends, food, and so on!

We get amazing rewards when we give it to God. We get to Play for the glory of the King of Kings.

So are there things your thankful for that maybe you put before God?

Or are there things we need to let go of?

Is there pain that holds you captive?

Is there sin we need to repent from?

Are there changes that need to be made?

I know I can answer YES to all of these!

I know what I have to do yet here I sit hanging on to junk!

So today I am going to spend needed time in prayer and start my thanksgiving early giving the bad away to God and rejoicing in the journey.

What can you give to God today?

What are you thankful for?

Let's pray

Have a blessed day

Always

Suszi

Welcome home to change

Hello My friends,

I am back...to life anew...to a closer walk with God...to change.

It has been nearly a year since I have written to you my dear friends and so much has changed.

I divorced and remarried,got a grand baby, changed friends and churches. Suffered loss and great triumph, seen deep sorrow and exploding joy. 

I guess CHANGE is what it boils down to. Change is not bad or good but can be either, but to me it is very hard. The changes in my life are my decision, but that doesn't make them less hard to handle.

When I was young I would go to my aunts house and marvel at how she never rearranged unlike my mom, and I always thought I would be spontaneous and I am not. As I age I am less liking change. 

But through God it is a new adventure. Allowing Him to take control and move me where He chooses make the change exciting and ALWAYS so much better then anything I would have envisioned. He makes ALL things new. He cares for His children more then we can imagine. Our prayers seem pitiful compared to His glory and grace. When I think about the change in my life it seems so small comparatively. God is so vast and I am but a speck. I don't deserve Him or His glory. Yet He made that speck and loves that speck. He died for it. His grace is sufficient for me. 

This vast desert I stumble through with hopelessness and look for a single drop of rain, I carry a heaviness that causes my feet to fumble. The burden nearly to much to bear. But the second I feel I cannot take one more step under my own power and fall to my knees, My eyes see before me an oasis with Jesus holding our his hand to help me up and take my load, then I drink and feast. While I was thirsty and dirty and tired, I forget I am not able under my own power to sustain myself and all I carry. Only when I fall to my knees do I see it is not my burden to carry. 

God is great and worthy of our praise. Maker of Heaven and earth. All powerful and yet gentle.

Most of all He cares for me!!!

He knows me, all those details and flaws. 

He knows what He created and the purpose for that creation.

We can hide nothing from Him and I laugh thinking WHAT WAS HE THINKING?

But regardless here I am loud, unruly hurt, damaged and alive. 

So Jesus use me despite me!!!

Be Blessed this day

Always 

Suszi